By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue May 28, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET “Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, But she ain’t messin’ with no broke n—s.” Kanye means this as a compliment. And it is. There’s a fine line between gold digger and assessing a guy’s ambition. Gold digger is very unattractive. But hanging out with a 37-year-old-broke-“entrepreneur”-who-won’t-buy-you-a-tea-on-the-first-date is plain masochistic. So where’s the line?
There’s an expression that goes like this: “Men treat women like sex objects, women treat men like success objects.” Any kind of objectification is wrong. Men are not meal tickets. Sometimes women claim they like to “get to know a guy slowly,” so they go out on 15 dates, let him pay every time, and there’s never even a make-out session. Guys- if you see this pattern- she is toying with you- run the other direction.
 The most exasperating part is that if you talk to these women, they really believe their own bs. They rationalize this behavior by being male bashers- i.e. “he has to prove himself to me” or “I’m trying to give him a chance” or “Maybe I like him, I just can’t tell yet— he shouldn’t need to rush me.” Yeah, I guess it will take 2 more dinners at Per Se to figure that out. Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger. Oh, yes, in this case I am.
On the flip side, there is a reason that women look for a man to take care of her financially. A man who is interested in marriage and children and wants to give to them will naturally think about planning for their financial future, even while he’s still single. The inverse is true too. If a man says he is ready for marriage and children yet his actions show no signs of being prepared for this endeavor financially whatsoever, then he probably has more baggage than he admits. Especially if he is over 35. This is not to say that he can’t be a teacher or an artist honing his craft, but he can still have a savings account, wait tables double shifts to support his lifestyle, have good credit and buy your tea.
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Nancy Slotnick: Gold Diggas
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue May 21, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET How POPS changed my life.
I am referring to Privately Owned Public Spaces, not those cupcakes on a stick that they sell at Starbucks. Those are just weird. Though they are only 170 calories and they’re darn cute. But I digress.
Public space changed my life the first time in ’99, when I met my husband on a street corner. Now it’s changing my business life—who knew that all one has to do is go out in public? I guess on some level I did.
As with most things in my crazy-sexy-cool life, I came upon the POPS serendipitously. [Disclaimer: Please note that my characterization of my life may be highly exaggerated given that I have an eight-year-old son, a pile of bills to pay, and an anxiety disorder. But at least on Tuesdays, I have a crazy-sexy-cool life.]
I was trying to find retail space in New York City for a potential Matchmaker Café site that would fit into my budget. My budget was a maximum of $0. A girl can dream. I came across the empty space in Lincoln Center, next to the Apple store, that used to be Ollie’s, and I noticed that it was empty and locked. I was walking down that block on a frigid winter Tuesday because it is the same block where my husband and I met on the street, incidentally. For those of you who believe in fate, this fact is significant.
I did a quick survey of the premises, knowing that the space had been a public space and having a gut feeling that it wasn’t supposed to be closed. I had no understanding of POPS or their legalities, but something seemed fishy. Thanks to the handy “Open to Public” POPS sign and to the magic of Google, I had the email address of Professor Jerold Kayden, within minutes. He literally wrote the book on the POPS. And within a few more minutes, he emailed me back!
So, short story long, we had a phone meeting and I was told that yes, it’s true, that POPS is not allowed to be closed. But no, in fact, I could not make a Matchmaker Café in that space for free, even if it is benefitting the public, because that would be commercialization of the space. I was crushed. But he invited me to his conference at Harvard to learn more about public space and its uses. It was a free conference. And my old stomping grounds. So I went. It was a crazy snow storm but I put on my Dickie’s coveralls that have a Matchmaker Café patch on them and I got on the train.
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Nancy Slotnick: How POPS Changed my Life
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue May 14, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
A lot of girls swear by the “thank you” text after a first date. (We’re assuming the guy pays- because he should. :-)) And most guys say that they like to get the thank you text. Or email. But whenever something’s done out of obligation it loses its power. I’m not denying the importance of thanking the guy. But look at the text above, and now imagine saying (or hearing it) it in your most sexy sultry voice while looking a guy straight in the eye, leaning in and showing a hint of cleavage at the same time? Now that’s a powerful move.
