By Will Meyerhofer, on Wed Oct 15, 2014 at 1:30 PM ET It is remarkable how often I listen to clients worrying themselves sick over people who don’t even seem to like them.
The other day a woman complained she didn’t know how to handle a guy who’d treated her like something under his shoe. He didn’t call, didn’t pay attention to her life or any of the issues she was facing at work or with her family. He pretty much just talked, and cared, about himself.
But she couldn’t seem to get over him.
He called again, wanted to get together.
“Should I see him?” She asked me.
The answer was obvious. Every time she’d given in – and it had happened plenty – the same pattern played out. He was considerate and nice for a week or two, then went back to the same old routine of ignoring her needs and focusing entirely on himself.
I told her she needed greater wisdom than I could summon. She needed to listen to Barry Manilow.
You probably have some sort of opinion regarding the creative output of Barry Manilow – which is to say you probably either love his music or you hate it.
If you love it – really, really love it – then you’re a “fanilow,” a Barry Manilow super-fan.
A friend of mine visited Las Vegas last year with his two elderly aunts, and – mostly to humor them – went to see Barry Manilow play at one of the big resort hotels. He posted his response up on Facebook: “I’m a fanilow!”
He was wowed – like plenty of people who actually go to see this hard-working, talented performer who gives everything he’s got on stage.
Barry loves his fanilows. He thanks them, he signs their programs, he tells them again and again that he owes them everything, that they’re the reason he can keep on performing and doing what he loves. They love him – and he loves them right back.
On the other hand, I read an interview a few years back where the reporter got a bit snarky with Barry, hinting that his music was widely dismissed as camp, mere sugary trash. I don’t remember Barry’s precise words, but he said something like this: “I take my work very seriously, and if you aren’t going to treat it with respect, I’ll end this interview right now.”
He had a point, and he made it. Barry Manilow does what he loves, and there are many people who celebrate him for it. He doesn’t need the haters.
You can learn from Barry Manilow.
Find your fanilows – and hold them tight. Cherish them. Celebrate them as they celebrate you. Those are the people who deserve you in their lives.
The haters? The critics? The people who take you for granted or tear you down? Push them away.
There are plenty of people in this world. You can find some fanilows – starting with yourself. No one loves Barry’s music more than Barry – and that’s exactly how it should be.
Here’s a good ground rule for dating (I call it “the Manilow Rule”): Don’t even consider a relationship with anyone who isn’t a fanilow – your fanilow. If the other person isn’t excited – thrilled – ecstatic –jumping up and down with enthusiasm about a date with you, push him aside and find someone who is.
Be your own biggest fan – and start a fan club.
If you’re hoping he’ll call, he’s not a fanilow. A fan doesn’t leave you wondering – he lets you know you know he’s dying to see you. That’s the guy for you.
Does surrounding yourself with fanilows sound a bit dangerous? A bit too easy? Would it turn you into a self-satisfied egomaniac, unwilling to hear criticism?
It doesn’t have to. I’m sure Barry reads the critics, and he ponders their suggestions. He takes everything into consideration – then he makes his calls, his own decisions about his music and his performances.
You can have a suggestion box, too. And you can invite people to write down their suggestions and stick them in. And you can read them, and consider each and every one on its merits. If they have a problem with you, they can say so, and you’ll listen.
But at the end of the day, you have to make your own calls. You decide who you want to be – your most authentic, best self.
Then you go out into the world, and sort through the haters – and the fanilows.
The haters you can listen to politely, and push aside.
But the fanilows are the ones who celebrate you, and make it possible for you to see what’s best in yourself.
Be good to the fanilows. Treat them like gold.
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Postscript:
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My new book is a comic novel about a psychotherapist who falls in love with a blue alien from outer space. I guarantee pure reading pleasure: Bad Therapist: A Romance.
