By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 21, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Anticlimactic Apocalypses
What will you be doing to celebrate the Apolcolypse this Friday?
I wish I could get pumped up for it but, it’s a lot like Halloween this past year, my hearts just not in it.
It was my 49th Halloween and I know the routine and have seen it all and knew there were not real surprises. Nothing new or fresh to keep my interest. So I just took it easy and picked out some candy for our house that I wanted to eat and treated Halloween 2012 just like any other day.
And today’s Apocalypse (I think this is the Mayan variety) will be much the same way. According to Wikipedia Friday will be Apocalypse 59 for me during my lifetime. If you can imagine being bored with Halloween after just 48 of them; try to imagine how checked out I’ll be for today’s Apocalypse?
And add to it that Apocalypses don’t even have candy or gifts or after school specials. They are just cataclysmic disasters that don’t happen.
Like going to the doctor to get tested every few years for leprosy.
Sure, I guess there is a sense of exhilaration hearing the news that you tested negative, but did you ever really think you had leprosy? Or that the Mayans were somehow that much better at predicting the future than the dozens of psychics before them that totally botched predicting an Apocalypse?
I won’t waste the day but I’m not celebrating either. I’m not even sure I want the t-shirt this time.
And a word to clairvoyants and psychics everywhere. I know that predicting the end of the world occurring on a date certain can get a fellow psychic a lot of street cred within your profession. But c’mon. Every year a new prediction? It’s getting to be worse that The Boy Who Cried Wolf. And these are grown men and women crying apocalypse. All the fun has been taken out of it. Look it’ if you are going to predict Armageddon, make darn sure you you either come correct, or don’t come at all.
At this rate, Apocalypses are about as exciting as a lunar eclipse. That hasn’t happened 58 times in a row.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 19, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Why Facebook won’t ever save your life.
Today I was working from my car (something I do often) and both phones were out of charge and and I had left my charging cable at home.
I mean….the whole point of having a back-up phone is in case the primary phone runs out of power but it was drained too. Having a back up phone is especially critical if your primary phone is an iPhone (which holds a charge about as long as you can drive on a spare tire) And note, iPhones are terrible back-up phones to another iPhone. It’s like replacing your spare tire with another spare tire.
But here’s how I realized Facebook isn’t a great vehicle for a blast text message screaming out for help. Of course, I didn’t need to scream out for help. But I did have a few minutes left on my laptop which was connected to wifi. And it made me wonder what would happen if I did post in big bold letters on Facebook, “Help Me!!”
And I realized instantly what would happen if I was being beaten and kidnapped moments before posting my desperate plea for help….assuming I survived to check my Facebook page the next day.
I would have received maybe 25 “Likes” and had about 10 comments along the line of “Hilarious!,” “No, not him. I need help! LOL,” “You should use a red octagon sign,” “OMG, that happened to me once and all I got were “likes.” Good luck!” And maybe a few “shares.”
But, then again, if something like that ever did happen, it would make a really funny Facebook post.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Dec 18, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
One more reason to avoid the “Open Box” Sale Table.
Like all American consumers, I like a bargain. The sense that I, with some savvy, cleverness and sound judgement, paid less and got more than others. It’s a sort of game we play with ourselves. Best Buy is well know for these tables but they aren’t alone. Just the seeming leader in tech retail gimmicks, from “sales” to “open box” to “rebates” to “packeges” to “trading up” and “trading in” and so on.
So, when I walked into Best Buy this afternoon I gravitated to the “Open Box” Sale table announcing 20% additional off the open box prices. Pretty darned good deal, if you can find something you really need and want. So I dug through about 20 laptops….and narrowed it to two.
I researched both on my phone. Talked to a sales clerk. Browsed some more.Researched a little more. Talked to a second sales clerk and was back at the table, finally, to make my decision between the two finalist laptops.
Until a I had that feeling in my gut like I just realized I left home fully dressed but forgot to put my pants on.
Although that’s never happened to me. I have had to check a few times, being a little absent minded and easily distracted.
What happened?
One of the two laptops I was about to purchase was a laptop I traded in 4 weeks ago (for about $417) because I missed the 14 day return policy cut off by a couple days and had to “trade in” rather than “return” And the awesome price I was about to pay thinking I was outsmarting my fellow shoppers? $695.
After 30 minutes of sharp bargain hunting, I was on the brink of purchasing a computer today for $300 more than I sold the exact same computer for last month.
So does this mean I bought the other laptop from the Open Box table?
No. I decided given my shopping acumen so far today, I shouldn’t buy anything more expensive than a soft drink. At least while shopping alone. I found a PowerAde drink for $1.50 and don’t remember reselling it to Best Buy last month. And then I slinked out the door to bargain hunt in a less sophisticated environment.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Dec 17, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
What is the posthumous shelf-life of a human life?
(Or the length of time before it is no longer of use, or suitable for sale?)
We all would like to be immortal. Or at least avoid coming to grips with the fact that we are mortal and our time on this planet is finite.
As my first step-father shrewdly put it to me many years ago when I was in college. “Look around this restaurant (there were about 100 patrons). Everyone of here has fully accepted that everyone in this restaurant is going to die one day. Except them.”
I thought that was very wise. I also never returned to that particular restaurant after that story.
So, now what? We aren’t immortal…but can we leave a legacy? Will people’s memory of us linger on many, many years after we pass?
I got a curt glimpse at that answer a few days ago while getting coffee and eavesdropping on two female customers at the condiment bar. It went something like this.
Lady 1: “Did you not hear? Yes, he had a heart attack and died.”
