Like any woman in show biz, I’ve had a long history of crushes on gay men. There was the cute scene partner in acting class, the fellow waiter who won my heart by knowing who Ella Fitzgerald was, and the incredibly talented sax player who had me fooled for awhile since musicians tend to be not just straight, but straight with a vengeance. And there was the awkward-but-sweet college buddy with whom I reconnected after he’d come out to (and in) San Francisco and transformed himself into a buff, bronzed hunk, but with the same sweetness and intelligence. We spent so much time commiserating about our bad luck with men that we half-seriously began to think we should just marry each other. (My mother heard about this and objected, “But Lauren, you know there would be a problem marrying him – he’s not Jewish!” When I told her that perhaps being gay might be a bigger obstacle, her response was “Oh, that’s no big deal, they can fix that.”) (In case she reads this column I should explain, that was over 20 years ago and she’s MUCH better informed now.)
Having a crush on a gay friend can be really frustrating, knowing that he’d be perfect for you except for the sex thing. (My college friend and I did try to date a little, but it just didn’t work, for obvious reasons. He told me that if it wouldn’t work with me, he knew it could never work with a woman, which I hope was a lovely compliment instead of evidence that I turned men gay . . . ) But having a crush on a gay celebrity is stress-free – you know there’s no chance of anything happening, it’s just a fun fantasy. And it’s not as illogical as it seems; these guys are never going out with me regardless of their sexuality, so why not have fun? Plus when a celebrity comes out as gay, he simply adds to his attractiveness by his honesty and bravery. My list of celebrity crushes has included Ricky Martin, Nathan Lane, Victor Garber, Neil Patrick Harris, David Hyde Pierce, Nate Silver (he’s the political statistician who writes the NYTimes ‘538’ column and accurately predicted the outcome of every state in the presidential election – smart is almost as much of a turn-on as funny!)
I’ve never really followed sports, other than knowing my husband will be in a foul mood if ‘his’ team loses (which makes no sense to me, he doesn’t actually know any players on the SF Giants or the Warriers or Sharks, so why does he care?) (In case he reads this column, I realize that on the other hand, he doesn’t understand my crush on Nathan Lane, et al., and since he doesn’t tease me about it, I won’t give him any grief about the team thing). But I am now following the sports scene, thanks to Jason Collins coming out as gay. Collins didn’t just come out, he expressed himself beautifully, he handled criticism with grace and dignity, and he comes across as smart, articulate, and thoughtful – but I almost can’t keep my mind on all those wonderful qualities, I keep getting distracted by his gorgeous physique, his rippling muscles, and that matinee-idol smile. And I don’t think the depth of my crush is at all impaired by the fact that before his announcement, not only had I never heard of Mr. Collins, but I’d also never heard of half of the teams listed in his bio. (Memphis Grizzlies? Minnesota Timberwolves?)
So while I still admire all my previous crushes, and I look forward to more cute-and-funny celebrities coming out, I only write love songs for really special gay men. Nate Silver qualified during the election, but I think even more people will understand why I need to sing about Jason Collins! (In case he reads this column, I would LOVE to meet him and I promise not to drool – at least not too much.)
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue May 7, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Practical and helpful negotiating advice I learned from my father
“Give a little, take a little, but don’t break up the game.”
We need each other and the best long term strategy for being someone wants to so business with is to be fair to others.
They deserve it and will appreciate the respect —and help the “game” keep going (and with you in it).
It takes more energy to be rude than pleasant. And is a sure indication that a sense if inferiority is masquerading as superiority.
You will go farther in life being average and kind than smart and condescending: Besides who wants to “play” with people like the latter category anyway?
Be a person who gives and little and takes a little and is in the game.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon May 6, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Re-thinking old assumptions and Prince Charming.
We go through life locked in to certain beliefs, goals and aspirations. That is fine but many of the beliefs we carry with us at ages 20,30, 40 and beyond are based on subconscious decisions we made when we were children. We adopted a belief about ourselves, the world and what we wanted to do in life and, in many instances, have never pulled out those beliefs and looked at them from an adult perspective. Maybe they were good assumptions we made about life and we decide, as an adult, to keep that belief. But others won’t be as sensible to our grown-up selves as they seemed when we were, say, age 10.
Think about Prince Charming. Ladies this is for you. We men are told that all women want to marry a Prince Charming.
I am now into my 21st year of marriage to my wonderful wife, Rebecca. She once told me when we were dating all women, including her, want to marry Prince Charming. I said, “Really? Think about it. Have you ever seen pictures of the guy? He looks boring and kinda like a dandy (this was before “metrosexual” was term).”
