By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Oct 5, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
The little recognized “divider”
In the early stages of life we find qualities serve us that seem at the time “most important” to success. The more obvious ones are intelligence, hard work, education, looks, personality, persistence, loyalty, faith, honor, savvy and the like.
All those seem to come and go after being indispensable at some point during our early life stages. But what about the key trait that distinguishes those who thrive in the middle years and those who find this period befuddling and daunting?
I think the key distinguishing trait is self-awareness—or more bluntly, self-honesty. How well are we able to candidly and painfully assess who we are and how we see the world and our place in it. Maybe this is what Socrates meant with his maxim, “Know thyself.”
I was having lunch with very bright friend 4 years ago who as a few years younger than I. He has a law degree from Harvard and was wondering how to figure out succeeding in the murky middle years. I remember saying something like, “I think it is less taxing on our minds than our souls. And open to all who are ready for the journey within where we get to meet and make peace with ourselves.” Adding, “it’s the easiest on the surface but the hardest in practice.”
And I don’t think I’ve wavered from that belief in the 4 years since then.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Oct 4, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s impossible to ask a stupid question.”
As someone who has the habit of asking lots of questions, I always took comfort in this maxim. But learned about 12 years ago during a marriage counseling session, it’s not always true.
I have since become a huge fan of marriage counseling for all couples. It teaches relationship skills we all need and is no different, in my opinion, to time and money we spend keeping our bodies and minds fit. But this was during the first few weeks of counseling and my lovely wife, Rebecca, and I still assumed it we were basically having a contest to see who could “win” and that the counselor was basically our umpire and score keeper.
Rebecca had won the first few sessions on points. I’d always known that if I’d been a boxer life, I’d be better served trying to always win on points rather than going for the knockout punch—even though the impulse to go for the knockout was always hard for me to resist. This morning I was off to an excellent start—doing all the right things. Using I statements and parrying well by mirroring empathetically Rebecca’s statements. I seemed to have our counselor on my side with momentum rolling my way.
And then I decided to go for the close and seal the deal, so to speak, with a question that I thought would secure a “W” for me this session—and one that we’ll all remember. It was the boxer–not the husband—in me.
“Doctor,” I thoughtfully intoned. “I’m sure you treat a lot of unhappy couples in your practice and I think you’ve had a chance to get to know me pretty well these past few weeks. Is it fair to say that most of the wives you meet with would be very happy to have a husband like me?”
And then….then…there was that awful, horrendous feeling one gets when you suspect there’s been a crack in the universe —and everyone is staring at you like you are to blame. And deep down, you agree with them.
I never got an answer to my question. But the question did help one of us “seal the deal” that morning. And it was a question we did, in fact, all remember.
And no one—on that morning—offered me the solace “John, there is no such thing as a stupid question.”
By Jonathan Miller, on Wed Oct 3, 2012 at 3:30 PM ET
Photo courtesy of @MarkZuckerman
It’s a Cinderella story. Or maybe a Miracle on Grass.
After losing 538 straight times to his Mount Rushmore colleagues, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt this afternoon finally won the Washington Nationals’ Presidents’ Race held on every home game day at Nationals’ Park since 2006.
Teddy’s cause had been championed by a blog, Let Teddy Win!, that followed his exploits, and even had the support of leading politicians such as John McCain, who blamed his political hero’s losing streak on a “massive left-wing conspiracy.”
Please join me in wishing the Trust Buster/Rough Rider a hearty Mazel Tov!
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Oct 3, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Trying to wake up but don’t have any coffee?
Here’s an eye-opener that just might do the trick for you…..
One of my favorite lines from the movie My Dinner with Andre.
ANDRÉ:
You see, Wally, the trouble with always being active and doing things is that it’s quite possible to do all sorts of things and at the same time be completely dead inside.
I mean, you’re doing all these things, but are you doing them because you really feel an impulse to do them, or are you doing them mechanically, as we were saying before?
Because I do believe that if you’re just living mechanically, then you have to change your life. I mean, you know, when you’re young, you go out on dates all the time, you go dance or something, you’re floating free, and then one day you find yourself in a relationship, and suddenly everything freezes. And this can be true in your work as well.
And I mean, as long as you’re really alive inside, then of course there’s no problem. I mean, you know, if you’re living with someone in one little room, and there’s a life going on between you and the person you’re living with, well then, you know, a whole adventure can be going on right in that room.
But there’s always that danger that things can go dead. And then I think you really do have to kind of become a hobo or something, you know, like Kerouac, and go out on the road. I really believe that. I mean, it’s not that wonderful to spend your life on the road. I mean, my own overwhelming preference is to stay in that room if you can!
Now, of course, if you live with somebody for a long time, people are constantly saying, “Well, of course it’s not as great as it used to be, but that’s only natural. The first blush of a romance goes, you know, and that’s the way it has to be.” Now, I totally disagree with that. But I do think you have to constantly ask yourself the question, with total frankness, is your marriage still a marriage? Is the sacramental element still there?