Timing is everything. My husband and I missed the first season of 24. We got introduced to it when Fox ran a marathon on Labor Day of 24 hours consecutively, just as they really happened when Jack Bauer was really there. It was so realistic. Well, not really. But the draw of watching it in real time was so powerful that we became instant addicts of the show for life. We couldn’t even bear to go to the gym that Labor Day (well, we did but they had TV’s there) or go to sleep because of what we were missing. It was never the same in future seasons of course but we were happy loyal fans most of the time. It was the timing that got us.
So too is dating. The momentum, the pace, the immediacy as well as the suspense (you can’t give it all up in the first episode) are all what make things exciting. That’s why you have to “leave it all on the field” on the first date. Don’t get complacent and think- I’ll just send the thank you email tomorrow and then I can show how I feel on the 2nd date. You might not get a 2nd date!
Speaking of 2nd date, a lot of the clients that I coach ask me what to do after the first date to make the second date happen. My answer to the girls is this: Nothing.
As I alluded to above, what you do to get the 2nd date always happens on the 1st date. You can’t try to strongarm it afterwards. It just doesn’t work. On the 1st date, be flirty, interesting and interested. Be on time; thank him if he pays. If he doesn’t pay, be very skeptical. (Unless you asked him out.) Always kiss on the 1st date if you like the guy. Don’t maul him; it should come from him but help him create an opportunity for it to happen. Then say good night sweetly and turn and walk away with a spring in your step. That’s what I mean by “leave it all on the field.”
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Nancy Slotnick: “thx 4 the drinks. I had a great time.”
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue May 7, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
If the friend of my enemy is my enemy, then is the friend of my date going to be my date? A lot of guys may want it that way. (and some girls too.) What about the Facebook friend of my date? Facebook doesn’t make it easy to keep your dating life on the down low. If you are Facebook friends with your date, then chances are she has her ways of finding out who else you are dating. And that’s a good thing in my book. If you are really trying to two-time your girlfriend with her best friend you should at least have the decency to be stealthy about it.
The public nature of Facebook also makes it complicated to use Facebook for dating. You want to use your social network to find dates, but you also don’t want everyone in your social network to know everything you’re doing.
So a lot of people try to keep their social life and their dating life separate. I have been a dating coach for over a decade. I teach singles how to expand their network to try to get more dates. And I have to say from my experience, on the prospect of keeping your social life and your dating life separate: “How stupid is that?” Sorry if that doesn’t sound very professional. But it gets me all riled up when I see inefficiency. Dating is an inefficient process anyway. Trying to keep your social network and your dating network separate is cutting off your nose to spite your face.
It’s been scientifically proven that your mate is highly likely to be within 2 degrees of separation from you. [I read this in Scientific American] One of the biggest complaints that I hear from singles is that it’s so hard to meet people. So you have to start with who you know and the easiest way to find them, i.e. Facebook.
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Nancy Slotnick: Facebook Frenemies
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Apr 23, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET It happens when you least expect it. That’s what they say anyway. But I was always expecting it. And it still happened for me. It didn’t happen how I expected it. I met my husband on the street. When I was single, I had opened a dating Café with the idea in mind that necessity is the mother of invention. I had imagined that the right guy would just walk through the doors one day. But it wasn’t happening. So I set out to look outside my Café and take matters into my own hands. I met my husband within 2 weeks of that. (you can read the whole story here)
But my story is not typical, I know. Many people swear by the “least expect it” story. Here’s one example from this week’s post on the Matchmaker Café fan page:
@Britta Alexander: It was for me! I finally gave up on finding the one, moved into a loft in Brooklyn, practiced my violin day and night, and my future husband was listening to me through the walls. Turns out he was the roommate on the other half of the shared loft. So there’s a strategy: just move around and live with complete strangers!
So I tried to analyze the common denominator of these seemingly contradictory philosophies and here’s what I conclude. It depends how you expect it. If you have too much negative attention on it (i.e. why isn’t happening?!? I have such bad luck with dating!! L) then it can’t happen. If you feel entitled to meeting someone but are not doing the work on yourself, it can’t happen. If you are so busy working that your Cablight is not on, (like I was) then it can’t happen.
On the other hand, if you are open and willing to make yourself vulnerable without putting expectations on how or when, then the universe will work hard to send it to you. If you become grounded in who you are and move towards the life that you want to have with a partner, it will happen faster. If you are really ready, you will just walk out your door and the One will be there. If you read Britta’s story carefully, you can see that she was willing to move somewhere new and live with complete strangers! That takes courage and confidence. And by practicing violin she was developing her core sense of herself. She was not shy about the world hearing her. And that is very powerful.
