By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Dec 6, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack. I don’t care if I never get back.
The immortal words of the time honored “7th Inning Stretch” –a moment of pause to stretch, relax, refocus and retool for the final two innings of the game.
And it’s for the fans more than the players.
So….I propose the healthful benefits of the few minute long 7th Inning Stretch be extended to Corporate America.
Of course, we’ll need a catchy tune with easy to remember lyrics. But I’ve already thought about that. Every weekday at 3:15 I propose everyone in every business organization, profit and non-profit, be encouraged to stand, stretch, peel away that glaze over their eyes as they get ready to bring the day home. And the anthem should be “Boogie Nights” by Heatwave.
This could work. And insurance companies can even sponsor personal service announcements encouraging participation.
I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t like the song “Boogie Nights,” and knows the words, and feels a little bit more hopeful and energized after hearing?
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 5, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
“Oh my gosh. That is such a heterosexual thing to say.”
No one has said that to me yet. But I think one day it will be commonplace phrase in our culture if we heteros don’t get it together. And quickly.
I just walked out of a coffee shop where four well groomed, physically fit , articulate and nice looking men were sitting having a serious and substantive discussion. And I was envious. I thought to myself, “Part of me is jealous and wishes I was one of them.” Not a practicing gay, of course…but just gay in the other ways that my sexual orientation seem to be falling so far behind.
Oh, you are probably thinking to yourself “John is stereotyping gays by ‘assuming’ this group of men are gay because of the way they look and talk.” No. Not really. Think about it for a minute. When was the last time you saw four well-groomed, physically fit, articulate, nice looking heterosexual men having a substantive conversation about anything?
Oh sure, we heteros were represented at the coffee shop, too, alright. Don’t worry about that. Two of us were spread out at a table bitching about politics and why they couldn’t catch a break, in work or in romance. I couldn’t hear specifics because I was only in line for a few minutes. But it appeared they had a lot of misfortunes to cover today because it looked like they had been there most of the morning. And had enjoyed breakfast and a follow up snack. Put it this way, if the average male waistline is 34- 36, my two hetero colleagues were doing their job of balancing out the 4 other men’s trim waistline in the coffee shop (with a little help from me, size 38).
I was so embarrassed I almost wanted to say, “Hey guys. At least fix your hair and speak in complete sentences. You’re giving us heterosexuals a bad name.” But, of course, I didn’t. My hair was unkempt too. And I was eating a cake pop with my coffee.
As I walked out I remembered kids when I was younger saying things like, “That’s such a ‘gay’ thing to say” and meaning it as a put down. Heck, I am sure I said it myself. But today, if someone said to me, “That is so gay of you, John.” Well, I think it would be about the nicest thing anybody said to me all day.
And I wouldn’t even correct the person offering the compliment by telling them I was really heterosexual. I would just let them think I would not be out of place in a group like the one I saw today at the coffee shop –and most everywhere else for that matter.
And that’s when I worried about the next step after that. When someone accuses me of sounding hetero for the first time, and meaning it as a put down making the point that I am overweight, lazy and unimaginative or have no taste in clothes or don’t understand movies. As in, “That is such a heterosexual thing to say.” It could happen. And these days, when we heteros can’t seem to stay fit, keep married, stop complaining or come up with anything interesting to say outside of rattling off some sports scores, asking if there will be a Porkies III, and deciding when the next game of fantasy baseball will be, well, them are darn near fighting words, if you ask me.
And the worst part is, we heteros aren’t even very tough any more. I’m afraid we’d lack the energy to even fight back or have the cleverness to come up with an adequate “retort.”
The more I thought about it the more I thought of this video clip, imagining what our retort to the hetero put down might look like.
Then again, uhhhh, well, that’s just my opinion, man.
When you think of incongruities, Jews plus country music is right up there with pickles & ice cream or Paris Hilton & Wallace Shawn – a pair that just don’t seem right together. (Although there is one colorful exception, Kinky Friedman, who fronts a band known as The Texas Jewboys and who came in 4th in the 2006 Texas gubernatorial race, and who inspires me with his mix of politics and comedic music.) (Not that I’m considering running for governor in the near future!)
