By Lauren Mayer, on Tue Sep 17, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET Every now and then, a situation arises in which seemingly disparate elements come together in perfect unison, like some cosmic Venn diagram (if you haven’t seen this on elementary school homework lately, it’s a diagram invented by John Venn in 1880 using overlapping circles to illustrate logical relations between a finite collection of sets). (See, some of my digressions can be educational!)
It could be that day your schedule works out perfectly with 3 successive appointments all being right next to each other, or receiving a sample of car air freshener on the day both your boys decide to take their shoes off in the car after a long hot day, or noticing that several news stories all relate to a common theme. (Although I must admit, the car air freshener was wishful thinking – any parent of teenagers can probably relate . . . )
Last week’s news provided that perfect convergence for New York Times-subscribing opinionated liberal musical humorists who write for a site advocating bipartisanship, who are embarrassed by how rarely they tackle international news, who find no humor in the situation in Syria, who played a lot of music by Russian composers as young piano students, and who feel particularly strongly about gay rights. (Okay, maybe there’s only one of us . . . . but you never know!) In case you are another “I-should-read-the-world-news-but-I’m-in-a-hurry” type, Vladimir Putin took John Kerry up on his slightly facetious offer to have Syria give up its chemical weapons, talked to his buddy there, and may have helped avert a showdown in Congress about military action. But just as we were feeling relieved and even maybe grateful, Putin then published an opinion piece in which he blasted us for thinking America had any real role in the world and lectured us on how all people are created equal (but apparently not if they’re gay?) At any rate, from my rather odd perspective, there was something so irresistible about the combination of a Russian leader helping avert a crisis while simultaneously advocating anti-gay laws and then writing an anti-American op-ed which produced irate responses from both Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner. Now that’s a remarkable achievement!
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 17, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET I met my husband on the street. So meeting strangers in public space is not foreign to me, even though I am shy by nature. I am counterphobic I guess. And I am also in the business of helping people to meet.
I had the opportunity to attend a tremendously interesting conference at Harvard this week about public space: its design, its uses and its politics. It was called Putting Public Space in its Place. It was organized and chaired by Professor Jerold Kayden, who has an organization that advocates for the Privately Owned Public Spaces (POPS) of New York City. These spaces have largely been neglected and abandoned. As a result, the owners have either privatized them or let them languish in the majority of cases. I’m interested in the question of re-claiming public spaces for the public, and especially for the purpose of human connection.
Because I am in the matchmaking business, I think a lot about the way people meet their potential dates. I always hear from clients; “Where do I go to meet people? Is online dating the only option? I see people on the subway or at the park that I want to meet, but it seems too awkward- what can I do?” We get the term “ice breaker” from the fact that it can feel as cold as ice to break through the defenses that people have up, especially in a big scary place like New York City. A warm smile can be all you need if you dare. But because smiling at a girl or guy you like can be close to impossible, I’m thinking a warm matchmaker may be necessary. Industry experts say I’m getting warmer.
Public space needs a hotspot. I’m not talking about the Wi-Fi kind. Vast open public space can be a wonderful canvas for design-o-philes, but Fred Kent, founder and president of Project for Public Spaces, calls for creating smaller enclaves, a process that he coins “placemaking.” This type of user-friendly design will encourage social use that is fun and engaging. (I am paraphrasing here so I hope Fred will forgive me.) This type of public space set-up has the capacity to spread the love naturally.
But when it comes to meeting new people and facing rejection, especially in public, there is a missing ingredient that extends even beyond great design. In my experience in the singles scene, people need shepherding. At the conference they call it stewardship. So I will just call myself the Stewardess of Love. That sounds sexy! Coffee, tea or a date? That’s what Matchmaker Café is.
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Nancy Slotnick: PDA
By Erica and Matt Chua, on Mon Sep 16, 2013 at 1:30 PM ET I have been testing a life theory. I state what I want to as many people as possible until someone says, “you know what, I’d be happy to _______ for/to you.” It started as a joke that if someone won the lottery, I’d make myself the easiest friend to shop for.
When a friend suddenly find himself with too much money and want to show their generosity, with who do they start? It’d be hard, I mean, what do you, newly rich, gift to your still proletariat friends? If this happens to any of my friends as soon as they start thinking of what to give whom they’ll realize: “Chua wants a Bentley! I can do that!” In their post lottery winning exuberance they’ll get me one, then start working down the list of other friends.
As days pass the realizations of not being as rich as imagined will settle in, the tax bill becomes real, and with each friend the gifts will become less and less glamorous until the newly minted friend is handing out Mentos, individually, not even whole packs, saving the rest of his winnings for himself. Of course, I’ll be rolling like Kobe Bryant in my Bentley while other friends’ fresh breath is wearing thin.