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Nancy Slotnick: When You Least Expect It
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Apr 9, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET I am pretty strong. I have been known to be impressive to my neighbor on the treadmill next to me and to the occasional trainer at Equinox. However, I suck at Pilates. My core is my kryptonite. My husband does Pilates religiously and I keep hoping that the osmosis will kick in, but no such luck. I keep striving nonetheless, because they say that core strength is what matters. And I find that to be true when it comes to the spirit as well.
Think about standing, with your core engaged, as someone tries to push you over. You feel the push but you can stay steady. If your core is not engaged, you might just fall right to the pavement- ouch. Now apply that metaphor (did you get yet that this is a metaphor?) to dating. You meet someone and have a few dates, only to be flat-out rejected. If you are strong in your spiritual core, you will jump right back onto the dating bandwagon and turn your Cablight on. If your soul’s six pack is only a two pack, then you may just seclude yourself with a box of Entenman’s and resolve never to date again. Pilates for your soul is what you need.
A client of mine coined the phrase of being “in the vortex.” I love that concept. It refers to that feeling when you’re aligned with the universe, everything is going your way and you can create any outcome you want. I felt that way when I met my husband. I’ve felt it at many points in my life. But what’s hard is to bring yourself back to that feeling when you’re off your game. When you wake up in the morning in a funk, on the “wrong side of the bed,” how do you get back into the vortex? Pilates for your soul.
This involves affirmations. And I know your thinking Stuart Smalley right now and you are getting skeptical. (That is if you are old enough to remember when SNL was really funny.) But affirmations do work. And the power of positive thinking can be very powerful. I have helped a lot of people find love and sometimes it just comes down to believing love is out there and remaining unwavering. Strong at your core. Pilates for your soul.
If you meet someone and you are all excited and you start to tell your friends and your mom and they start making you doubt yourself, do not waver. Strong at your core. Pilates for your soul. Don’t even tell people your dating stories (unless you’ve hired a professional like me.) People have the best of intentions but they will always have their own agenda, whether it’s conscious or otherwise. They will try to throw you off your game- they can’t help it- it’s a natural principle. So you have to be strong at your core. Have a picture of how your story ends and stick to it no matter what. Practice your pilates so that no one can throw you off your game. Do your spiritual crunches, in other words, your affirmations. Spend a few hours per week just thinking about what your life will be like when you have the relationship that you’ve always wanted. Picture every detail and then start searching. It won’t take long.
And if you start to falter, just channel Stuart and you can’t go wrong:
“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.”
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Nancy Slotnick: Pilates for Your Soul
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Apr 2, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
I’m going to make it official: communication is no longer linear. What do I mean by that? Linear communication is the tennis volley. You write a letter to a friend or lover. (Snail mail, anyone? I don’t think so.) You wait for a response. You email someone. They reply to your email. Your text bubbles are evenly matched and go back and forth in a relatively equal fashion.
What’s non-linear communication? Posting Happy Birthday on your friend’s Facebook wall and never expecting a reply. Texting someone multiple times because they never reply to your texts. (Not recommended in a dating context.) Needing to email someone a few times before they notice. Tweeting.
We have come to expect one directional communication. Is this human connection? Yes, it’s a form of it. Is it a good way to promote a cause, share breaking news or start a revolution? Totally. Is it a good way to make you feel totally popular on your birthday? Absolutely. Does it help you stay in touch with acquaintances and stay on their radar screen for party invites and the like? Yes! Is it healthy in the realm of dating and romantic relationships? Hell no. There’s the rub.
I am considered to be a dating expert (Well, Oprah called me one so that makes it so.) Yet I don’t have many hardfast rules in my arsenal. I’m not a Rules Girl in that way. But I have always had one rule in dating that is extremely useful:
“Don’t make two moves in a row.”
Useful until now, that is. The reason why it works is because you get to find out if the person is truly interested or not. The convention wisdom is that if they are interested, they will reply back. You can avoid a lot of wasted time this way. Rather than continually reaching out to someone who says they’re busy when what they are really trying to say is: “Not interested,” you just wait to see if they reply. Radio silence gives you your answer.
But these days it is pretty impossible to tell if someone just didn’t get the message. How many times do you get a little Facebook chat push notification on your phone and then it marks it as read before you even open it? And how many friends do you have that either never reply on Facebook, or only reply on Facebook, or will reply to a text but don’t read your email or vice versa? And then if you ever attempt to date someone 10 years your junior or your senior, you completely can’t synch up your communication methods?