“Sure,” I conceded, “he was handsome but what would you talk about after the first date? Probably him. It would be all about him. You can tell by looking at him. Do you really want that?”
I honestly can’t remember anything else about that conversation. It probably ended then. My real goal was to set the bar much lower for me than Prince Charming so I could step over it. I did successfully set the bar lower. Whether I have stepped over it or not is a question only Rebecca can answer. But at least I’m not a “Dandy”
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri May 3, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
The next “Big Idea”
The most brilliant solutions are usually the most obvious. Mine is no exception. After you hear it, you will want to kick yourself for not thinking of it yourself.
I believe that given the extent of our national debt coupled with individual’s lack of retirement savings and the disappointing failure of multitasking to allow us to complete all of our errands and “action items” each day in our frantic wireless world that never turns off, we need a solution that is bold and “out of the box” — a “game changer,” if you will.
Here’s my idea to solve all these problems. It’s this generation’s Star Wars Missile Defense System. Only better.
We must use our best and brightest scientific minds to get an extension, as it were—via Mother Nature.
We need to slow the rate at which the Earth rotates. Not a lot. Just a little—so that it is barely noticeable after the first month or two (like in the 1970s when the speed limit was dropped to 55 mph to reduce our national usage of and reliance on foreign oil. Car pooling helped to.)
By slowing the Earth’s rotation to lengthen our days from, say, 24 hours to 27 1/2 hours, and our calendars from 365 days a year to 432 days a year, we will buy ourselves the much needed extra time we need to pay down the debt, put away adequate retirement savings, and finally get to check-off our entire “to do” lists including everything from that overdue oil changes to getting our dog’s nails clipped. And we’ll still have extra time left over for flossing, which we seem never to have time for in our current outdated 24/365 system.
Will it work?
I think the Japanese are already doing this and having quantifiable success. Retirement savings are up and cavities are down, per capita
We need to “catch up” and we aren’t able to “speed up” any more. Slowing the Earth to lengthen our calendars is the only thing that makes sense.
Who doesn’t love that feeling of getting an extra week to finish an major assignment you are behind on or moving a conference call you aren’t prepared for to the following week? This solution would do that for everything!
If this doesn’t work, the federal government will be left with no choice but to require the only beverage served in the US to be Red Bull–to speed us up artificially. And not only would that not work since most of us are already hopped up on caffeine, but drinking that much Red Bull daily is really bad for our teeth and causes gingivitis.
This “game changer” solution just makes good common sense! Not to mention political, economic , and dental sense.
Its brilliant but not a panacea. We should still encourage car pooling too. It can’t hurt.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu May 2, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
For my entire adult life whenever I would walk past a noisy bar with young intoxicated people and catch their eyes, I have always felt very intimidated—and dismissed —by the rowdy unrestrained “cool” types hanging out at places like that.
Until a few years ago, that is. I’m wearing a blue blazer and slacks and maybe even a tie. It’s not like I fit in. But I was thinking maybe I’m getting cooler with age I’m not as intimidated either. And my our eyes lock with these younger types, it doesn’t feel like they are being dismissive of me anymore.
I really liked the possibility that of the “I’m getting cooler with age” theory, until it happened again last night. And I looked a little deeper into the glazed over eyes of the 25 year old unshaven young man with tattered jeans and a hipster air.
His look of “respect” toward me wasn’t because he thought I was “cool.” It was because I reminded him of someone who could be his boss —and could fire him.
So, I’m not getting cooler with age. I’m just looking more like someone who could fire you.
And after letting that sink in a little bit, I decided, it was even cooler than being cool.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed May 1, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Thought for the day:Today I am going to have an attitude like the stick figures who work for the “Life is Good” clothing line.They always seem so happy and grateful –like they are having a good day.Not all day.
Because it gets old being line that all the time.
And, frankly, the overly-pleasant skinny skinny stick people get on your nerves after a while. It’s like being around a bunch of people who just discovered Prozac or something.
It’s not real.But for this morning , I am going to be like a “Life is Good” stick person.
By Lauren Mayer, on Tue Apr 30, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET
Last week’s speedy Congressional action, giving the FAA more flexibility to deal with sequestration-imposed cuts, was hailed by many as a great example of government functioning at its best. But I’m feeling a little like the little kid who insists the Emperor has no clothes – wasn’t the pain of those cuts supposed to be the point? I thought the idea was that if the impact were felt across the board, constituents would complain and Congress would act to find a less Dickensian way of resolving the budget disputes. But apparently that doesn’t apply to frustrated business travelers, or Congresspeople who want to get out of DC as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, do a google search on ‘heartless sequester cuts’ and it takes 0.41 seconds to get 5,310,000 results. (I was going to write ‘and you’ll get thousands of results’ but that sounded like an exaggeration so I did the actual google search – yes, the truth can be even more ludicrous than my imagination.) But of course kids in the Head Start program, homeless people, elderly cancer patients, furloughed federal clerical workers, etc., don’t have the political pull to get the pain of their cuts alleviated.