Please also check out The People’s Therapist’s legendary best-seller about the sad state of the legal profession: Way-Worse-Than-Being-Dentist
My first book is an unusual (and useful) introduction to the concepts underlying psychotherapy: Life is a Brief Opportunity for Joy
(In addition to Amazon.com, my books are also available on bn.com and the Apple iBookstore.)
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Oct 15, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET It has become a disturbing trend lately for politicians to defer expressing an opinion by explaining that they aren’t an expert in whatever area is under discussion. (I’m old enough to remember when the most common use of this phrase was commercial actors saying, “I’m not a doctor – but I play one on TV!”) I’m not a scientist either, but I know enough to figure that when 97% of climate change studies attribute it directly to human activity, that’s a pretty good argument.
In fact, I’ve heard that phrase used so often lately that it has become an ‘earworm’ (a disturbingly evocative description of those songs or soundbites that get stuck in one’s head). So here’s my musical response to this over-used excuse . . .
By Erica and Matt Chua, on Tue Oct 14, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET Number one tour guide in Vietnam? Me. Being your own tour guide can save you money, but could present you with unexpected adventures such as needing a quick repair job. When we got to Mui Ne Beach I saw that the town was a straight line along the beach, a very long line. It was roughly 20km roundtrip to see Mui Ne and another 40km roundtrip to Phan Thiet. To tour both Mui Ne and Phan Thiet would be about $30 USD, but renting a motorcycle was $10. Quick math and motorcycle experience made it a clear choice, rent the bike.
I gave LOCAVORista the full Mui Ne tour and continued to Phan Thiet. I made it 3/4 of the way through the city tour and thought, “I hope this thing holds out, I am a long way from where we started.” Within 5 minutes I felt the rear end shimmy as the engine began to cut out. Immediately I made LOCAVORista get off the bike and asked, “Is it flat?” She laughed and responded, “Completely”.
I walked the bike over to the repair shop and they immediately started speaking to me in Vietnamese, because they, as everyone here, thinks that I am Vietnamese. Irregardless of what I may look like to them I had no clue what was going on. This clearly was a repair shop but they were saying no and pointing.
Read the rest of… Erica and Matt Chua: Motorcycle Maintenance in Vietnam
By Saul Kaplan, on Mon Oct 13, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET This is the second of a 10-article series of conversations published on the Time website, authored by myself and Nicha Ratana, with transformational leaders who will be storytellers at the BIF10 Collaborative Innovation Summit in Providence, RI.
Irwin Kula is an eighth-generation rabbi known for his fearless attitude about change — a rare quality among religious leaders who tend to adhere closely to tradition.
Kula, president of the National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership (CLAL) in New York and the author of Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life, has dedicated himself to opening up the wisdom of his 3,500-year-old faith to be in conversation with the world.
Kula preaches the “highest possible institutional barriers between church and state,” with the “lowest possible communication barriers.” He welcomes intermarriage and interfaith dialogue. He recognizes God not as a “Seeing Eye,” but in “experiences of love, caring, and connection.”
Many consider Kula progressive; others, disruptive. But Kula maintains that institutionalized disruption is essential to adaptation and growth.
Rabbi Kula looks like the wise man of children’s books. He has a handsome widow’s peak, and speaks with homiletic pauses and animated hands. When asked about how his beliefs developed, he answers in stories.
At 14, Kula was thrown out of the private parochial school he attended for challenging the Torah. “I would ask a class of 25 students questions which were probably a touch ‘teenagerish’,” he recalls. “I’d ask, ‘You don’t really believe this — God splitting seas? Come on, this is not what this is actually saying’.”
This rebellious streak would come to define his practice.
The problem with most religious leadership, Kula claims, is that its mission is to convert the non-affiliated. “Religion is not about creed, dogma, or tribe,” he counters. “We need to stop judging our success by membership dues — this isn’t about how many hits. First and foremost, religion is a toolbox designed to help human beings flourish.”
Kula claims that he finds himself often at odds with the concept of “God” as commonly invoked in the American public arena. To him, this is the God of touchdowns and wars, an intervening God who “casts out” unless one “buys in.” “No religious or political system has a hold on being moral,” Kula says. “Systems are only as good as their people.”
