By Josh Bowen, on Thu Feb 20, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET When starting or continuing a fitness program, it is vital to know the “insider information” from the pros. The following is a satire, a joke and a ruse designed to make you laugh and or cry while evaluating your fitness knowledge. Be mindful that some of us believe in these principles. Proceed with caution.
1. The proper amount of protein intake each day
 All of them…duh.
2. Monday is International Chest-Day
Nothing is scheduled…nothing.
3. Posting your workout on Facebook.
You didn’t know? It scientifically proven.
4. Leg days are not to be skipped.
Its a must. And…
5. If you do squat, you must squat low
Not like this…
Commentary is worth it.
More like this…
6. Toning and muscle are the same thing.
7. This is what happens when you take too much pre-workout
Great hair.
8. Priorities, Priorities, Priorities
Get your behind to the gym!
9. You can’t out train a bad diet
10. This is not good gym behavior
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Feb 19, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET I propose a single day each year to celebrate Hallmark Card Day—-recognizing our former predilection to buy an over-sized schmaltzy card multiple times each year with a sentiment designed and written by other people that we claim to have ourselves and then give to someone else.
But not commemorate it with a Hallmark card. Just an electronic message we post.
Happy Hallmark Card Day!
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If you find you are looking down on someone right now, find someone instead to look up to.
And if you can’t think of anyone, just look up. It’s easier to find such a person that way than when looking down.
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It is hard coming to grips with the fact that you are an old dog with old tricks….and that learning any new tricks now really is a pain in the ass.
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 I am so mad at someone right now who has wronged me that I am thinking about talking behind their back!!
Oh wait! The person I am mad it is actually myself.
This is going to be awkward.
I am going to need a two-way mirror at a minimum
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Feb 19, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET When Shirley Temple Black passed away last week, it reminded us how important entertainment had been to American during the Depression. It’s easy to mock statements about that impact – “Gosh, I have no job, no food, and I’m about to get evicted from my tenement, but I don’t care as long as I can watch a curly-haired moppet sing & dance!” – but good songwriting does have the power to connect with our emotions. (Which are not always positive – after my boyfriend dumped me on my 22nd birthday, I wrote a country revenge ballad titled “You Broke My Heart, So Now I Want To Break Your Legs” . . . but I digress.)
There does seem to be a correlation between economic woes and music. The Depression was the heyday of big silly musicals, but it also led to classic songs like “Brother Can You Spare A Dime,” and even the dippy cheerfulness of “We’re In The Money” starts with an incredibly ironic celebration of finding – gasp – a quarter! During the uproar of the 60s, the folk revival turned to protest songs (as embodied by Pete Seeger, another recent loss to the music world). That was also the birth of tongue-in-cheek comedy, including The Smothers Brothers. (If you haven’t heard their rendition of “John Henry” or “Streets of Laredo,” you’re in for a treat!, thanks to youTube.)
So with partisanship and income inequality at all-time highs today, you’d think we’d see yet another form of hard-times-inspired entertainment. Of course, trends are hard to see from within, so it will be a few years before we know whether this era is defined by bubbly escapism (“Gangnam Style,” anyone?), innocuous boy bands like One Direction, or a series of revenge songs penned by Taylor Swift about her various celebrity breakups. However, in the meantime I’ll offer my own contribution to protest songs, 2014-style . . . “The $10.10 Blues.”
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Feb 18, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Entering week 7 of my diet/fitness plan.
Holding steady at loss of 13 lbs. Actually 12.6 lbs. But we round up here in KY.
Workout I would describe as like “Across Fit” –something you might find opposite a “Cross Fit” workout. But it is happening.
Finally, still no steroids or other PEDs. Although I am taking one Garcinia Cambogia tablet each day. But still don’t know how to pronounce it.
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Diet tip for calorie counting.
Just knowing how many calories are in a serving of food is helpful but not enough to cause us to make the best dietary decisions.
I have found that multiplying the calories by a factor of 5 for foods I want to eat, and dividing calories by a factor of 5 in healthy foods I don’t want to eat, makes it more likely I will make better choices than just knowing the actual calories.
For example, a single pecan braid from Panera Bread has, according to my system, 2,350 calories (instead of 470)
And a serving of has just 6.2 calories (instead of 31)
So, do I eat the food choice with 2350 calories or 6.2 calories?
See how that works? Now it isn’t so obvious that the pecan braid is the better choice–and could really go either way.
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How to eat your way to good health –without changing what you eat.
Just leaving Japanese restaurant and have decided the Japanese, as a population, are thinner and healthier than Americans NOT because of their diet (fish, rice, etc) but rather because they have to try to eat with chopsticks instead of a fork, spoon and knife.
If I had to eat with chopsticks my whole life, I’d be at least 50 pounds lighter. You just plain old give up before you are halfway through any meal.
Chopsticks, not diet, is the key!!
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An ad I would like to see…
“Want to get in shape?
It’s really not all about the shoes.”
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET People watching from the parking lot of the Holiday Manor Starbucks reminds me of people watching from the parking lot of Ballard High School–35 years ago.
I think patrons of this Starbucks try harder to project a certain “image” –in a high school-esque way–than other Starbucks in town.
People watching from the parking lot of the Heine Bros on Frankfort Ave reminds me of people watching from the parking lot at Central High School –35 years ago.
I think the patrons of this Heine Bros try harder to project a certain “anti-image” —in a high school-esque way–than other Heine Bros in town.