The lack of Jews in country music is actually surprising – Jewish songwriters are responsible for many of our classic Christmas songs, and given country music’s tradition of chronicling pain and suffering, it would seem to be a perfect fit. I like to say I’m from in the south – southern California, to be precise, but growing up in Orange County (where there were even fewer Jews than Democrats) did make me feel as much of an outsider as many country singers lament. But I hadn’t really made the connection until I heard Peter Sagal, the host of “Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me” on NPR, crack a joke about an upcoming appearance in Nashville. Suddenly it seemed like a match made in heaven (and now I feel like Melanie Griffith’s character in “Working Girl,” in that climactic elevator scene where she explains to Mr. Trask how she connected his company to radio, or something along those lines).
Chanukah/Hanukkah/etc (choose your favorite spelling) is really the ultimate country holiday – muscular heros, old fashioned candles, and fried food, so this week’s video is what may be the first country Chanukah song – enjoy!
(And remember, there are only 4 shopping days left til the first night of Chanukah, but copies of my Chanukah comedy CD, “Latkes, Shmatkes,” are available on iTunes, at amazon.com, and at www.laurenmayer.com!)
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Dec 4, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Polygamy vs Monogamy.
An ordinary married couple discusses the pros and cons. And realities.
I love laughing with my wife about about bizarre speculative situations….Like just now. My wife and I are talking about Muslim culture, women’s roles, and polygamy. Rebecca asked if I would practice polygamy if I had been born into Muslim culture. And smiled anticipating my answer….Kind of put me on the spot… a little bit.
I said, “Look honey, you know me. I’m not…..I’m not really the martyr type. I wouldn’t want to marry other women, of course. But would do it to, you know, so people wouldn’t talk bad about you. Because, like, if I was the only monogamist in a polygamist culture people start talking and assuming things about me and, you know, maybe think you were the cause. I could never allow that perception of you to happen and so would marry other women just to preserve your reputation in the community. Again, not that I’d want to. You know, When in Rome….”
We were both laughing hysterically at this riff….and then it was Rebecca’s turn.
“You’d be an awful polygamist. You know how I get upset when you are late or or don’t give me your full attention when talking sometimes? Or if you text me instead of call me? Well, multiply that 5 times! Those 5 wives would be so angry and fed up with you.
“Where is he?” “Are you kidding?” “He’s a mess.” “We know he’ll never take the garbage out.”
“They would be talking about you all the time and you’d be miserable. And begging for a monogamous relationships. ”
Laughing even harder….as I have to completely agree. I’d be a dismal polygamist.
It’s good to laugh with your spouse. And I’m grateful to live in a monogamous culture. And to have a mate who keeps me always on my toes…and laughs with me (as often as at me).
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Dec 3, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Idiot proofing and the decline of Microsoft?
In my old job when we were about to introduce a new online service to the public, it had to pass one final test (after all the technical specifications were met). It had to be what I called, “Idiot Proof.”
And we had one simple test for whether or not something passed the critical “Idiot Proof” test.
I had to be able to figure it out how to use it quickly and easily (intuitively) without reading the directions.
My rationale was that I’m a pretty ordinary consumer and, like many (maybe most) consumers, I have a short attention span and short frustration-tolerance level (before giving up and moving to the next product). And– this is key–I don’t ever read directions first.
So….if I could figure out quickly how to use a new service successfully —it was ready to “Go live.” (And I remember literally sitting with my tech team trying out something new. For them it was probably like watching a child tinker with a new toy. But it was a good threshold test then…and I still think it still is today.)
Which brings me to Microsoft Windows 8. I am now into week 4 (or maybe its week 7 or 8), and I still don’t know what it is that has improved from the previous Windows version. It is not “Idiot Proof” It is not —to me anyway–intuitive. It is confusing and cute and clever and hip-looking but for all the wrong reasons. Namely, because Microsoft wanted it to look cute and clever and hip-looking to cover up any real substantive improvements. And that is —after 4 weeks (or maybe 7 or 8 weeks) confusing. Not to mention disappointing and frustrating.