For most of his rabbinic appointment, Kula kept these views to himself. Only after the September 11 attacks did he begin to more openly preach what he himself practiced.
“I was very unnerved, knowing the religious impulse compelled that,” Kula says. After the tragedy, he shut down his teaching for three months to reevaluate his role as a spiritual leader. When he returned to the synagogue, he had made the decision “never to teach Judaism again simply to affirm the group’s identity.”
In 2013, Irwin Kula recounted the narrative of his spiritual conversion to a packed theatre of global business leaders at the Collaborative Innovation Summit, an event hosted annually by the nonprofit Business Innovation Factory (BIF) in Providence, RI. On stage, the rabbi made an ambitious appeal to his audience, whom he knew to be composed of astute tinkerers and serial entrepreneurs: He asked them to join him in his mission to innovate religion.
Kula is a fervent believer in accessing insight beyond the religious tradition. “It’s really important to speak to non-incumbents,” he maintains. “The less you speak exclusively to your own ‘users,’ the better shot you have of keeping your own practices from becoming incredibly distorted.” His CLAL runs a program called Rabbis Without Borders, dedicated to fostering open dialogue across cultural and religious barriers.
Stories of innovation often feature “two kids in a garage.” Kula’s goal has been to tell an innovation story from the cathedral. “Religion’s just a technology,” his BIF talk began. “How the hardware of humanity gets used will depend on the software.”
His talk covered how the rapid advancements of the digital infrastructure age demand that we broaden our ethical horizons: What are the new crimes? In this new order, who is included and what are their rights? As we redefine morality, the need to innovate faith becomes especially pressing.
“The most interesting businesses ask ‘impact on society’ questions, which are more complex than ‘killer app success’ questions,” Kula reflects in hindsight. “At BIF, I asked, ‘What would happen if we applied innovation theory to religion, to compress the resources it takes to create good people?’”
Kula looks forward to returning for BIF10 in September.
“If a homily is 15 minutes in church, it’s 18 minutes at BIF,” he says. “As conferences go, BIF embodies total equality between the storytellers and their audience. In many ways, it’s the best of what a spiritual community is — we’ve got to bottle that.”
The BIF Collaborative Innovation Summit combines 30 brilliant storytellers with more than 400 innovation junkies in a two-day storytelling jam, featuring tales of personal discovery and transformation that spark real connection and “random collisions of unusual suspects.”
By Erica and Matt Chua, on Fri Oct 10, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET One thing about Fall that gets me more excited than I probably should is BOOTS. Boots pretty much rock my world, and I’m thrilled that it’s time to start looking at what’s in stores this Fall.
Here’s why boots are so awesome:
1) Boots are a great way to distinguish your work clothes from your “going out” clothes.
2) [this one’s sneaky] Since boots often have thicker soles than regular shoes, they can give you a little help in the height department.
3) There are loads of different boot styles that allow you to create your own unique look (we’ll go over a few below), and designers are always coming up with hip new details.
4) Because boots are not as ubiquitous as, say, regular dress shoes, wearing stylish boots will set you apart as someone who is “in the know” about style.
And here are 3 great boot picks for this Fall in various price ranges:
Up to $250
Topman – $100 Don’t let the buckle scare you. It’s a subtle touch that will only be visible when you’re sitting down.
$250-$500
Rag & Bone – $450 – The roughed-up suede makes them gritty and masculine, but the half captoe maintains the polish.
Read the rest of… Julie Rath: If You Try One New Thing this Fall…
By Josh Bowen, on Thu Oct 9, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET We live in a world that goes 100 miles per hour…everyday. Sometimes the last thing on our mind is preparing food. Though a necessary evil, preparing our food is always the best practice, instead of eating out. However there are times where going to a restaurant are warranted.
For nearly 7 years, I traveled up and down the roads and eating out was the only option I had. Through that experience, I developed some “tips” to eat my body full of nutrients and to fuel my workouts at the same time eating out.