In the words of Charlie Brown, “Argh!!” And speaking of Charlie Brown, it often feels like the people on the other end of all of my communication media are just like those grown-ups on the Peanuts: “wah-wah-wahwah-waaah!” I want to crawl under a rock. But that doesn’t play well in dating either. So what to do?
Always stay confident and think positive about the other person, whilst trying to keep the conversation as linear as possible. Notice what’s you and what’s them. (In other words- “Are your text bubbles HUGE and they reply: “K.”? But never never make assumptions about why the person isn’t responding in the way you’d like. You can have hunches, and certainly don’t hold off all your other plans while waiting for a reply, but don’t give in to getting paranoid.
I had some business dealings recently with a company that I found online. They make patches that iron onto uniforms and T-shirts. I couldn’t find a phone number on the website so I emailed them to ask if we could talk by phone for them to answer some questions for me. It seemed so much easier for me to deal with it by phone. But the very nice guy on the other end of email kept answering each question I had quite promptly. He never answered my question about speaking by phone. I resisted the urge to be annoyed with the fact that I couldn’t talk to him by phone and we got the deal done.
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Nancy Slotnick: Are you there, Buddy? It’s me, Margaret.
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Mar 26, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”— Dr. Seuss
My sister invited me to her first annual Dr. Seuss-themed Passover Seder. “I hope you’re serving Green Eggs, no Ham,” I quipped. But I was so excited for her! The idea is so fun and original and so antithetical to the Passover seders of our youth, that it is a demonstration of freedom in her life. Which seems fitting for the theme of the holiday. Freedom from slavery, escaping to a new world, doing stuff that makes us feel like we’re going to get in trouble, but getting away with it. I feel like Thing One and Thing Two.
“One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. Two can be as bad as one. It’s the loneliest number since the number one.” -–Three Dog Night
In my role as a dating coach, I’m helping single clients shoot for two. I have to convince them that two is better than one when most of them have experienced the above. I say in my marketing materials that I will help you to find “the One.” I should stop saying that, because it’s a misnomer. To say that you are looking to find “the One” makes the other person too important. I should say; “I will help you to find your Two.” You are your own Number One.
The song repeats though—“One is the loneliest number, one is the loneliest number, one is the loneliest number” just to make sure we remember. As bad as two can be, it’s better than one. I’ve been married for 11 years and my personal goal for freedom this Passover is to find the One within the Two. What does that mean to me? It means finding your own voice even in the face of someone you love, who disagrees with you. And in-so-doing, you make your relationship work better. It’s ironic. It sometimes feels like you have to get rid of the other person, like Moses with Pharoah. We want to get someone else’s permission to “Let my people go.” But all we need to do really is get out of our own way.
“No is the saddest experience you’ll ever know,” Three Dog’s song continues. It’s so true. I stopped saying No to myself. My husband and I saw the film “No” last week. It’s a true story about when an advertising campaign in Chile in the ‘80s had the opportunity to overthrow the prevailing dictatorship. They just had to get a majority to vote “No.” Which might not be hard if they could get a majority to vote at all. No one was going to bother to vote because they could not even imagine the life that could be possible with freedom. One of the most brilliant part of the campaign was that they added a + to the No and made it No+ or No Mas. No Mas Pinochet. No Mas Pharoah. No Mas oppression. Let our People Go.
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Nancy Slotnick: A Suess Seder
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Mar 5, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET  Today I ordered my new drink at my new favorite coffee bar- Irving Farm. I keep wanting to call it Irving Farms, but that’s not the name. I discovered a few weeks ago that my drink is called a cortado. Thank G-d. I could never decide if I should order a wet macchiato or a dry cappuccino and I felt really stupid either way. Remember the old comic strip Family Circus? (I am dating myself now, and not in a good way.) There was one where the family was at a restaurant and the little girl asked her parents: “I want to get a burger and fries, but do I have to order the Little Miss Muffet?” That’s how I feel about contrived names.
Now when I order my coffee, I sound like a coffee snob. But that is appropriate, since I used to own a coffee bar. I usually get a wink from the barista and some beautiful latte art on my drink, as a nod to the coffee culture that we share. Or I just get a blank stare and an improvised macchiato (when I go to Indie in Lincoln Center.) Either way, there’s some comfort in finally discovering what I have been seeking.
