By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 7, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Advice texted to my son today after we had lunch and he asked an important question I didn’t answer adequately at the time.
Me: “You asked me if there were many dishonest people in government and business. The answer, as I said earlier, is no. There are very few and they are radioactive and never last long.
But there are plenty of people everywhere who can sometimes be selfish or short-sighted or petty. And that is disappointing. You can’t change them and just learn to maneuver around them. And then you must be careful not to get sucked in to their game of playing things small.
Playing small is not a game worth getting good at if you are going to ask a lot of yourself in life–whatever you end of doing in your work.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Dec 6, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack. I don’t care if I never get back.
The immortal words of the time honored “7th Inning Stretch” –a moment of pause to stretch, relax, refocus and retool for the final two innings of the game.
And it’s for the fans more than the players.
So….I propose the healthful benefits of the few minute long 7th Inning Stretch be extended to Corporate America.
Of course, we’ll need a catchy tune with easy to remember lyrics. But I’ve already thought about that. Every weekday at 3:15 I propose everyone in every business organization, profit and non-profit, be encouraged to stand, stretch, peel away that glaze over their eyes as they get ready to bring the day home. And the anthem should be “Boogie Nights” by Heatwave.
This could work. And insurance companies can even sponsor personal service announcements encouraging participation.
I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t like the song “Boogie Nights,” and knows the words, and feels a little bit more hopeful and energized after hearing?
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 5, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
“Oh my gosh. That is such a heterosexual thing to say.”
No one has said that to me yet. But I think one day it will be commonplace phrase in our culture if we heteros don’t get it together. And quickly.
I just walked out of a coffee shop where four well groomed, physically fit , articulate and nice looking men were sitting having a serious and substantive discussion. And I was envious. I thought to myself, “Part of me is jealous and wishes I was one of them.” Not a practicing gay, of course…but just gay in the other ways that my sexual orientation seem to be falling so far behind.
Oh, you are probably thinking to yourself “John is stereotyping gays by ‘assuming’ this group of men are gay because of the way they look and talk.” No. Not really. Think about it for a minute. When was the last time you saw four well-groomed, physically fit, articulate, nice looking heterosexual men having a substantive conversation about anything?
Oh sure, we heteros were represented at the coffee shop, too, alright. Don’t worry about that. Two of us were spread out at a table bitching about politics and why they couldn’t catch a break, in work or in romance. I couldn’t hear specifics because I was only in line for a few minutes. But it appeared they had a lot of misfortunes to cover today because it looked like they had been there most of the morning. And had enjoyed breakfast and a follow up snack. Put it this way, if the average male waistline is 34- 36, my two hetero colleagues were doing their job of balancing out the 4 other men’s trim waistline in the coffee shop (with a little help from me, size 38).
I was so embarrassed I almost wanted to say, “Hey guys. At least fix your hair and speak in complete sentences. You’re giving us heterosexuals a bad name.” But, of course, I didn’t. My hair was unkempt too. And I was eating a cake pop with my coffee.
As I walked out I remembered kids when I was younger saying things like, “That’s such a ‘gay’ thing to say” and meaning it as a put down. Heck, I am sure I said it myself. But today, if someone said to me, “That is so gay of you, John.” Well, I think it would be about the nicest thing anybody said to me all day.
And I wouldn’t even correct the person offering the compliment by telling them I was really heterosexual. I would just let them think I would not be out of place in a group like the one I saw today at the coffee shop –and most everywhere else for that matter.
And that’s when I worried about the next step after that. When someone accuses me of sounding hetero for the first time, and meaning it as a put down making the point that I am overweight, lazy and unimaginative or have no taste in clothes or don’t understand movies. As in, “That is such a heterosexual thing to say.” It could happen. And these days, when we heteros can’t seem to stay fit, keep married, stop complaining or come up with anything interesting to say outside of rattling off some sports scores, asking if there will be a Porkies III, and deciding when the next game of fantasy baseball will be, well, them are darn near fighting words, if you ask me.
And the worst part is, we heteros aren’t even very tough any more. I’m afraid we’d lack the energy to even fight back or have the cleverness to come up with an adequate “retort.”
The more I thought about it the more I thought of this video clip, imagining what our retort to the hetero put down might look like.