Here are my 5 tips:
1. Game Plan If you know you are going to be traveling, Google the restaurants close and if need be look at the nutritional facts. If you are in a hurry or you have a business meeting, plan where you are going that you know has healthy options. To use the excuse of a meeting or didn’t have time, is not acceptable when there are so many better options.
2. Survey the Menu There will always be better options and most places have a “healthy” option selection on their menu. Just look for it or ask the waitress. Texas Roadhouse in Lexington has the JB Fit Menu
3. Learn How to Order When I order at a place I tell them specifically what I want: “No seasoning” “No butter” “Grilled no fried” “Sweet potato plain” To most this may seem like a pain but it saves you in the long run. Most cooks at restaurants will pile on the margarine and salt, making for an unnecessary nutritional nightmare. Just ask to not have it. I do it all the time, it will be OK!
4. Substitute So you steak comes with fries? Hey yo, substitute green beans for those fries or a plain sweet potato. Over the long run this will help you. Meal comes with two sides and everything looks like old school country fixings? Sub out a house salad (salad dressing on the side). Easy substitutions will save the calories in the long run.
5. Control the Portions They give you too much food. You don’t need all the food they give you. Eat half and save the rest for lunch tomorrow (if healthy). No reason to big out if you do not need too.
Bonus..
5.1 The Table Setting Some places will give you bread (for free) when they seat you. Resist or tell the host you do not want any bread. Resist the temptation before you gorge yourself on bread before a big meal.
5.2 Cookie Monster “Would you like to see a desert menu.” Answer no! Again, you will fall into temptation that you will not be able to recover from. Just say no to cake!
Take it from me, I have done my fair share of eating out. But it should not interfere with your fitness goals and the way you feel. Hope you enjoyed this post!
By Erica and Matt Chua, on Tue Oct 7, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET I haven’t confirmed this with my parents, but I am quite sure that this is the first year I will not be attending the Great Minnesota Get Together since I was born 29 years ago. The Minnesota State Fair is my favorite “holiday” and a Minnesota tradition I can really get behind. Lutefisk being the only other Minnesota tradition that I [unwillingly] participate in each year, but who can get behind lutefisk as a tradition for anyone but their worst enemies?
It’s hard to pick the best part of the Minnesota State Fair. Is it the abundance of twangy country acts performing for free at the Leinie’s Lodge? The grandstand shows featuring bands that were popular decades ago, but you can still sing-a-long to? The people watching? The toothless carnies in the Midway or the plethora of food on a stick?
While the people watching is second to none, leading you to stare uncomfortably at entire families of people so rotund they couldn’t find a shirt to cover their belly and are eating chocolate dipped bacon on a stick. Going to the State Fair can really be an esteem booster as you leave wondering when the last time many of your fellow fair goers saw their feet. But, the people watching wouldn’t be half as entertaining without an artery-clogging treat on a stick to eat while you cattily observe.
It is especially fun to see what those crazy fair organizers will come up with each year to out-do deep-fried Snickers Bars. Some of my favorites include; pork chop on a stick, I’m convinced it tastes better just because it’s on a stick, mini donuts and the best Fair treat there is a buttery piece of sweet corn on the cob. None of the food on a stick I have encountered in Asia has been as tasty as Fair food, but it’s been much more bizarre.
Below are the top five foods on a stick I’ve had in Asia:
1. Ecto-Cooler Slime Dough Balls
These were actually looking like a good snack option as they were being made fresh at the night market in Luoyang, China. However, after we ordered them we were getting ready to pay when the sauce extravaganza started. First was a squirt of what looked like hot sauce, then a “healthy” helping of mayonnaise, which didn’t see too bad until she squeezed on the neon-green ecto-cooler slime and sprinkled pork floss on top. We ate them anyway as we had paid a whole 40 cents for them and I can’t tell you if they were good or bad because there were so many strange flavors happening at once it seemed like something only Willy Wonka could have dreamed up.
