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No, no. I don’t mean that it doesn’t work in the “doesn’t function properly” sense. Or that it is bendable or has some sort of software bug. I mean the iPhone 6 doesn’t work in the larger sense that it failed to make my life feel utterly happy and complete –and to make me more organized, hip and successful than I was without an iPhone 6. I tested my theory by not telling several people close to me that I now own a iPhone 6 to see if they would comment about the “new me.” For example, I expected to start getting invited to certain chic parties I hadn’t been invited to before –or having these friends struggle to identify what exactly was different about me now (since they didn’t know about the new phone). Perhaps they would ask me questions like, “Did you get a new haircut recently?” Or “Did you lose even more weight?” Or “Did you just do or buy something that has made you irresistibly fabulous over night?” Well, none of that happened. In fact, one friend even told me I was irritating because I kept talking about smart phone upgrades hoping he would ask me if I had upgraded recently. I am thinking of returning my iPhone 6 for being outright defective for not delivering to me that elusive “x factor” or “Je ne sais quois” the iPhone 6 ads seemed to be promising. On the other hand, maybe I simply got the wrong color and need to exchange my white iPhone 6 for the gold of black models. That has to be what the real problem is. Right? Otherwise it would mean something is wrong with me. Or that I am going to have to wait for the iPhone 7 to be released.
When, after getting dressed in the morning, you really want to take a selfie and post it on Facebook — but you don’t. And only write about it in a Facebook post instead. === Sometimes at the end of a long, exhausting and frustrating day, the only thing that really helps me relax is to let out a long stream of cuss words as loudly as I can and to just say ’em in whatever order they pop into my head and to keep saying ’em until I’m out of breath from cussing so hard. Then I’m ready for a light and pleasant evening.
She seemed like my type, too, and I even got this funny feeling in my stomach just watching her. I am really lucky she is my wife. Rebecca was in a hurry and couldn’t talk long but I slyly checked her out again as she left.
I thought to myself, “We got Jesus in the house!” and looked around for someone to tell. But I only caught the eye of a police officer who was watching me and simply nodded hello. I didn’t say anything to him about Jesus being in the back of the store in the soft drink section for fear of arousing suspicion. But I stalled for time by buying some Tic Tacs I didn’t need so I could catch another glimpse of the man who looked like Jesus. As he walked peacefully toward me I smiled at him (Him?) and he serenely smiled back. I couldn’t help it, I said, “When you walked in I almost shouted at you, ‘Jesus? Is that you?’ and wanted to introduce myself….I have seen pictures of you at church.”
Really nice guy. I told him I wish I had some fishes and loaves with me for him to multiply. He gave me a blessing sign with both hands and we said goodbye and I told him to have a nice day. (That’s right, out of habit, I told Jesus to “Have a nice day.” Like my wish for a good day would have any impact. What can I say? I was nervous.) He was just so approachable and seemed so kind. Back inside my car I watched him drive away and, again, couldn’t believe the resemblence. Then as I looked at the pic I snapped with my phone I noticed a bright light aglow that seemed to project from his face. I am not saying Jesus was really at Thortons off Shelbyville road this morning. I am just saying that if He was, He is a really cool guy.
This morning I learned that if I cut myself shaving to be sure not to make a nick so deep that it bleeds for 28 minutes. That is too long and just a bad idea generally. I also learned that if I do cut myself badly shaving and tissue isn’t enough to stop the bleeding, an excellent alternative is a small article of clothing, like briefs. Hanes seems to be particularly effective. They are soft and very absorbant and last longer than a tissue. And you can… even take them with you if the bleeding hasn’t stopped and you have to get to work. And, finally, I learned that if I cut myself shaving and am using a pair of underwear to stop the bleeding while driving to work, no matter how badly I want a cup of coffee, I shouldn’t walk into the coffee shop pressing a pair of men’s underwear against my face. It makes it hard to get good service. Trust me on this last one.
But not on AT&T’s customer service line where I am hoping to get a quick resolution to a small and annoying phone issue. Questions like “How is your day going so far?” and “How is everything else?” and “Are you enjoying your day so far today?” just don’t seem …spontaneous and, well…, genuine. In fact, when I get disconnected and call back and talk to a completely different person, that new person, as fate would have it, asks me the exact same friendly questions about my day and me and the general state of my well-being. I am appreciative of these solicitous inquiries and I am always friendly in return —but I do try subtly to steer our conversation back around to the primary reason for my call which is mostly to get my phone working again. I don’t mean to sound crotchety and think it is wonderful to be polite and friendly– especially with a stranger on a routine customer service call. But if you have to make regular calls to customer service, hearing the canned buddy chatter over and over can make you question how genuine the AT&T rep really is. Especially if you are trying to cancel a line you cancelled last month but continue to get charged for. And the rep tries to help out her new friend (you) by saying on three different occasions, “I noticed you are taking advantage of the Friends and Family Plan and I can’t recommend you cancel a line and I want to tell you about better options you are missing out on.” Having a new friend is always a little awkward at first. You are just getting to know one another and when you have asked politely not to be sold a new line but just please cancel and stop charging for the line you cancelled last month, you tend to think a friend would understand. But I have found that my new AT&T friends don’t really “get” me when it comes to asking for their help. They tend to be what I would call “controlling.” They act like they know what is best for me better than I do myself. And that does get annoying. Even between friends. Especially if my same new friend wants me to stay on the line at the end of our little chit chat to answer a bunch of questions about what a great job they did helping me (even if they really didn’t). Of course, I don’t ever say anything ugly in one of these question and answer segments about my new friend, but I can’t help thinking they are being a little self-absorbed —and needy. For a friend anyway. Let’s just say I am sure glad that my non-AT&T friends don’t end our phone call conversations this way. And if they ever start, I may eventually begin giving them bad reviews for making everything “all about them” instead of just being a friend. Or acting like a good customer service rep.. Because that’s how real friends treat one another.
Today I will be the dopest and illest me I can be. === Is it just me or does Panera Bread coffee taste superisingly bad? Just my opinon but I suggest they get rid of the current coffee guy and let the person who makes their pasteries start making the coffee too. EDITOR’S NOTE: As always, John Y. Brown III is dead wrong. Panera hazelnut coffee is quite delicious. And superisingly is not a word. JYB III is a left-wing neo-con anti-Semitic Zionist anti-barista anti-dentite
For my hair. The friendly and talkative hair stylist kept asking me what kind of “product” I used and I politely explained I had never used product before and wouldn’t need any, thank you. But she persisted. Finally, she had me pull out my phone and Google Patrick Dempsey (who is an actor and plays a character named Dr McDreamy in Grey’s Anatomy) and told me that with the right product I could look like him. “His hair,” she clarified. That was good enough for me. So tonight I look like a doctor. Who doesn’t look like Patrick Demspsey. But who does look like he uses hair product.
2l Teens — “I can’t believe I have to deal with this lame ass s***” 3) Young adult — “How will I ever find my place in the world –much less take it over?” 4) 30’s — “I think I can….I think I can” 5) 40’s –“It’s Mr Brown to you, son.” 6) Early 50’s — “………….What? Oh. Yeah,, I’m here.” 7) Late 50’s “Well, I may not have become President of the United States but I did make it to director of my division. Not bad. Not bad at all.” 8) 60’s — “Life is good. Not dead yet….hehe” 9) 70’s –“Not dead yet.” (But without the “Hehe”) 10) 80’s and over “Still not dead…but can’t believe that bastard down the street is still alive.” |
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