And people watching from the parking lot of Panera Bread off Brownsboro road reminds me of where the parents of the kids from Ballard and Central would have gone for coffee after dropping their kids off at school in the morning—35 years ago–and is just creepy to even think about doing. But where I find myself going this morning.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
 Into week 5 of diet/fitness regime and down 13 lbs and 2″ in waist.
Without even holding in my stomach.
Very much.
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So what do you do when you are on a diet (and really committed to it) and are craving your favorite sandwich at Steak & Shake, a Frisco Melt, just as you are approaching a Steak & Shake restaurant?
And look up the calorie count and find out it has 1173 calories?
You suck it up. Feel the pain. And keep on driving.
And realize a piece of you just died.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Feb 12, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
At age 50 I am able, by and large, to order meals and shop like a “big boy” without always forgetting to add two or three additional items.
In fact, I always finish my orders with “And that will do it. Thank you.” to discourage any attempts to upsell me. But it never works. My full, well-considered and complete decision– made by a grown man–is ignored and always challenged as not well thought out and missing at least a side order of fries or the days special or a stick of chapstick at the checkout counter or an extra warranty in case what I am buying doesn’t work.
To combat this assault on my judgment, I am going to start ordering or bringing to the check out counter two or three extra items. After my order has been taken or charges rung up, and just at the moment I am about to be upsold, I am going to say, “You know, after some reflection, I don’t think I need the extra calories in those fries, please take that off my order.” Then after pausing add, “Tell you what, I really shouldn’t get that apple turnover either. It is unhealthy and they usually are cold anyway.” And keep going until the poor person at the register gives up on me for an upsell.
Same at retail stores. I will bring an extra two or three items to check out and then “down sell” myself. “You know, I won’t ever use these socks, let’s take that off my purchase, please.” And “Let me pass on the sun glasses, too. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess like most adults I just can’t competently shop for myself” –and then laugh self-deprecatingly while looking confused and helpless.
I want to adopt this practice until I am even for all the attempts to upsell me. Which will take me about 15 years. Actually, only about 13 years. Well, I am going to say just 10 years. Let’s actually just make it just 8 years.
And, no, I don’t need an 8 year warranty with that decision.
Get the idea?
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Feb 12, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET My father loved to give advice in pithy brief sound-bites, like “Neither a borrower or a lender be,” “If you break your leg, don’t come running to me,” and “Moderation in all things, including moderation.” One of our favorites was when he helped us do story problems in math, and we could count on him to say RTFQ (for “Read the F-ing Question”). And of course, he frequently admonished us to stick to the facts and refrain from exaggerating, particularly when it came to why we couldn’t help with the dishes (“I have 9 hours of homework!”) or what a fight was about (“she’s been bugging me for 3 days straight!”)
Adults are supposed to be role models for kids, so one would assume that grownups with a public platform would be very careful about exaggerating (particularly since the internet makes it way too easy to blow holes in tall tales). But in the latest media frenzy, another of my dad’s aphorisms would come in handy, which is the PT Barnum quote, “Nobody ever lost a dollar by underestimating the taste of the American public.” That’s right, Fox News has joined in the latest ludicrous attack on Girl Scouts.
In case you missed it, the Girl Scouts national office recently tweeted a link to an article about nominees for Woman Of The Year,” and the long list of accomplished women included Wendy Davis and Kathleen Sibelius. Conservative news-ish site Breitbart seized on the story, which prompted pro-life groups to erupt in outrage, leading Fox News ancor Megyn Kelly to convene a panel on why the Girl Scouts would endorse known abortionist Wendy Davis. Before you could say “Trefoil Shortbread,” conservative organizations had launched “Cookie-cott 2014,” a national boycott based on the idea that cookie sales would fund an evil agenda to turn every girl into a lesbian vegan homicidal atheist.
Okay, I’m exaggerating too – but just a little. (And exaggeration in the service of humor is at least more entertaining!) This tempest in a cookie-box has prompted some ridiculous accusations and hysterical over-reactions, which just make the boycotters look silly. Fortunately the backlash may even increase cookie sales – I know I’m buying a few extra boxes (although I don’t need much excuse – disclaimer, I was a Girl Scout for 5 years and have always struggled with my Thin Mints addiction!)
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Feb 11, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Find yourself in a hole? Then keep digging. Or flossing.
That is often my philosophy and never serves me well…but I keep doing it anyway.
Today I was trying to floss after lunch with a new dental floss, Oral-B. I didn’t floss for the last 35 years even though I would tell my dentist I was flossing “some” every time he would ask “Have you been flossing, John?” —but now I am flossing.
But this new Oral-B floss broke off between two of my teeth–and part of the floss actually got stuck between my two teeth. And then kept breaking every time I tried to “floss out the floss” that was now stuck between my teeth.
My first brilliant idea was to double-over the floss to fortify it. That seemed like it might work but after much careful and strenuous effort, the “doubled-over” floss broke, too, leaving yet a larger piece of dental floss now stuck between the same two teeth.
But I hadn’t finished digging yet.
Before I took up flossing with real dental floss, I found packets of sugar (or packets of a sugar substitute) worked well as a flossing mechanism. So I picked up a packet of Splenda nearby to try to wedge out the two pieces of dental floss now stuck between my teeth.
And now have two pieces of dental floss and a corner of a packet of Splenda stuck between my teeth.
I think I will fish out the piece of a Splenda packet and leave the floss for when I go to the dentist next time –and just wait patiently for him to ask me the inevitable “Have you been flossing, John?”
I’ll be ready! And won’t have to say a word.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Feb 10, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
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The Recovering Politician Bookstore
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All of them…duh.
