By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Jan 3, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
U-Turns!
Driving in California is like being in the middle of a really bad video game where you never seem to figure out how to beat the system.
Fortunately, U-turns are all the rage out here and are great at minimizing time lost by inevitable driving mistakes.
And thank goodness for GPS systems. I have been so dependent on mine today that we are actually developing a relationship of sorts.
She–t…he monotone, always cool as a cumber, pleasant yet motherly voice from my GPS– has told me today at least a dozen times, “Take the next legal U-Turn.” A few minutes ago she said, “Take a right and then take the next legal U-Turn.”
I responded emphatically to her, “Lady, I was born ready to take the next legal U-Turn.” And I think I meant it.
And at some level, I think she heard me and smiled in that way that only the GPS voice-overs can smile to themselves.
Oh, and I know she has to always say “the next ‘legal’ U-Turn” but just once I’d like to hear her say, “Take the next U-Turn….Notice I didn’t say ‘legal’ either. I can’t explain it, I just want to be bad today.”
That would be cool. And I’d pay an extra dollar a month for the possibility of that happening. And I could say back, “Don’t worry sister, I already did.”
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Dec 29, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET
Life’s great –perhaps greatest conundrum.
Society has become so complex. The mysteries of the human mind coupled with mind-boggling technological advances, has created perennial questions that we may never fully have satisfactory answers to.
From space exploration to string theory to crop circles to revisiting the theory of relativity and countless intractable political and economic conditions, so much of our world remains perplexing.
But no riddle, no puzzling reality seems more elusive more wholly inexplicable than Fruit Cakes.
Each year around during the holiday season millions of people buy and gift Fruit Cakes to friends and loved ones.
That’s right, MILLIONS!
And yet no one has ever been spotted eating a piece of Fruit Cake. Ever!
Why do people buy them?
Why do others feign excitement when receiving fruit cake gifts?
And what happens to these cakes after the gift is given and nobody is watching?
One social commentator, Calvin Trillin, several decades ago posited that there was really only one Fruit Cake in the world. And it simply has been re-gifted millions of times. But technological advances have undermined this otherwise plausible theory.
Others have theorized aliens are making us buy and gift Fruit Cakes against our will by an race of sophisticated space aliens who own several thousand mall kiosk franchises that sell cheese and sausage baskets and, you guessed it, Fruit Cakes. But there is inadequate evidence to to prove this theory at this time.
Which leaves the mystery of the Fruit Cake perhaps the human conundrum least likely to be solved in any of our lifetimes.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Dec 27, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET
You know how when you are talking to someone who is undergoing hormone replacement treatment in preparation for gender reassignment surgery it can sometimes be awkward?
You know, how you try to make the other person feel like you have no idea they are about to change from a man to a woman or vice-versa and try to bring up banal topics like basketball or the weather?
Of course you do.
And it is confusing.
Sometimes –given how far along the person is in the process–it can be confusing about which “brand” (so to speak) they are leaving and which one they are becoming.
I just went through McDonalds drive-thru a few minutes ago and was struck with that same awkward feeling I have when around people getting sex changes.
The drive-thru menu was very feminine, so to speak, splattered with colorful pictures of apples, oatmeal, fruit and all manner of healthy foods and fancy girly coffee drinks.
This used to be a fry and burger joint with hot black coffee that would burn your skin off—a fast food joint with more of a guy’s personality. But I went through the drive thru anyway.
As I paid I looked the person working the register in the eye as if to say, “I have no idea what you are going through and it is none of my business. I do not judge. I’ve known people who have gone through transformations like this and they are good people and I wish you the best. Please just give me my Big Mac and fries while I still recognize this place so I can leave because I have nothing to add about basketball or the weather.”
I think the person at the register understood what I was communicating and appreciated the subliminal gesture. It was the right way to handle an otherwise awkward situation.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 23, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET
Improving Kentucky’s public image.
I try when traveling to help boost how others perceive Kentucky.
No, we aren’t barefoot and uneducated as we are too often portrayed in the media.
To the contrary, I believe we are as shoe-rich and literate as about a…ny other state; and, in fact, have a well above average degree of common sense and common decency.
So last week I was in the big city of Atlanta’s mega-modern airport on my way home. I was going through security and was identified as a random person to do a body scan. I was especially friendly and pleasant about it, and explained I was from Kentucky and hadn’t seen one of these machines before but had seen seen them on TV.
I walked inside the cylindrical contraption and was told to stand in the center, be still, and raise my hands. The doors closed shut. After about 15-20 seconds, the doors re-opened and I was told to walk out the other side.
I did and smiled broadly at the security personnel and said “WowWee! I love fancy technology! Am I back in Kentucky already? I never thought I’d see the day….. but here I am. Just like in Star Trek!”
Read the rest of… John Y.’s Musings from the Middle: Airport Tele-transporters
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 21, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET
Outrageous! Lindsay Lohan outdoes herself again!!
I just had an apple bran muffin and coffee for breakfast.
OK…I admit it.
I used a fake Lindsay Lohan lead to get attention because my Facebook status update this morning is my dullest ever, and I was trying to spice it up and pull people in.
