By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Oct 24, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
An important PSA (public service announcent)
It has been nearly three years since my unfortunate incident at Speedway where I was so absent-minded I left the gas pump in the gas tank and tried to pull away before the pump pulled out loudly and flapped around. No gas sprayed but it created a hard to explain spectacle before the manager kindly waived me away in a manner that said “Just please go to Thorton’s next time you need to fill up.”
 And yet three long years later –without incident–every time I get gas I relive this fear as I start to pull away.
Call it PTSDFLGPIGTADO (Post traumatic stress disorder from leaving gas pump in gas tank and driving off).
It is real. And, frankly, the acronym sounds even worse than I expected.
So, please, when you get gas, replace the gas pump before driving off. For the station owner. And for your own mental health.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Oct 22, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET  Click here to BUY MY BOOK! Two of my favorite books are The Bible and Musings from the Middle.
You are probably saying to yourself, “John, I know you wrote one of those books, right?”
Well, yes. I sure did. And thanks for remembering. (It was the latter book, of course.)
Now, I am not saying that the two books have anything even remotely in common. They don’t.
Is Musings from the Middle a great book? No. An important book? No. Not at all. A well written book? Not really. A good book? Not if you are sober while reading it. Is it even an insignificant book (as opposed to a book completely devoid of any substance)? Arguably but it is a very weak argument and, frankly, more of a frivolous musing.
But here’s the thing. The Bible has, I believe, 66 Books. And at times can get a little heavy trodding reading it. Wouldn’t it have helped to have had an extra book –just one–called “Musings?” If for no other reason just to break things up a little?
Maybe “Musings from Mathusula.” He lived a long time and would have had lots to muse about.
Imagine kids learning the books of the Bible. “Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Musings, Numbers, Joshua, Judges, Ruth.” It just flows, doesn’t it? OK, maybe not the first time you read it but conceivably it could grow on you over time.
Granted it is impossible to compete with Genesis and Exodus but most Biblical scholars would surely agree we could all use a mental break and a few laughs after Leviticus and before plowing into Numbers.
The Book of Musings wouldn’t teach anything. Just serve as a kind of a palette cleanser.
Well, an extra book of the Bible titled Musings is not going to happen. But you can still get the book Musings from the Middle, albeit completely separate from the Bible. And that is unfortunately probably the only way it will ever be sold.
And even though it wasn’t written by Mathusela people tell me I have Mathusula’s sense of humor.
Not really. I just made that up. But it is already a shameless sales pitch, so why not throw that in. Mostly I am just trying to get my sales rank on Amazon.com higher than 2000 times Mathusela’s age and figured since the Bible is selling so well…..
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Oct 22, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
 JYB Sr., JYB Jr. and JYB III circa 1972 My grandfather Brown was (and still is –posthumously 28 years later) the family patriarch. And for pretty good reason. He was very disciplined, accomplished, learned, pulled himself from poverty as the son of a tenant farmer to achieve renown as a trial lawyer and being in debt like most well-to-do people, and –most of all–was a character with a seeming limitless number of memorable stories about him. Many of them true.
A story my mother liked to tell about him was when she had just married my father she sat in on one of his biggest trials that year. It was a packed courtroom and when a crucial piece of evidence was admitted against his client, my grandfather said, “Judge, that is inadmissible according to KRE 802 (11).” This impressed everyone attending with his encyclopaedic memory of the rules of evidence.
Afterwards, my mom asked him, “Mr Brown, do you really know what KRE 802 (11) says?” And my grandfather responded, “No, honey. But neither does the judge.”
Love that story. Even if it isn’t true or entirely true. As Mark Twain said,
“Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Oct 18, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET Little help, please.
I just thought of an extremely wise and hilariously funny post.
But now, for the life of me, can’t remember what it was.
Please do me a favor and pretend like I posted it.
You know, just “like” it if you are inclined to like extremely wise abd hilariously funny posts.
And maybe a comment about how thoughtful and funny this post is.
And how you hope next time I don’t forget what I was going to say.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Oct 17, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET The 3% secret.
When you meet someone fir the first time and look them up and down, side to side, and even try peering into their soul (the shallow and deep ends) and get that awkward vibe that you only like about 3% of them, here’s the trick: Focus in and focus hard on just that 3% and somehow–almost magically–you will find another 3% that you like before the end of your first conversation.
And here is the bonus part.
If you meet someone new and at first glance only like about 3% of them, chances are good that they only like about 2.5% of you.
And by doubling the amount you like them by to 6%, that almost always doubles the amount they like you by to a full 5%.
Which gives them more things they like about you that they can focus on.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Oct 16, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET Bad cropping doesn’t mean a picture is useless.
For example, in this badly mangled cropping job, I get an idea of what I would look like in a Bhurka.
And reinforces that I should never try to wear one.