Lady 2: “Oh, no. I hadn’t heard. That is so sad. How old was he?”
Lady 1: “I think he was 58. Too young. I can’t believe it. He was in the Hawaii and just died suddenly of a heart attack, I heard.”
Lady 2: “That is just so sad. Way too young……Oh, did I tell you I was in Hawaii about 6 months ago…..”
My conservative estimate —at least for these two casual acquaintances— this unfortunate gentleman’s posthumous shelf life was about 11.2 seconds.
Sure we can leave legacies and loved ones will talk about us for longer than 11.2 seconds. But the harsh reality, it seems, is that any credit we hope to make up for in goodwill memories after we die, aren’t going to be worth much at all. And if we want to be well thought of….and have a full life, we’re better off asking what can we do today instead of banking on some pleasant lingering sentiment posthumously.
Unless, of course, we were one of the 100 people in the restaurant that night that believes this is true for everyone else alive. Except them.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 14, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
The new LinkedIn Peeping Tom notification.
That’s what I’m calling it anyway.
I miss the good ole days when you could look at someone’s resume profile and not feel dirty.
LinkedIn has a new feature “Someone just viewed your profile.” And I gotta say it’s a little creepy. I don’t think I like it.
I just got a notice about somebody looking at my profile.
My first.
And I went and looked at their profile so they will be notified—notified that I know they are peeking at my profile and trying to go unnoticed. But aren’t.
I hope this is the message that LinkedIn intends for users to send. It seems a little odd, though, if you ask me.
Then again, maybe I’m being proactive. Another possible consequence of this new service is that it will become customary to “return the favor” when someone peeks (or peeps) at your profile. So that if someone peeps at you and you don’t return the favor, it could be construed as an insult –like being dissed?
Not sure I see a lot of good coming from this new LinkedIn innovation.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Dec 13, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Should it be called the new “Liger smartphone”?
I was excited about seeing the new Galaxy Note II –until I saw it, that is.
The new Samsung Galaxy Note II has the tag line: Is it a phone? Or is it a tablet?
They don’t elaborate, but could promote it adding:
Are you one of those people who is always saying, “I love my cell phone but sure do wish it were much bigger so it would be impossible to hold with one hand and comfortably carry with me.”
Or maybe you are one of those types who are fond of saying, “I love my iPad or PC tablet, but doggone it I sure do wish it was smaller so I’d have to squint to read the screen.”
Well….with the Samsung Galaxy Note II, you can finally have both!!!
That’s right, the Worst of BOTH worlds!!
Made my think of a scene from Napoleon Dynamite.
Liger: Part male lion and part tigress.
But nothing particularly special except they hadn’t been cross bread before and probably shouldn’t have been in the first place.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 12, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Obviously!
When my son was about 11 years old we were in a heated debate about something utterly trivial and I stopped us and decided this could be a great “teaching moment.”
“In life, Johnny,” I started, “We often have to decide, Do we want to be right about every little thing–even silly things– or do we want to be happy.”
I paused.
“Which would you rather be?” I asked.
Johnny shot back “Both!”
I said, “No. You can’t do that. You have to chose one….Not both. Which would it be?”
Johnny, dug in and was trying to simultaneously make a point and get the correct answer. “Well, Dad, I’d rather be right, obviously.”
“No. No…no, no, no. That’s not the right answer. You’d rather be happy.”
Johnny snapped back, “Maybe you’d rather be happy. I’d rather be right. Being right makes me happy. So I do get both.”
I haven’t checked back to see if he’s modified his position on this issue but think I will this weekend.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Dec 11, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Bitter Sweet Symphony
I am a sucker for bitter sweet as a prefix for anything.
I admit that.
I think that much of life, even the most beautiful , brilliant, gratifyjng and elegant parts are still —at best — imbued with a bitter sweet quality. And that isn’t a “sad” quality.
Just a human one.
So being the cutting edge music aficionado that I am, I couldn’t resist the title of this song I stumbled across this morning: And absolutely love this song and sound and video.
Note; I use “cutting edge ” loosely.
Meaning plus or minus 15 years. Apparently this song was released in 1997 and received notable acclaim.
But, hey, that’s more cutting edge than, like, 16 years later.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Dec 10, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Analogy fail.
As helpful as analogies are, they can’t be too personal or too obscure. And keep them light. For example, here’s analogy fail from several months ago I used with a couple of close friends trying to be funny.
“You know that feeling you get when you walk into your old apartment for the first time in six weeks after going to rehab and you have to remove three month old milk cartons with soured milk and clear out old pizza boxes with dried hardened pieces of rancid pizza crust that could be used as a prison shiv?”
Well, as it turned out, the answer was no. No one could relate. So what were some lessons I learned?
First rule: Too personal. Don’t assume just because you had a personal experience 27 years ago, everyone else did too and can relate to the image or feeling you are trying to recreate.
Second rule: Don’t use obscure references like “prison shiv” even if you’ve never been to prison, never plan to go, and have no plans to ever use a prison shiv and only know about them from one of your favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption.
Third rule. Know your audience. Be careful giving out dangerous ideas. The only people who would appreciate the pizza crust prison shiv reference are people who may one day be in a position to actually make and use one in prison. And then you’ll feel really stupid.
And today’s Apocalypse (I think this is the Mayan variety) will be much the same way. According to Wikipedia Friday will be Apocalypse 59 for me during my lifetime. If you can imagine being bored with Halloween after just 48 of them; try to imagine how checked out I’ll be for today’s Apocalypse?
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