Then again, uhhhh, well, that’s just my opinion, man.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Dec 4, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Polygamy vs Monogamy.
An ordinary married couple discusses the pros and cons. And realities.
I love laughing with my wife about about bizarre speculative situations….Like just now. My wife and I are talking about Muslim culture, women’s roles, and polygamy. Rebecca asked if I would practice polygamy if I had been born into Muslim culture. And smiled anticipating my answer….Kind of put me on the spot… a little bit.
I said, “Look honey, you know me. I’m not…..I’m not really the martyr type. I wouldn’t want to marry other women, of course. But would do it to, you know, so people wouldn’t talk bad about you. Because, like, if I was the only monogamist in a polygamist culture people start talking and assuming things about me and, you know, maybe think you were the cause. I could never allow that perception of you to happen and so would marry other women just to preserve your reputation in the community. Again, not that I’d want to. You know, When in Rome….”
We were both laughing hysterically at this riff….and then it was Rebecca’s turn.
“You’d be an awful polygamist. You know how I get upset when you are late or or don’t give me your full attention when talking sometimes? Or if you text me instead of call me? Well, multiply that 5 times! Those 5 wives would be so angry and fed up with you.
“Where is he?” “Are you kidding?” “He’s a mess.” “We know he’ll never take the garbage out.”
“They would be talking about you all the time and you’d be miserable. And begging for a monogamous relationships. ”
Laughing even harder….as I have to completely agree. I’d be a dismal polygamist.
It’s good to laugh with your spouse. And I’m grateful to live in a monogamous culture. And to have a mate who keeps me always on my toes…and laughs with me (as often as at me).
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Dec 3, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Idiot proofing and the decline of Microsoft?
In my old job when we were about to introduce a new online service to the public, it had to pass one final test (after all the technical specifications were met). It had to be what I called, “Idiot Proof.”
And we had one simple test for whether or not something passed the critical “Idiot Proof” test.
I had to be able to figure it out how to use it quickly and easily (intuitively) without reading the directions.
My rationale was that I’m a pretty ordinary consumer and, like many (maybe most) consumers, I have a short attention span and short frustration-tolerance level (before giving up and moving to the next product). And– this is key–I don’t ever read directions first.
So….if I could figure out quickly how to use a new service successfully —it was ready to “Go live.” (And I remember literally sitting with my tech team trying out something new. For them it was probably like watching a child tinker with a new toy. But it was a good threshold test then…and I still think it still is today.)
Which brings me to Microsoft Windows 8. I am now into week 4 (or maybe its week 7 or 8), and I still don’t know what it is that has improved from the previous Windows version. It is not “Idiot Proof” It is not —to me anyway–intuitive. It is confusing and cute and clever and hip-looking but for all the wrong reasons. Namely, because Microsoft wanted it to look cute and clever and hip-looking to cover up any real substantive improvements. And that is —after 4 weeks (or maybe 7 or 8 weeks) confusing. Not to mention disappointing and frustrating.
At least that’s one Idiot’s opinion. But an Idiot who has been a loyal Microsoft user for many years.
Maybe Microsoft is trying too hard to be like Apple (but without seeming like it’s trying to be like Apple). And that doesn’t work. Remember when Al Gore kept trying to reinvent himself in the 2000 presidential campaign? He wasn’t an Apple. He was a PC. Bill Clinton was an Apple using open source code on a wireless and virtual mini tablet. Al would have been much better off just being good ole trusty un-cool and un-hip but smart and reliable dorky Al.
Al was a first rate Al Gore but a 3rd rate Bill Clinton wanna-be.
Some people just can’t dress up in the latest cool fashions and pull it off.
Some companies can’t ever be dressed up like the cool kid either.
But remember, for the cool kid to be the cool kid, there has to be a lot of ordinary (PC students) who begrudgingly admire and aspire to be him/her. The PC kids, so to speak.
But from a market share standpoint, cool kids only make up about 3-5% of the market share. Which means the PC kids make up 95% of the student market. And that’s a much bigger (albeit different) market to sell to. Unless you forget who you are —and who they are (your customer base).
What point am I trying to make with all the gobbledygook rigamarole? I think it is this.
Microsoft can either be a first rate Microsoft or it can keep trying to be a third rate Apple poser.