On the opening day of my coffee bar, (that incidentally had a dating service for our customers,) May 29, 1996, it got a mention in Florence Fabricant’s column in the New York Times. She said that it takes a gutsy person to name a place Drip. That gutsy person was me!
The other day when I showed my business plan to a potential investor, who is also a creative type, he said: “The name is not very original, but I like the concept.” Actually, he wrote that in an email that was meant for his business partner and not for me to see. But in the flurry of the magic of Forwarding email trails, I got to find out what he really thinks. And I was totally proud. One of the problems with the name Drip was that people couldn’t figure out what the hell it was or what it meant. Doctors thought it was some twisted intravenous reference. It didn’t meet the Katie Couric 30-second test, but we were on the Today Show multiple times nonetheless.
So this time around I am trying to give my brand a name that explains what it is. There is so much marketing hype in today’s media world and so many ridiculously huge brands to compete with, that I try to keep it simple.
There’s just one thing. Matchmaker Café is an online dating site that sets up real dates in the real world through a real human. But we don’t have our own real café. Call me Miss Nomer. At least for now. But I have come to realize that the “Café” part of “Matchmaker Café” is actually my value added. In ’96 there was no online dating. There was no social media. There was just old-fashioned Café. And that worked.
So I am taking my show on the road. Looking for whatever homes will have my little café kiosk of love. Cafés, bars, retail stores, wineries, public plazas, Whole Foods? Just like Lucy from the Peanuts, I will be setting up shop to give out advice and to foster human connection in a new world where technology can be isolating.
I’m putting the Café back in Matchmaker Café. What’s the main reason? I’m lonely! I have a wonderful husband and son, and I spread love one client at a time right now. But I miss the serendipity of being “out there” where anything can happen. And I want to spread that magic to you.
So watch for me. Follow @MatchmakerCafe on Twitter and Like me on Facebook, and you will find out where I will be next. I could be coming to a neighborhood near you. If I do it right then a Café by any other name will smell as sweet. I hope as sweet as the Rice Krispy treats that we used to sell at Drip!
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Feb 19, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Be yours.
Happy Valentine’s Day are the three most unwelcome words to most singles. And to a lot of married people too. It’s not that I don’t like love. I’m in the love business. I am a hopeless romantic. I am happily married. But I secretly hate Valentine’s Day. Please don’t tell my husband, or he’ll stop getting me the obligatory card and flowers. I would be embarrassed not to get them, even though I hate Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, he doesn’t read my blog. 😉
Guys- let me tell you this- even if a girl hates Valentine’s Day, even if she seems like the biggest tomboy in the world, even if she is the most independent career girl you have ever met, she will silently turn to the mush inside the Cadbury chocolate egg on Valentine’s Day. (i.e. a sweet mess. If she happens to be a hot mess too, then you’ve got a keeper.)
It’s so much pressure. I know, that’s why I don’t like it. It’s especially unfair to guys. They can’t win and they have to be emotional on cue. Actually, they can win. If they propose on Valentine’s Day. Another word to guys- if you are anywhere close to engagement (which could even include being on a second date) the thought will cross her mind. We can’t help it; it must be the estrogen. Which is probably offset by the seratonin in the chocolate, so that explains the Godiva Diva Empire.
Here’s one more tip guys- you actually can win another way- buy lingerie for Valentine’s Day. This will show her that you still think of her in that way and it might help you get laid for Valentine’s Day. So I recommend that more than chocolate or flowers. However, if the thought of your wife/girlfriend in a Victoria’s Secret teddy makes you want to cringe because of the “freshman 20” she’s gained in the face of your relationship gone stale, I can’t help you. Well, not with a quick tip. There’s ways to approach this but not on Valentine’s Day. Contact me for coaching and we’ll tawk….
Did I mention that I hate Valentine’s Day? Maybe that’s why this blog is turning so sour right now. I think I’m being cruel and cynical. That’s not like me at all. Here’s the story of how I met my husband, as told by the New York Times, on July 1, 2001, our wedding day. I really am a hopeless romantic- believe me.
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Nancy Slotnick: Valentine’s Day Revisited
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The most exasperating part is that if you talk to these women, they really believe their own bs. They rationalize this behavior by being male bashers- i.e. “he has to prove himself to me” or “I’m trying to give him a chance” or “Maybe I like him, I just can’t tell yet— he shouldn’t need to rush me.” Yeah, I guess it will take 2 more dinners at Per Se to figure that out. Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger. Oh, yes, in this case I am.