2. Ancient Ice Cream
This is genius, right up there with dippin’ dots only far less creative. From what we can tell this “Ancient Ice Cream” is no different than any other ice cream except in it’s cement block shape and high price. But someone is making money because we fell for it.
3. Deep fried gyoza roll
Read the rest of… Erica and Matt Chua: Food on a Stick
By Saul Kaplan, on Mon Oct 6, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET This is the first of a 10-article series originally published on the Time website, authored by myself and Nicha Ratana, of conversations with transformational leaders who will be storytellers at the BIF10 Collaborative Innovation Summit in Providence, RI.
John Hagel speaks with satisfying precision. He has kind eyes and stern glasses, which together dominate the screen during a Sunday-afternoon Skype conversation.
As co-chairman of Deloitte’s Center for the Edge, Hagel hunts for unexploited capability on the “edges” of business and makes the case to include them on the CEO’s agenda. “The edges are most fertile areas for innovation,” he says. They are an important place to watch, because what happens at the edges transforms the core.
Hagel’s research encompasses geographic edges (overseas economies), demographic edges (younger generations entering the workforce, their unmet needs), and the edges of technological discovery. If there’s anything his work has taught him, it’s that the manual is less of an asset than the “ability to respond to unexpected events.”
Hagel believes that we are approaching fundamental revaluation of the role corporations play in our lives.
Corporations in the first half of the 20th century were built around what Hagel calls the “push” business model. The greatest asset of these vertically integrated, gargantuan structures was their knowledge stock — aggressively protected trade facts and formulas that allowed them to forecast with reasonable accuracy which direction to “push” operations.
However, this push model is failing in the face of expanding digital technology infrastructures, Hagel claims. Reinforced by long-term policy shifts toward economic liberalization, barriers to market entry have been significantly reduced on a global scale. The pace of our transactions has increased, the lifespan of knowledge stocks has decreased and competitive intensity in the US economy has doubled in the last 40 years. Hagel calls this “the dark side of technology” — a counter-narrative to the Silicon Valley script of dazzling possibility.
But Hagel sees an antidote to this volatility: openness. “People are realizing that they need to collaborate to survive,” he says, “You have to give up your secrets, your competitive advantage. It’s the only sustainable edge.” Hagel calls this new order the world of “pull,” and he describes it in his book, The Power of Pull: How Small Moves, Smartly Made, Can Set Big Things in Motion.
“Pull,” a splendidly iconoclastic antidote to traditional American corporate culture, means moving away from hub-and-spoke networks where knowledge was selfishly guarded to mesh networks that favor collaboration. Pull rejects claims to have all the right answers and instead favors asking smart questions.
“When people come at you with a façade as if everything’s under control, it does not generate trust,” Hagel says. “Admitting you don’t know something is a prerequisite to making progress.”
Rather than showing strength, influence in an uncertain economy paradoxically comes from expressing vulnerability. Yet Hagel says he had to learn the value of vulnerability. As a boy, he was often subject to his mother’s hostile temper.
“The key lesson that I took from my childhood was that my needs did not matter,” he explains. Upon his entry into management consulting, Hagel readily embraced the maxim that the client’s needs had to come first. “For the first part of my career, I was a servant of others,” he says. “The idea that others could help me was completely foreign to me.”
Hagel attributes the shift in his thinking to a talk he gave at the Collaborative Innovation Summit hosted annually by the nonprofit Business Innovation Factory (BIF) in Providence, RI.
“Saul Kaplan invited me to be a storyteller at BIF6, and I’ve talked a lot and in various conferences and settings, and that seemed perfectly fine,” Hagel says. “But then he said, ‘We want you to talk about a personal experience and what you’ve learned from it,’ — and that was very scary.”
“Stories are not my thing. I am a person of reason and analysis,” began Hagel’s BIF6 story. But sure enough, he shared two tales of formative childhood experiences in a passionate expression of his business philosophy that later became the story of that year’s Summit. “It was the first time I ever got on stage and talked about myself,” he reflected in hindsight.