Microsoft needs to embrace its ordinariness. The world actually needs more ordinariness to function successfully that it does coolness. A lot more. And embrace it before they embarrass themselves. Windows 8 reminds me of the prolonged kiss with Tipper Gore at the convention to demonstrate Al was a passionate, hip and cool guy. (Note: Al and Tipper are split today).
If Microsoft doesn’t learn that lesson soon the entire company may start looking like the Zune. On eBay. Because who wants the Zune when you can have an iPod.
And what the heck is Microsoft doing pretending to be like Apple anyway? They are Microsoft for goodness sakes!
That was a good question a few years ago during the Zune debacle. And it’s an even more pertinent question today.
And it doesn’t take an idiot to see the source code writing on the wall, so to speak.
But I thought I’d offer one idiot’s opinion anyway.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Nov 30, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
The truth about attorneys.
Lawyers aren’t always as smart as they want you to think they are.
(Email exchange today with my law firm doing a conflict check for a potential new client.)
Me: No conflict….
Partner: John, Why the ellipsis?
Me: Smart people use ellipses and I never knew why. I thought it would make me look smart if I used one during the conflict check after “No.” So, that’s why I used the ellipsis.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Nov 29, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Every month I have dinner with a wonderful group of guys. We usually each pay for our own dinner but every few months someone feels a call to pick up the ticket for everyone. I felt the call about three months ago but didn’t pick up the check at the time but did announce to the group I would be doing so sometime in the near future .
Tonight was to be that night.
Sort of, anyway.
As we were finishing dinner, I furtively slipped by the cashier and asked how much our table’s dinner would be because I “may” be picking up the check. The cashier pointed to a much higher figure than I had imagined and explained that a 15 % gratuity was automatically added since there were over 7 of us. I told her I would not be picking up the check this time after all but maybe would buy dessert for the table.
The dessert menu was described to the table and no one ordered anything.
Hmmmm. Now what ?
And like a brilliant thunderbolt crashing through my brain, I suddenly had an ingenious and novel idea!
I went back to the cashier and said, “Look, how about I pay for 25% of the bill? Can you work that out for me?”
The cashier politely said it shouldn’t be a problem but added that no one had ever made that request before. “How would that work ? ” she asked.
“Well,” I said, “Just take 25% off the top and charge everyone else only 75% of their meal.” I looked at her incredulously like this is something that is requested all the time in large groups where the big shot is also fiscally prudent.
A few minutes later she came by the time and whispered in my ear, “Does that 25% off the top include the tip?”
“Yes,” I said. “Look, just charge me one-quarter of the total price and divide up the remainder evenly–including the tip.”
At this point the person next to me said , “Just give me the check. I’ll cover it.”
I insisted I pay 25% and a small big shot verbal scuffle over the bill ensued. “Oh, are you serious about getting 25% of the tab? I thought you were joking.”
“I am completely serious,” I exclaimed, hoping someone else at the table would notice. “Why don’t you pick up the remainder, whatever that is, like….oh, 75%?” And he did.
I announced to the table that although I wasn’t picking up the entire tab (because it was too expensive) that I I was covering 25% –which was worth noting. And added that I was glad one person who was supposed to attend had cancelled. “That’s 25% of one meal I didn’t have to cover.” I then added I would be picking up 10% of a meal this summer and up to 20% of a meal in the fall so that I would incrementally pick up 100% of one of our group dinners…but was going to stretch it out over an 18 month period of time.
But as we shook hands and said goodbye until next month’s dinner everyone was thanking my friend for dinner and not giving me an honorable mention but instead a quizzical or bemused look when I explained again how we had divided things up.
Finally, with the last friend to say goodnight I simplified it by explaining the situation more concretely. “You know those au gratin potatoes you had tonight? Well, I paid for them. The entree, drink, and salad was picked up by someone else. So just thank me for the au gratin potatoes.”
And that was that. I spent more than I had planned to appear to be a big shot and looked cheaper than ever.
But learned a valuable lesson. When trying to impress by offering to pay for dinner it never works to try to do it a la carte. It’s an all or nothing proposition. Like most things in life.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Nov 28, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
The name we dare not speak….because we no longer care.
A few weeks ago, I was in a conversation about who is the greatest running back in NFL history. Names like Gayle Sayers, Walter Payton, and Earl Campbell came to mind as I tried to force away the inevitable name I didn’t want to mention.