Of course, I don’t know Lindsay Lohan and have no idea what she did last night…For all I know, she didn’t …do anything and just had an apple bran muffin and coffee.
Lindsay Lohan NUDE!!!
Which gives me an idea. Here is my new status update:
“Lindsay Lohan and I had apple bran muffins and coffee.”
Again, depending on how you read that sentence it, too, can be misleading. I wasn’t eating an apple bran muffin and coffee at the same time in the presence of Lindsay Lohan, and some could read it that way. And that wouldn’t be accurate.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Dec 19, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET
The American Bar Association recently recommended that KY indefinitely halt all executions after a study showed a high rate of convictions being reversed.
I think this is an excellent idea.
When I was secretary of state I was put in a position to sign off on death warrants ordered by the state. I talked to law professors and attorneys involved with the cases and couldn’t bring myself to sign off in my on hand. I let the office signature machine sign my name. Although my signature was just a formality that the order had been received and filed–not a policy decision I could impact– the symbolism of signing jarred me. The death penalty was no longer an interesting hypothetical question. It was happening and my job was step in the process, albeit administrative only.
I’m not yet willing to say the death penalty should be abolished altogether. But I hope this moratorium brings fresh insight and information to a stale debate on an important criminal justice option available in the Commonwealth—aimed mostly at deterring rather than punishing our most heinous crimes.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 16, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET
Grandparents and grandchildren have a special bond.
They share a common enemy. Today’s hovering helicopter parents have, in their zest to simulate the perfect developmental environment, forgotten some important ingredients to creating a whole and fully functional child.
Sometimes, if we are lucky, a contrarian grandfather (who still hasn’t gotten around to reading Dr. Spock’s Baby and Childcare – or anything written since on child rearing) can be just what is needed to help create a well-rounded child. My 13 year old daughter and 17 year old son spent time with my 78 year old father earlier this week, and helped bring this lesson home for me. And so, with that, I offer this appreciation…..
Here’s to grandfathers, especially the fun ones.
The ones who never realized there was a time to stop rebelling, exploring or experimenting.
Who in the eyes of some never quite finished growing up…but upon closer observation merely never forgot how to have fun–or listened when told “You’re too old for that.”
The ones who are maddening enigmas on the bad days but wonderfully surprising on the be…tter days.
The ones who live close to the heartbeat of life because they don’t know how to live any other way….who showed up one day in their childhood at the local carnival and think they never left.
Who feel retirement is as about as appealing as taking an extra AP course in high school.
And who, when out with two teenage kids, can make the teenagers question their personal sense of coolness and how they view the world.
Who give surprising answers that ring true to conventional questions with conventional answers that ring hollow.
And who know that sometimes all a 13 year old and a 17 year old need to make them feel good about their world is a 78 year old with the right attitude.
Those grandfathers don’t always get the credit they deserve in our media and literature…but they have a lot to teach us. They possess a lot of important wisdom about, as Thoreau wrote, how to suck all the marrow out of life…and do it with gusto and a grin.
Thank goodness for the grandfathers who teach us the things we need to know. But thank goodness, too, for the ones who teach us what we want to know– but may not know how to ask. The skills that some scoff at but the wiser know are the AP equivalents of life courses that will take us farther than even advanced chemistry—and possibly even farther than Calculus III.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 14, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET
Today, we introduce an exciting new feature at The RP: John Y.’s “Musings from the Middle.”Contributing RP and former Kentucky Secretary of State John Y. Brown, III, has set Facebook on fire the past few months with his thoughtful, often hilarious posts on his Facebook page. Having reached the limit of 5000 friends, John Y. is now sharing his wit and wisdom with the RP Nation as well. Enjoy, and be sure to fire away in the comments section.
New habits are almost always achieved incrementally.
A handy tool is the “stages of development” between an old habit and the adoption of a new habit. For example, the stages for adopting a fitness regimen. For me, the 8 Stages have been as follows.
Disgust. Hitting bottom with one’s weight and/or appearance.
Joining a gym. Purchasing a gym membership.
Circling. Driving to the gym and circling it several times in your car before leaving.
Entering. Going inside gym and meeting person at front desk and using restroom. Before leaving.
Augmentation. Joining a second gym.
Canceling. Terminating both gym memberships
Acceptance. Making peace with your weight and appearance as it is.
Contrition. Doing an act that salves a sense of guilt and failure (e.g., joining a morning mens accountability group—but one that serves doughnuts.)
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Oct 19, 2011 at 1:35 PM ET
Looking back on our lives, we are usually proudest of things we’ve done.
I’m perhaps proudest of something I stopped doing.
Although I rarely mention it, today is 26 years since I had my last drink of alcohol. It was an awfully good decision.
And I mention today because maybe some young person who is where I was 26 years ago will reach out for help. I’m glad I did. And grateful help was there….and more help is available today than ever before.
I won’t comment more on this but if anyone wants to message me personally, I’m happy to try to help.
(To send a confidential message to John, you can send an email to JYB3@TheRecoveringPolitician.com. That will go directly to John’s personal account.)
U-Turns!
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