At least that’s one Idiot’s opinion. But an Idiot who has been a loyal Microsoft user for many years.
Maybe Microsoft is trying too hard to be like Apple (but without seeming like it’s trying to be like Apple). And that doesn’t work. Remember when Al Gore kept trying to reinvent himself in the 2000 presidential campaign? He wasn’t an Apple. He was a PC. Bill Clinton was an Apple using open source code on a wireless and virtual mini tablet. Al would have been much better off just being good ole trusty un-cool and un-hip but smart and reliable dorky Al.
Al was a first rate Al Gore but a 3rd rate Bill Clinton wanna-be.
Some people just can’t dress up in the latest cool fashions and pull it off.
Some companies can’t ever be dressed up like the cool kid either.
But remember, for the cool kid to be the cool kid, there has to be a lot of ordinary (PC students) who begrudgingly admire and aspire to be him/her. The PC kids, so to speak.
But from a market share standpoint, cool kids only make up about 3-5% of the market share. Which means the PC kids make up 95% of the student market. And that’s a much bigger (albeit different) market to sell to. Unless you forget who you are —and who they are (your customer base).
What point am I trying to make with all the gobbledygook rigamarole? I think it is this.
Microsoft can either be a first rate Microsoft or it can keep trying to be a third rate Apple poser.
Microsoft needs to embrace its ordinariness. The world actually needs more ordinariness to function successfully that it does coolness. A lot more. And embrace it before they embarrass themselves. Windows 8 reminds me of the prolonged kiss with Tipper Gore at the convention to demonstrate Al was a passionate, hip and cool guy. (Note: Al and Tipper are split today).
If Microsoft doesn’t learn that lesson soon the entire company may start looking like the Zune. On eBay. Because who wants the Zune when you can have an iPod.
And what the heck is Microsoft doing pretending to be like Apple anyway? They are Microsoft for goodness sakes!
That was a good question a few years ago during the Zune debacle. And it’s an even more pertinent question today.
And it doesn’t take an idiot to see the source code writing on the wall, so to speak.
But I thought I’d offer one idiot’s opinion anyway.
By Krystal Ball, on Fri Nov 30, 2012 at 1:30 PM ET
Krystal Ball’s rant this week from MSNBC’s “The Cycle”:
Krystal’s daughter Ella
Just listen to that good old-fashioned common sense. You know, really breaks our government problems down for the common man in that classically patronizing yet wholly inaccurate way that politicians seem to excel at. There are a lot of lame talking points out there, but this one probably drives me the most nuts. And while I mostly hear it from Republicans, far too many of my own have fallen for its folksy kitchen table appeal. Here’s the problem.
First off, how much like the federal government is your household really? Granted, things may be a bit different in your home than mine but we haven’t had a whole lot a luck getting anyone to accept our family currency. And the international markets? They’ve turned their nose up at buying our bonds. When we have borrowed money, it sure wasn’t at 1.5% like US Treasuries. I will say, sometimes our neighbors do get a bit out of hand but I think a drone strike might be a bit over the top. In fairness, my daughter did attempt a Mitch McConnell style filibuster but it didn’t really work out for her.
And actually, even if you did pretend that your household worked exactly like the largest most complex government in the world, the analogy still doesn’t make any sense! You may not have noticed but our families buy things on credit all the time. Especially at this time of year. Plenty of families take on long term debt for things like, I don’t know, a house? Or an education? In other words, investments for the future. Hey! That does actually sound like something the federal government should do. Businesses borrow too! So don’t give me this nonsense about how for families and business owners the revenues and expenses have to add up every year. They don’t. My family and many others have yet to pass a balanced budget amendment.
Finally, come on y’all. Have a little bit of creativity!!! I know you’re trying to break things down in a way that regular folk can relate to, I get it. But every time I hear a politician or pundit use this tired hokey worn-out analogy it’s like they think they’re the one who birthed this brilliant thing. Certainly everyone will be won over by their winning wit and creativity. Guys. The gig’s up. We’ve heard this patronizing, illogical, trope about 1 million times. I’m begging you. Please stop. Time to come up with some new material. Or better yet, actually have enough respect and faith in the American people that we can wrap our little minds around the big problems facing the country. Trust me. If y’all can understand it, we can too.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Nov 30, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
The truth about attorneys.