Just as you have to ask about the sacramental element of your work—is it still there?
And I mean, it’s a very frightening thing to have to realize suddenly that, my God, I thought I was living my life, but in fact I haven’t been a human being. I’ve been a performer. I haven’t been living. I’ve been acting. I’ve acted the role of the father. I’ve acted the role of the husband. I’ve acted the role of the friend. I’ve acted the role of the writer or director or whatever. I’ve lived in the same room with this person, but I haven’t really seen them. I haven’t really heard them. I haven’t really been with them.
All the election news lately has been about arguments traded back & forth between Obama & Romney, or Romney’s campaign woes, or Paul Ryan’s getting booed at an AARP convention. Sort of makes me feel sorry for Joe Biden. First of all, he’s running for an office once famously equated with “a warm bucket of spit”. And he can’t even stand out in those races – four years ago he was totally overshadowed by Tina Fey’s look-alike, and now he’s running against someone who makes a whole different set of headlines. (Apparently, the week Ryan was announced, that week’s most frequent google search was “Paul Ryan Shirtless”, and more than one comic hypothesized that the week’s least frequent google search was “Joe Biden Shirtless”.)
But do a little research about Biden, and you’ll find that his ‘everyman’ cred is genuine. He graduated near the bottom of his class in both college & law school, he is one of the least wealthy members of Congress, and he’s well-known for making verbal slips (or at least prematurely ‘outing’ Obama’s support for gay marriage). (He’s had quite a distinguished career, including being one of the longest serving senators in history.) So I decided poor Joe deserved a little musical love . . .
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Oct 2, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Always question assumptions.
For a successful life.
And to avoid motion sickness.
“Ok. I am serious about finally getting some balance in my life,” he said—as he had been saying fairly regularly and unsuccessfully for the past 30 years.
You had to admit he was a persistent fella–especially about things he didn’t seem very committed to. Like getting balance in his life.
And then he had an epiphany:
“People who have really honed their ability to balance themselves end up being professional tight rope walkers and travel with a circus troupe and have to carry a long thin balancing bar with them everywhere.”
“Yuck!” He thought to himself. “What was I thinking? I have severe motion sickness and would struggle trying to make a living with a traveling circus show.”
And at that precise moment, John decided to quite trying to be a professional tight rope walker. Embraced his imperfections and native gifts for creating imbalance in his life almost as effortlessly as the young Mozart wrote beautiful music.
And he lived happily, for the most part, ever after.
And never experienced guilt -or motion sickness again.
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Oct 2, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET
With the Obama/Romney debate on the American family calendar this week, it seemed only fitting to address the more prominent form of debate in American families- the marital debate. First, though we have to acknowledge the differences. In a political debate, the audience is the American public. In the marital debate, the debaters are the audience. Complicated. Further, in the political debate, there are moderators and referees, time limits and guidelines. In the marital debate, all bets are off. We don’t even have commercial breaks- usually.
Of course, couples therapy is another story. With the right counselor, that can be a lot more safe. In fact, I believe that it should be mandatory for engaged couples to go to counseling. It’s not that all couples have problems to iron out (though most do,) but rather that learning to communicate in conflict is a prerequisite for a happy marriage. When people say “We have such a great relationship, we never fight!” it’s bull…., in my humble opinion. And even in counseling we have to remember the difference- that the candidates are the audience. (It’s not about whom the therapist likes better! As long as it’s me.)
So, because these 2 genres are quite different, we should understand that the goal is different. We know that Obama is not going to convince Romney of anything and vice versa. We don’t expect that they will be heard and understood by each other. And they don’t have to sleep in the same bed at the end of the night. Thank G-d. That wouldn’t be legal in most states anyway.
With the marital argument, that same person that we disagree with so vehemently is the one that we have to make babies with, when the time is right. (And practice that the rest of the time.) We don’t want to be reachingacross the aisle; we want to be walking down the same aisle! But oftentimes it is not so. Bipartisanship is not just something to give lip service to, when it comes to marriage. It is mission critical.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Sep 28, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
I rarely ever lose my cool. And even when I do, it usually goes unnoticed.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate someone who can “lose it” easily—and really put it to impressive uses.
Here is one of my all time favorite “losing it” scenes from one of my all-time favorite movies about the mindset of criminals.
And the consequences of provoking their sometimes hair trigger temper. Unforgettably played by Dustin Hoffman.
Oh, and let me forewarn you, I once had a college counselor 30 years ago suggest to me that I had a “low frustration tolerance threshold.” He may have been trying to tell me that one day I could be capable of doing this too.
The most important political ad of the presidential campaign, censored for your family viewing enjoyment (unless, of course, you are a Mitt Romney fan):
The little recognized “divider”