A Bentley she is not, but she made the impossible happen.
I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever get a Bentley, but say you have one sitting in your garage, not sure what to do with it, and you read this…you consider how much joy it would bring me and give it to me, after all you’re clearly rich enough to gift a Bentley if you just have it sitting around…(I’m also looking for a Rolex, another thing I’d never buy myself, but would bring a smile to my face every time I get to answer, “do you have the time?”). In testing this theory over the past few years I’ve gotten many things and opportunities I never really expected.
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Matt & Erica Chua: Dreams Come True: Route 40
By Saul Kaplan, on Mon Sep 16, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Click here to review or order
Dan Pink always makes me think. Each of his books elicits an “AHA” moment with staying power. Free Agent Nation changed the way I think about work and relate to institutions forever. A Whole New Mind rescued the right side of my brain from its inferiority complex and ignited a long-term love affair with design thinking. Dan’s book, Drive, is no different. It has crystallized my life-long instinct that our thinking about motivation and incentives is out of synch with the possibilities of the 21stcentury. Time to reboot motivation.
The 20th century was all about management. The North Star was how to get more people to go through the motions efficiently. Seeking personal meaning in work was a distraction. The best workers follow the rules, work hard, and smile. Work boiled down to an algorithm rendering out any creativity or autonomy. Fulfillment and empowerment were HR buzzwords and the “soft stuff” relegated to off-site retreats that don’t get in the way of real work. Incentives in the industrial era were all about carrots and sticks. Motivation was based solely on external factors including compensation, title, office, and promotion opportunities.
Early in my consulting career I worked for a boutique firm that specialized in sales force incentive compensation programs. I was consistently amazed by the gaping disconnect between the home office that inevitably over-engineered its goal setting and compensation practices and the actual behavior out in the sales territory. Sales representatives made quick work of these elegant plans figuring out how to game the system to optimize earnings. They cherry-picked the incentive plans based on experience, likelihood of earning a payout, and implications for the following year. The annual dance was de-motivating and rarely resulted in self-directed effort to maximize either the short or long-term value of customer relationships within a sales territory.
 I have observed legions of managers attempting to manipulate the dials of industrial era tools to optimize the output of employees. While it was clear to me that this approach sucked the meaning, autonomy, and motivation out of work for most employees it had the unfortunate advantage of delivering short-term business results, until it didn’t. The game changed when computers began to replace people doing repeatable work tasks. Technology also enabled repeatable work that still requires human involvement to move to lower cost locations. If it can be reduced to an algorithm it can either be virtualized or moved. This work is dehumanizing and uninteresting. Industrial era work has left the U.S. and it is not coming back. The work remaining to do requires both a new set of 21st century skills and a new approach to incentives and performance management.
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Saul Kaplan: Reboot Motivation
By Julie Rath, on Fri Sep 13, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET When was the last time you updated your headshot? What, you don’t have a headshot? No problem…read on for how to plan it, what to wear, and how to get it done with aplomb.
Having a good headshot never seems urgent until something like a speaking engagement comes up or someone is writing a profile of you, and then all of a sudden you really need one. Even though this may not be at the top of your to-do’s, trust me, people are checking you out online — and forming impressions of you based on what they see. And thanks to Google Images, any public pictures of you are going follow you around long-term. Below are 9 tips for getting headshots that would make your mama proud:
1) Wear solid colors as much as possible. If you’re wearing a patterned tie, make sure the pattern is not too busy or large in scale, since that will draw attention away from what people want to see to begin with — that handsome face of yours. Showtime’s CEO Matt Blank above gets it right with his clean, crisp look.
2) Speaking of color, make sure the shade you have on flatters your skin tone. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to wear the right colors. (You can figure this out by having a color analysis done — contact me for info, or more loosely by asking people whose judgement you trust what colors they think you look best in.)
Bonus tip: If you have light colored eyes, play them up by wearing a color that matches them.
3) Get your hair cut 5-7 days before photos. That’s about the right amount of time for a new cut to “settle” in, especially if your hair stylist tends to cut you very short (sometimes they do this to make the cut last longer if you have trouble fitting appointments in). You can also get it cut closer to the date of your headshot, and let him or her know you’ll be taking photos within the next couple of days and not to go too short.
4) Choose your outfit carefully depending on the purpose of your photos. For example, the whole idea of a business headshot is to show people that you’re trustworthy, professional and approachable yet self-assured. If you’re in a field like finance or law, go with a suit and tie. For more creative and casual fields like advertising or technology, you can wear a blazer and dress shirt, or just the dress shirt. Whatever you plan on wearing, bring a few options to the shoot.
