Nancy Slotnick: “thx 4 the drinks. I had a great time.”

A lot of girls swear by the “thank you” text after a first date. (We’re assuming the guy pays- because he should. :-)) And most guys say that they like to get the thank you text. Or email.  But whenever something’s done out of obligation it loses its power. I’m not denying the importance of thanking the guy. But look at the text above, and now imagine saying (or hearing it) it in your most sexy sultry voice while looking a guy straight in the eye, leaning in and showing a hint of cleavage at the same time? Now that’s a powerful move.

Timing is everything. My husband and I missed the first season of 24. We got introduced to it when Fox ran a marathon on Labor Day of 24 hours consecutively, just as they really happened when Jack Bauer was really there. It was so realistic. Well, not really. But the draw of watching it in real time was so powerful that we became instant addicts of the show for life. We couldn’t even bear to go to the gym that Labor Day (well, we did but they had TV’s there) or go to sleep because of what we were missing. It was never the same in future seasons of course but we were happy loyal fans most of the time. It was the timing that got us.

So too is dating. The momentum, the pace, the immediacy as well as the suspense (you can’t give it all up in the first episode) are all what make things exciting. That’s why you have to “leave it all on the field” on the first date. Don’t get complacent and think- I’ll just send the thank you email tomorrow and then I can show how I feel on the 2^nd date. You might not get a 2^nd date!

Speaking of 2^nd date, a lot of the clients that I coach ask me what to do after the first date to make the second date happen. My answer to the girls is this: Nothing.

As I alluded to above, what you do to get the 2^nd date always happens on the 1^st date. You can’t try to strongarm it afterwards. It just doesn’t work. On the 1^st date, be flirty, interesting and interested. Be on time; thank him if he pays. If he doesn’t pay, be very skeptical. (Unless you asked him out.) Always kiss on the 1^st date if you like the guy. Don’t maul him; it should come from him but help him create an opportunity for it to happen. Then say good night sweetly and turn and walk away with a spring in your step. That’s what I mean by “leave it all on the field.”

After the first date it’s the guy’s move. Men communicate the truth with their actions, not their words. So waiting for his move is the only way you can find out where you stand.

What he does next will speak volumes. If he calls the next day and asks you out, you have a winner. Even if he texts the next day and asks you out, you’re golden in this day and age. (see my previous blog entry.) If it’s radio silence for a week, you have your answer, unfortunately. That’s the best way to figure out what’s happening- leave the ball in his court. You could reach out to him during that time, and it may even lead to a date, but it will take much longer to find out if he’s really that into you. Wait a week and even though the sting of rejection will be tough, you’ll do yourself a favor in the long run. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

And what about if the guy texts you just to say hi but he doesn’t ask you out? He may be testing the waters with you because he’s not sure if you’re interested. Maybe you didn’t leave it all on the field after all. If that’s the case, you have to hit the ball back hard. Say something that indicates you had a uniquely good time. Like “I was hoping I would hear from you” or “I was just thinking of you.” But don’t fall for the trap of leaving the ball in your own court. And definitely don’t take over the process. He still wants to be the man. You have to let him, nay, challenge him to do that. So reply to that text however you will but then wait it out. He will respect you for it, and he will want you more.

And p.s.- if you wait it out for a week, your reward from me (a dubious reward with a dubious first prize) is that you get one hail mary. After it’s very clear to both of you that he’s dropped the ball (this may even involve waiting two weeks), you can reach out. So if it’s really true that he lost his phone with your number in it (hello facebook?) then you can give things another chance.  But I won’t be betting on it.  And if you’re a member of Matchmaker Café you should be asking for a new Set Up by then.  🙂