Don’t get me wrong – I travel frequently and I have spent many frustrated hours in airports coping with flight delays and missed connections, and it’s horrible. It also reminds me of how plane travel has deteriorated – I still remember the first time I went on a plane as a 7-year-old, flying with my family to see grandparents back east. My sister and I had new dresses for the occasion, white patent leather mary-janes, and matching little purses, and it felt so glamorous and chic. (And I’m not advocating going back to that – I still remember how itchy my dress was, and I’d much rather fly in yoga pants and sneakers than in the skirt suit, pumps, and girdle my mom probably had to wear.) (In case you missed last week’s column, or are too lazy to do the math, this was in 1966, not 1956 . . . and yeah, I walked uphill to school both ways, in the snow, in southern California . . . . )
But these days only a few privileged business travelers get anything close to a luxurious experience, and the rest of us shlumps not only have to suffer cramped seats and nonexistent service, but we get our noses rubbed in it because we always have to go through business class on our way back to steerage, adding insult to injury and fostering class resentment. (I’m always thrilled when I see a whiny toddler as I go through business class . . . )
Of course, you could claim that travel delays are the big equalizer, since even a first class ticket can’t help you if the flight is cancelled. But if the point of the sequester was to make the cuts so painful that everyone would suffer and we’d have to find alternatives, this latest Congressional move seems completely wrong-headed. Although it does at least show us that Congress IS capable of quick, decisive action – and fortunately it’s great fodder for comedians. (Granted, making fun of Congress is as easy as making fun of the Kardashians . . . and I’m not above either!)
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Apr 30, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
If you are almost 50 years old:
Go to a Starbucks where they don’t know you by name. Order whatever you would normally order. And here’s the prank part. Give them a fake name
In a few minutes your drink will be ready and they will alert you —not by your real name but some totally bogus fake name!
It’s hilarious and no one will know but you
OK. It’s totally lame and not funny at all. But it was a long line today at Starbucks slow service and I spent my time trying to think of a payback
I made up the name “Beauregard Brown.” And when the barista glanced up to ask the inevitable, I responded, “Please don’t ask if you can call me ‘Bo.’ I hate the nickname ‘Bo’….Oh, OK, you can use the nickname ‘Bo’ for my coffee cup.”
She thanked me and smiled like I had done her a great favor by not requiring her to write out the name “Beauregard” on my “tall” (which must mean puny in Seattle) coffee cup.
But tomorrow I will be ready. If it’s really slow service I will tell her I am from KY where we have a lot of hyphenated male first names, like mine: Buearegard-Bob. And let her try to write out the whole first name.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Apr 29, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Is my son simply growing up or am I being “downsized” and “strategically redeployed” in my own home?
Or both?
My son turned 19 yesterday.
I remember as a teenager my best friend and his father would wrestle with each other in their home. It was a way of interacting in a fun and friendly way but could also get intense at times.
My friend told me later that the intensity was caused by his father being challenged that he was being displaced as the “man of the house” or the “stronger man between the two” and that all fathers had ego challenges when this natural turning point occurred with a son. (His father was a psychologist so he got deeper explanations for things than I did)
I thought it made sense but assured myself I wouldn’t display such insecurities when I experienced this phenomenon with my son.
As I hugged my son good night last night, I noticed he was taller than me. Finally. I mentioned this to him and he said matter-of-factly, “Yeah, I know.” And didn’t show the slightest bit of remorse or need to reassure me of my dominant male role in the family.
I felt like asking him if he wanted to wrestle me. But just didn’t have the energy at that moment.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Apr 26, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
I remember as a child–maybe at about age 6 or 7 –my mom let me start brushing my own hair to get ready for school. I was proud of my independence signified by my responsibility for the hair on my head.
As I grew older, about ages 13-14, I graduated to a new level and had to start shaving my peach fuzz-like growth on my upper lip.
A year or two later, another step still— as I began shaving not only my entire lower face but shaving daily.
And then as I aged into my 20s and early 30s the next phase of follicular development: I began having to shave my upper neck daily too. And occasionally ask my wife to shave the back of my neck
And then….and then….
I still brush my hair, shave my entire lower face and upper neck and occasionally ask my wife to shave the back of my neck…but as I have moved into my 40s now additionally trim my eye brows every two weeks and even check my ear canals once or twice a month for errant hair growths.