5) Consider the background. For something traditional in feel, have your photos taken in-studio. For a more interesting vibe that’s still business-friendly, do them on location in your office — if you’re an executive, you might place yourself in front of a window overlooking the city, or stand powerfully in your office. If your photos are for personal use, or your industry is more casual, go outside and shoot in a park or in front of a cool background. See the image above of Jay Penske or my client Chris’s “after” photo for examples. Once you know what background your photos will be shot against, be sure that the colors you’re wearing don’t blend into that.
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Julie Rath: How to Get Killer Headshot Photos
By Liz Roach, on Thu Sep 12, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET  My meet-cute with New York City took place in 1999. A horse my grandfather and uncle had co-bred, Charismatic, was favored to win the Belmont Stakes for the Triple Crown. I flew up with my parents and brother to watch the excitement unfold.
Devastatingly, during the big race, the thoroughbred broke its leg and finished third. This I blamed on Long Island.
Offering solace was the city, with its sprawling swagger, sensory deluge, and gritty sophistication. It swiftly and aggressively earned a place in my affections.
Several more visits ensued, including a friend’s bachelorette party, where I was increasingly intrigued by New York and its many haunts, especially the little-known cafés and hideaways. For whatever reason, I was always there in the summer, when the city was at its muggiest and most potent.
My most sweltering summer there took place a few years ago, when I attended a program at Columbia University. In addition to writing and attending classes, I got to know Morningside Heights better. I quickly found that one of the best ways to do this was eating my way around the area. Along Broadway and Amsterdam Avenue, a slew of quirky eateries became favorites, from the famed writers’ hangout The Hungarian Pastry Shop, to Nussbaum & Wu (for bagels and attitude), to many hole-in-the-wall Mexican joints (the neighborhood abuts Harlem). While I explored other parts of town as much as I could, I focused most of my attentions on the Upper West Side.
So it was with anticipation that I had a chance to rekindle my affair with the City that Never Sleeps a few weeks ago. One of the most intriguing ways to explore a city is through friends that live there. Every neighborhood has its gems, and the savviest guides are the locals. On this trip, I visited friends in several different areas and sampled some tantalizing dishes and beverages along the way.
Here is a brief tour of a few of my stops. Maybe you’ll understand why I’m already coveting my next rendezvous with the city.
The Flatiron Room http://www.theflatironroom.com/ (Photo courtesy of The Bourbon Review)
I stopped by to join in The Bourbon Review‘s http://gobourbon.com/ 5th year anniversary party, which attracted a host of well-wishers and Southern expats. Swanky, with a vintage vibe, this hotspot boasts an encyclopedic array of whiskeys.
NoMad http://www.thenomadhotel.com/#!/dining
A sister restaurant of the illustrious Eleven Madison Park, NoMad puts out the red carpet for your taste buds. You can’t go wrong with anything you order here, but don’t miss the foodgasm-inducing roast chicken with truffles for two.
Veselka http://www.veselka.com/
You can eat the Eastern European comfort food here any time of day, but this quintessential East Village spot is best late at night. Try the potato pancakes with applesauce and sour cream. You won’t regret it.
Eataly http://www.eataly.com/
The chain lives up to the hype, with a mouth-watering menu of paninis, a vast display of homemade chocolates, a butcher counter, and a profusion of pasta. Pick up a sopprasetta sandwich and chilled champagne for an al fresco lunch with friends. (We laid claim to the breezy rooftop of our friend’s office, the Tiffany’s headquarters).
Habana Outpost Brooklyn http://www.habanaoutpost.com/locations/location/habana-outpost
Grilled corn, pork tacos, guacamole, frozen mojitos, and hipsters. Enough said.
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Liz Roach: Rendezvous with New York: Sizzle and Spirits in the City
By Josh Bowen, on Thu Sep 12, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET When starting a nutritional program, counting calories could be the most tedious part.
It also can be 25% off because of the altering of food and package labels.
Try this approach for better results and easier process:
By Lauren Mayer, on Tue Sep 10, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET Combing this past week’s news stories for a song idea was fairly discouraging – I can’t find anything funny about the possibility of air strikes against Syria, not to mention the human rights atrocities there. I’ve already done a song about Congressional gridlock, the sequester just keeps getting more depressing, and while Anthony Weiner has made a few headlines, it’s been for rage-aholic rants, not for titillating texts. Moreover, I realized many of my weekly songs are my way of responding to unpleasant news, hoping to find some humor in what otherwise would have me yelling, Weiner-style, at the computer, t.v. screen or newspaper.
But one happy story popped up, and not only is it good news, it’s also completely bipartisan, non-political yet totally newsworthy, and makes me smile whenever I think about it – Diana Nyad’s record-shattering swim from Cuba to Florida. After finally achieving a feat she’d been attempting unsuccessfully since 1978, as she emerged from the water she made three quoteable points, including a graceful acknowledgment of the team supporting her, but the one that struck me was “You’re never too old to chase your dreams.”
