Nancy Slotnick: Mass Debate

With the Obama/Romney debate on the American family calendar this week, it seemed only fitting to address the more prominent form of debate in American families- the marital debate.  First, though we have to acknowledge the differences.  In a political debate, the audience is the American public.  In the marital debate, the debaters are the audience.  Complicated.  Further, in the political debate, there are moderators and referees, time limits and guidelines.  In the marital debate, all bets are off.  We don’t even have commercial breaks- usually.

Of course, couples therapy is another story.  With the right counselor, that can be a lot more safe.  In fact, I believe that it should be mandatory for engaged couples to go to counseling.  It’s not that all couples have problems to iron out (though most do,) but rather that learning to communicate in conflict is a prerequisite for a happy marriage.  When people say “We have such a great relationship, we never fight!” it’s bull…., in my humble opinion.  And even in counseling we have to remember the difference- that the candidates are the audience.  (It’s not about whom the therapist likes better!  As long as it’s me.)

So, because these 2 genres are quite different, we should understand that the goal is different.  We know that Obama is not going to convince Romney of anything and vice versa.  We don’t expect that they will be heard and understood by each other.  And they don’t have to sleep in the same bed at the end of the night.  Thank G-d. That wouldn’t be legal in most states anyway.

With the marital argument, that same person that we disagree with so vehemently is the one that we have to make babies with, when the time is right.  (And practice that the rest of the time.)  We don’t want to be reachingacross the aisle; we want to be walking down the same aisle!  But oftentimes it is not so.  Bipartisanship is not just something to give lip service to, when it comes to marriage.  It is mission critical.

So one might think- let’s just pick a side of the aisle and both sit together!  Did you ever go to a wedding where the usher asks that old-fashioned question- “Bride’s side or Groom’s?”  And you’re not really sure where to sit because you’re friends with both of them.  Well, that’s the dilemma of the marital debate.

If you can master the domain of getting into your partner’s world, then you will win the debate of life.  Getting into the other person’s world is a tricky concept, however.   It doesn’t mean doing it their way.  If she doesn’t let you buy poppy seed bagels because they’re too messy, the solution is not to buy plain bagels.  The solution is not to compromise on sesame because you like sesame seeds too and they are more easily sucked up by the dustbuster.  The solution is not to ignore her and buy everything bagels just to spite, because she is crazy. (Even if it’s true that she is crazy.  She’s your crazy.)

The solution is to get in her world.  Try to listen and understand what happens to her when the poppies are spilling all over the floor and she feels out of control.  Try to understand why this is your fault.  (In her world, remember!)  That is the hardest part.  Don’t defend yourself, just understand it in her world.  Then repeat it back to her, to the best of your memory, without mocking.  It’s miraculous but it works.  She will feel heard and understood.  She may be able to relax on being the poppy-nazi, and you may even be able to enjoy practicing making babies together again.  Because it’s not as much fun alone.

There is a function to the marital debate.  There is no master of the marital domain. (Note: I apologize for the crudeness of the undertones of this blog.  There is some meaning behind my metaphor.  And if you didn’t notice, then your mind must live on the other side of the aisle from the gutter of my mind.  Please respect bipartisanship in that case. If you still don’t know what I’m talking, about, refer to the title of this blog.)

Simon and Garfunkel’s words come to mind: “People talking without speaking.  People hearing without listening.” We see so much of this in politics and in the world.  But in a love relationship, there’s no room for it.  In a marriage, there are 2 domains in one domicile.  Keep this in mind and you won’t cancel out each other’s vote. You will rock the vote!  Now let’s listen to the sounds of silence.