Lawyers aren’t always as smart as they want you to think they are.
(Email exchange today with my law firm doing a conflict check for a potential new client.)
Me: No conflict….
Partner: John, Why the ellipsis?
Me: Smart people use ellipses and I never knew why. I thought it would make me look smart if I used one during the conflict check after “No.” So, that’s why I used the ellipsis.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Nov 29, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Every month I have dinner with a wonderful group of guys. We usually each pay for our own dinner but every few months someone feels a call to pick up the ticket for everyone. I felt the call about three months ago but didn’t pick up the check at the time but did announce to the group I would be doing so sometime in the near future .
Tonight was to be that night.
Sort of, anyway.
As we were finishing dinner, I furtively slipped by the cashier and asked how much our table’s dinner would be because I “may” be picking up the check. The cashier pointed to a much higher figure than I had imagined and explained that a 15 % gratuity was automatically added since there were over 7 of us. I told her I would not be picking up the check this time after all but maybe would buy dessert for the table.
The dessert menu was described to the table and no one ordered anything.
Hmmmm. Now what ?
And like a brilliant thunderbolt crashing through my brain, I suddenly had an ingenious and novel idea!
I went back to the cashier and said, “Look, how about I pay for 25% of the bill? Can you work that out for me?”
The cashier politely said it shouldn’t be a problem but added that no one had ever made that request before. “How would that work ? ” she asked.
“Well,” I said, “Just take 25% off the top and charge everyone else only 75% of their meal.” I looked at her incredulously like this is something that is requested all the time in large groups where the big shot is also fiscally prudent.
A few minutes later she came by the time and whispered in my ear, “Does that 25% off the top include the tip?”
“Yes,” I said. “Look, just charge me one-quarter of the total price and divide up the remainder evenly–including the tip.”
At this point the person next to me said , “Just give me the check. I’ll cover it.”
I insisted I pay 25% and a small big shot verbal scuffle over the bill ensued. “Oh, are you serious about getting 25% of the tab? I thought you were joking.”
“I am completely serious,” I exclaimed, hoping someone else at the table would notice. “Why don’t you pick up the remainder, whatever that is, like….oh, 75%?” And he did.
I announced to the table that although I wasn’t picking up the entire tab (because it was too expensive) that I I was covering 25% –which was worth noting. And added that I was glad one person who was supposed to attend had cancelled. “That’s 25% of one meal I didn’t have to cover.” I then added I would be picking up 10% of a meal this summer and up to 20% of a meal in the fall so that I would incrementally pick up 100% of one of our group dinners…but was going to stretch it out over an 18 month period of time.
But as we shook hands and said goodbye until next month’s dinner everyone was thanking my friend for dinner and not giving me an honorable mention but instead a quizzical or bemused look when I explained again how we had divided things up.
Finally, with the last friend to say goodnight I simplified it by explaining the situation more concretely. “You know those au gratin potatoes you had tonight? Well, I paid for them. The entree, drink, and salad was picked up by someone else. So just thank me for the au gratin potatoes.”
And that was that. I spent more than I had planned to appear to be a big shot and looked cheaper than ever.
But learned a valuable lesson. When trying to impress by offering to pay for dinner it never works to try to do it a la carte. It’s an all or nothing proposition. Like most things in life.
In 2005, after reading yet another inspiring book by Deepak Chopra, I gave myself a birthday present and attended my first Chopra Center weeklong class called, SynchroDestiny.
The title still excites me and I can tell you that it was fantastic. Dr. Deepak is a terrific presenter with a peaceful, engaging presence, and when he signed my book he was warm and present. At our farewell dinner we chatted about a mutual acquaintance and I felt, and do still, that he is swell guy and one of the most influential leaders of mind-body medicine in our modern world today.
It was at this Chopra Center class that I was introduced to meditation for the first time, and it was there that I thought meditation was baloney the first time, the second time, the third, and twice a day for the entire week.