We have longer life expectancy today than ever before, and yet our culture still puts such a premium on youthful achievement that we feel like failures if we haven’t won a Tony Award or been a celebrity guest playing ‘Not My Job’ on “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” by the age of 30. (Or made our first million, or won an Olympic medal, or dated a member of One Direction, or whatever your particular dream happens to be.) So to celebrate the achievements of a woman who’s been eligible for AARP for 14 years gives me renewed faith in possibilities for those of us over 50. (Which is when you start getting those AARP mailers, as if it wasn’t hard enough to hit that milestone!)
So I am celebrating Ms. Nyad’s accomplishment in song, as well as acknowledging other feats achieved by AARP-eligible folks. And sure, I haven’t really had any videos go viral (despite the line I love to use from my 17-year-old, who saw that a few had topped 1,000 views and informed me that it was ‘viral for old people’), but who knows? It took Diana Nyad 35 years from her first attempt to achieve her dream – and posting youTube videos is much less strenuous!
“Diana’s Song (You’re Never Too Old To Chase Your Dreams)”
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 10, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
There’s a story in my parents’ marriage. Long ago, before I was born, my mom once asked my Dad “Do I look fat in this?” He answered honestly. Once. So it begs the question- is talking about a woman’s weight (or a man’s for that matter) fair game in a relationship? We all know guys are very visual. And probably the #1 fear that most guys have (even though conventional wisdom says it’s “snakes”) is that their girlfriend, or wife, will get fat. Is this fair? Is this superficial? Is this misogynist? Maybe all three, but it is what it is. If he is stifled from talking about it, it only makes things worse.
I have been a dating coach for over 10 years, talking about women’s sex lives and dating lives and everything in between. You would think that I have dealt with the most personal topics you can imagine. But it wasn’t until this year, when I started dabbling in coaching on weight loss, that I really started to piss women off. Some actually quit just because I raised the topic. Is that fair? I don’t know. But I like to ask: “Do you want it to be fair or do you want to be happy?”
Let’s just say that you’re single and you’ve gained 10 lbs (which means 15 lbs in girl lbs.) Or that you are 10-15 lbs heavier than you’d like to be. What if I were to say that losing 15 lbs would dramatically increase the chance that you could get any guy that you want. Well, at least you could get to the 2nd date a lot better. Would you do it?
 On the flip side, maybe staying overweight is a way of ensuring that you won’t get what you want. Maybe the extra fat literally and figuratively keeps people further away. Maybe eating is a replacement for sex. Or for the vulnerability that you feel because you can’t control sex in the same way that you can control food.
Wait, this blog is getting too heavy- put it this way- doesn’t sex feel better when you’re skinny? Can you even have sex after a meal at Carmine’s? When you tell yourself “I want him to love me for me!,” is that just an excuse for being lazy?
Women’s commitment issues come out in the funniest ways. A guy who isn’t ready to settle down will generally just say “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Women will bury themselves in Ben & Jerry’s and wonder “Why doesn’t he call?” That’s still a commitment issue!
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Nancy Slotnick: Do I Look Fat in this Blog?
By Erica and Matt Chua, on Mon Sep 9, 2013 at 1:30 PM ET After spending nearly three years on the road, we look back on all that we put up with to save a dollar. Were all the long bus rides and sleeping at airports worth it to keep the expenses in check?
HE SAID…
You’ll never hear me claim that there is a better way to travel than budget travel. Getting as close to the locals’ spending as possible is the best way to understand how their life is…and isn’t that why to travel? Not only the experiences, but also the differences between experiences in different places are enlightening. Exposing yourself to where the locals eat, stay and play will teach you more about a place than a tour ever would.
If I wanted something easy and comfortable I’d try to have that at home, not in some distant land. Why would I put my money towards temporary comfort instead of investing in permanent comfort? At home I want the most comfortable things possible, but on the road I want the most locally authentic experiences possible.
This does create some problems though. It’s caused us to end up in some places where I was deathly allergic to things. It’s led us to some pretty dirty places. It’s made us terribly sick. The romantic idea of living like a local is much better than it is in reality.
Here is one great example. We thought we had scored a great deal on a place to stay in Seoul, in a student building, on AirBnB. The listing made it clear that it could sleep two, evenings were quiet times, and there was free rice. They had me at the price, but I fell in love with the idea of free rice. See the photo above? That’s how we slept for three nights. On the fourth day I ran into the building manager, the same person who had checked us in, and he asked how we were sleeping. I responded that we were doing fine. Then he asked the key question, “would you like another mattress?” Why yes we would! How had he failed to mention this earlier, such as when the two of us checked in?
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Erica and Matt Chua: Budget Travel Gripes
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