The experience was an incredible catalyst. “It really unleashed a tremendous sense of potential and possibility, that by sharing my personal experiences, by talking about things I didn’t know, and I connected with people in a way that I would never have had I just given my standard speech. I can’t wait to be a storyteller at BIF10 in September.”
“The key lesson I got from the BIF Collaborative Innovation Summit,” Hagel says, “is that innovation is ultimately not about ideas, it is about personal connection.”
By Julie Rath, on Fri Oct 3, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET I always say a groom should look dashing at his wedding, and choosing the right accessories is key to the result. In selecting neckwear for your nuptials, remember that you’re not choosing a power tie or a work tie — you’re choosing a wedding tie, and it should be celebratory. After all, that’s what the whole day is about. So give yourself permission to think outside the box and go with something you might not normally wear. You’ll still look like you, only a cool and sharp groom version of you. Below are several different categories of ties that are just right for those that are altar-bound.
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SOLIDS
Solids: Wearing a solid tie is a nice way to let your bride, no doubt gorgeous in her wedding dress, take center stage. I recommend using a shade from the wedding color scheme and/or the bridesmaid dresses. I like the three below (left to right): from Drake’s London (£95), Turnbull & Asser ($175), and to go with a more casual look — perhaps a khaki suit — this linen tie from Faconnable ($115). All three are available in a range of colors for easy coordination.
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TONE-ON-TONE
If a solid doesn’t have enough flavor, but you still want to keep it simple, try one that’s tone-on-tone like those below from Jil Sander ($165; also comes in tan) and Brioni ($195).
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METALLIC
Another easy principle to follow is matching metals to metals. So if your bride’s jewelry and your belt buckle, watch, cuff links, etc. are silver-toned, you might incorporate a corresponding metallic shade into your tie. This rule works particularly well if your metals are silver and you happen to have cool skin tone, or if your metals are gold, and your skin tone is warm. For silvers, I like this diamond-patterned tie from Sam Hober ($80) and this silk stripe from Giorgio Armani ($145). Keep in mind that the Sam Hober is on the dressy side because the pattern is small.
Read the rest of… Julie Rath: Groom Alert
By Josh Bowen, on Thu Oct 2, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET I get food cravings. You get food cravings. We ALL get food cravings. But what does it mean?
A few months ago I read an interesting article (I have searched and cannot find it) about the affect, low quality, nutrient deficient food has on our brains. To summarize the article; research had been done on the brain and how it responded to eating donuts, pop tarts and other “junk” food. Essentially it caused the body to crave these foods even more because the brain and body had not been satisfied with the amount of nutrients it had gotten. So it needed to eat again. This caused overeating in several test subjects.
Make of it what you will but when we crave and subsequently eat foods that would be considered low nutrient food, you end up craving more it to make up for the lack of nutrients that other foods such as vegetables, fruits and lean proteins would provide. Thus causing overeating.
So…What is my body telling me when I crave certain foods? Great question. I have always said that what your body craves, tells you what your diet is lacking. So here is a list of cravings and what you need and what to eat instead:
Craving: Chocolate
What you need: Magnesium
What to eat instead: Nuts, seeds, veggies and fruits
Craving: Sugar
What you need: Chromium, Carbon, Trytophan
What to eat instead: broccoli, chicken, fatty fish, nuts, fresh fruits
Craving: Starchy Carbs (pasta, bread)
What you need: Nitrogene
What to eat instead: high protein foods, fatty fish, chia seeds
Craving: Oily Foods
What you need: Calcium
What to eat instead: green leafy vegetables
Craving: Salty Foods
What you need: Chloride, Silicon
What to eat instead: cashews, seeds, almonds, fatty fish
This is by no means the end all be all list. However, this gives you an idea of how to help your cravings. This also does not taken into consideration the emotional value of food when dealing with stress and the daily stressors of the world.
But there is always this…
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