And didn’t.
And was glad because the conversation then turned to sports heroes.
40 years ago this NFL season, on the last game of the season, a running back named OJ Simpson did the unthinkable. He rushed for over 2000 yards in one season–200 yards in the 14th and final game. I remember watching the entire game at age 9 entranced…watching football history being made. I have never considered any running back to be OJ Simpson’s equal since.
I’ll say it. OJ Simpson was my sports hero then.
He was in 1973–and perhaps still is today–the greatest ever to play the running back position.
But football is just a game. Games are important…I suppose we are all playing a game of some sort or another. Some construct of competition to make us and our world a little better…or maybe just to provide a reprieve, or form of entertainment, to others.
But in life, OJ, I believe, did something even more unthinkable. And sealed his fate and place in history. Not as one of the greatest athletes of our time but one of our most infamous criminals.
When I was 31 I watched the Bronco chase with even greater intensity than the famous 1973 Bills-Jets game. Few individuals who walk among us have risen higher or fallen farther than OJ Simpson. I don’t hate him. I don’t pity him. I don’t miss the old OJ. I’m not disappointed. I’m not even numb to Simpson and his life and legacy. I am oddly indifferent. Probably more as a defense mechanism because someone I admired so much for excellence in one area of his life disappointed so grievously in a much more important area of his life. And I’ll never be able to understand why. And now no longer even care that I won’t.
OJ has has traveled the bizarre trajectory of being the most celebrated athlete to the most hated alleged criminal to the most unspeakable public personality– to perhaps the most famous irrelevant person of our era (a poetically fitting punishment). And no one even knows how to talk about that.
And maybe there’s nothing else to say. But I thought I’d try. It’s glorious in many ways to go from mere mortal to famous society icon. OJ, for a brief time, was like a mythical god among us. It’s hard being famous, too, of course. But not as hard as going from famous icon back to mere mortal. That is a treacherous path, it seems.
Maybe the ultimate story of OJ Simpson isn’t that he failed to reach his potential greatness as an athlete. But rather that he failed so horribly at finding his way back to himself when it was his turn to leave the stage and return to being just an ordinary human being. In his case that treacherous journey appears to literally have killed a lovely young lady and destroyed her family. And figuratively killed OJ Simpson, both as an icon and human being.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Nov 27, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
This absurdity of holding on to petty resentments.
True story.
Last night–and I don’t remember the details—but I had a dream in which a tall gentlemen I seemed to respect but didn’t know well and who was wearing a yellow-ish jacket passed me by on the street and intentionally brushed up against me in that way that seemed to say he was upset with me or sending me a message of disrespect.
That’s all I remember from the dream. The rest of whatever happened has been forgotten–which I think was mostly pleasant.
But twice today I’ve thought about the brush off passerby.
And I’ve decided the next time I have this dream and he shows up–assuming I can remember to do it—I am going to go out of my way to walk past him and brush up lightly against him (not in an offensive way that is trying to start a fight but rather just to let him know that what happened last night in my dream gets acknowledged, was not OK with me, and send the message that I hope it doesn’t happen again.)
On the other hand, I could just forgive him or assume it was an accident. In my dream. And let it go.
I want to let it go but this slight seems different and worth holding on to a little longer. Because, you know, it’s the principle of the thing. Right?
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Nov 26, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
“You can’t manage whay you can’t measure.”
Wrapping up our 6th annual father – daughter weekend with my 14 year old daughter, Maggie.
All 6 have been excellent but some feel a little better than the others —but we have never had a concrete, objective way to measure the success of our annual weekends.
Until now.
Late this afternoon I got a call from my credit card company for an “Alert for potential fraudulent activity with my credit card.”
They needed me to confirm three unusual purchases this weekend that deviated from my usual habits—-all involving female clothing purchases.
I finally explained “I am with my 14 year old daughter this weekend.”
Even that gentleman on the other end of the phone from what seemed like a call center in India understood. “Thank you, Mr Brown” he laughed. “I understand now!”
But there are plenty of people everywhere who can sometimes be selfish or short-sighted or petty. And that is disappointing. You can’t change them and just learn to maneuver around them. And then you must be careful not to get sucked in to their game of playing things small.
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