I really did want the promised health benefits of optimum blood pressure, deeper mental and emotional stability, and a state of “restful awareness” that would ensure a stressless existence, but my struggle to sit still in silence seemed to indicate I was wasting my time. I could NOT calm my mind, I could not focus, I could not enjoy it and I certainly did not see a future in meditation for myself.
As you gain experience with meditation, you’ll begin to feel the reappearance of youthful energy and vitality that is being released from the deeper level of the nervous system. This is a very profound change and the real fountain of youth.
Perfect Health: The Complete Mind Body Guide, Deepak Chopra, M. D.
But I persevered along with the other 50 or so attendees because it was part of the deal and because I had paid for the entire Chopra Center experience with my birthday savings. And because I was loving the rest of the SynchroDestiny intensive.
So I returned home and went about life as usual and felt pretty good. For me, there’s nothing like a vacation that includes learning, great food, AND massage. And because I hate to give up before the promised results, I continued to try to meditate daily despite feeling I was getting nowhere.
And then something happened two weeks later, the day my handyman Elvis, worked in my attic.
CRAAAAAAAAASH! I looked up from my computer to see Elvis’s feet dangling through a hole in my second story hallway ceiling as huge pieces of paint and dry wall and ceiling continued to break off to expose his entire lower body.
I should add here that because we have vaulted ceilings from the living-room up, the distance to the closest floor is 40 feet.
Yes, a man was falling and holding on for his life, in my home, no joke. And he was screaming, and kicking his legs around in panic, just the way it looks in movies. The fear was palpable.
But I felt completely and genuinely calm, “Hey Elvis, don’t worry, you’ll be ok—just hoist yourself back up slowly and come on downstairs—I’ll make you some tea.”
What? Who was this strangely calm and reassuring being that had taken over my senses, my spirit, my own vocal chords?
Read the rest of… Lisa Miller: Adventures and Fun with Deepak Chopra & My Handy Man Elvis
By Lauren Mayer, on Tue Nov 27, 2012 at 1:30 PM ET
There will probably never be a shortage of inspiring antics in the political arena, between the fiscal cliff and assorted sex scandals. But for the next few weeks I’ll be tackling the subject of interfaith acceptance, inspired by our host’s No Labels approach to bipartisanship, and illustrating the challenges of being in a religious minority.
Even if you’re not Jewish (or a member of another religion that doesn’t celebrate Christmas), you may be a little bothered by the fact that we’re already surrounded by Christmas decorations, signs and music, plenty of it before Thanksgiving.
So try to put yourself in our shoes – and since it’s probably impossible to imagine being surrounded by tacky Chanukah decor, what about other times you might have felt like you were an isolated minority? Any liberals in red states, or conservatives in blue states, or vegetarians in a family of carnivores? I’ve had a few of those moments, like being the only girl on the math team in jr. high, or being the only actual female pianist in a gay bar (and constantly having to tell the guys that I wasn’t just in underdone drag). That sense of being different gets particularly strong during this time of year.
Please don’t get me wrong – I think Christmas is a beautiful holiday, and as an entertainer I’m extremely grateful for the extra work (as well as the infinitely superior music – I’d hate to do a gig playing 3 hours of Chanukah music!) But just try to remember that not everyone celebrates it, and even a totally secular ‘Merry Christmas’ still is etymologically derived from the religious basis of the holiday, so if you can occasionally wish your jewish friends “Happy Holidays” instead, they’ll appreciate it.
In this spirt of interfaith bipartisanship, I’ve enlisted some friends & relatives to create our own version of those ’80s ‘videos-for-a-cause’, “Don’t They Know (Not Everyone Does Christmas).”
Note: While I am unfortunately not able to use this space to plug my upcoming appearance on The Daily Show (since they haven’t invited me on yet), I can let readers know that the song is from my album, “Latkes Shmatkes – Comedy Songs for Chanukah and Beyond”, available at this link, and on iTunes, Amazon, CDBaby, and Picklehead Music, among others. It’s a great gift for any of your friends who are Jewish, or who will be flattered by receiving something that implies you think they have a good sense of humor!
So….I propose the healthful benefits of the few minute long 7th Inning Stretch be extended to Corporate America.