And I learn that my right eyebrow looks about a decade younger than my left and that I should favor my confident and younger-looking eyebrow the next decade until it catches up with the wiser-looking but withered left eyebrow.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET My surefire plan to end the government shut down.
Each member of Congress has at least one person who knows how to get them out of their stinky mood and coax them out after having locked themselves in their bedroom.
That’s right. It is “Mom.”
Someone needs to call the mother of each member of Congress and explain, “Remember when Rep. (blank) was growing up and would get mad and lock himself (or herself) in his room and threaten not to come out for days? Well…the reason I am calling is….that is happening again and as a matter of national security we really need your help. What sort of “tricks” worked for you to get Rep (blank) to unlock the door any come down to dinner?”
Maybe it is chocolate chip cookies, or playing dress up, or getting to stay up extra late, make fun of gay people, promising to time and listen to their “pretend” filibuster, or raising their allowance 10 cents a week if they would outline how wasteful their siblings were being with their allowance, or agreeing to play Dodgeball or Tag (you’re “It”)
It doesn’t really matter what works ….but finding that secret something that works for each member and then asking their chief of staff to try it on them again this week.
I think this is a pretty ingenious plan….that may just work. Once out of their rooms, we then need to remove the door locks so this can’t happen again.
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 I have been beating up on Congress the past few weeks, and that helps me vent a bit but isn’t very helpful.
On a more serious and somber note, I think we all are to blame for the shutdown. In a democracy, our elected officials are pretty much a reflection of the voters electing them. Again, I tried admitting my poor behavior in all this.
I mean….a democratic republic is a government based on the consent of the governed, right? In other words, if you want to know how we can expect our elected officials in Congress to behave, a good place to look is political debates on Facebook.
We are the people who hired them and they are mirroring us and we them. I am frustrated with Congress for the shutdown because I do think that is especially irresponsible. But it is important, in my humble opinion, that we as citizens/voters not wait and hope some elected leader is going to save us from ourselves.
We don’t live under a government system that operates that way. We have to save ourselves and improve how we cope with our own demands, wants and disappointments and differences from others—political and otherwise. As that happens, I believe, we will see an alternation in how Congress debates. Or more precisely, we will see a voting public that demands discussions that are more informed and mature and aiming to resolve questions within the realm of the possible. Maybe not.
I can’t say with a great degree of confidence this is how it works.
But that’s my take on it….and wanted try to explain best I could. I think the blame game from Dems to Repubs and Repubs to Dems and voters to Congress and Congress to voters and on and on and on…. is getting tiring to all and has about run it’s course. As Dr Phil might say, “How’s that working for us?” And as unpleasant as blaming myself can be, at least I feel like I have a little control.
That’s worth something… Just a parting thought for whatever it is worth. (Note: I was paid nothing for it so the market value for my opinion is, well, zero.)
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America is a great country with a great history of overcoming setbacks, defying our critics and beating the odds against us. We are at our best when things are at their worst.
Why?
Because at the nadir of that dark encompassing moment some inspired person steps up and leads–and leads almost instinctively and with renewed vision and passion.
We are at that point again. Somewhere last night, when members of Congress were caucasing with their party leadership –much like the scene in this video clip–I choose to believe one (or both) party’s experienced one of those soul-riveting moments.
It is “a call to leadership” when some courageous and articulate soul leads us out of our political wilderness and back into everything that makes America great. And that speech, whenever and wherever it happens, will surely look like this (see video clip).
Now, when you watch this clip through the lens of your own partisan biases– whether you see Bluto’s inspirational speech and imagine it is John Boehner or it is Harry Reid– it doesn’t matter. The important thing about this “moment” is that we know we are on the brink of it today….and someone in Congress will inspire others to join them for a higher calling…..like “The best damn night of our lives.” And succeed.
It’s what makes America great. (Warning: inappropriate language…but this is how Congressional leadership works and it can be gritty and ugly sometimes. But inspired too.)
By Lauren Mayer, on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 1:30 PM ET Right now the best hope for any solution to the Congressional stalemates over both the government shutdown and the debt ceiling seems to be a bipartisan effort spearheaded by Susan Collins and involving several other senators, mostly women. Which doesn’t surprise me at all. Many, if not all, of these female senators are mothers, and once a woman has dealt with the range of challenges from toddler tantrums to sullen teenagers with body odor, she can handle anything.
Years ago, I would illustrate that theory by imagining a mom tackling the Middle East – “Israel and Palestinians, if you can’t find a way to share the occupied territories, neither of you can play with them.” But these days it feels like that conflict pales by comparison to Washington DC. So how would my motherhood experience help me deal with the issues that have led to governmental gridlock? Well, for starters, many Republicans have cited public image as a key factor, i.e. “We won’t be disrespected.” Moms have moved way past that concern, once they’ve had a preschooler in a shopping cart say something embarrassing and loud to a packed grocery store. (Most of my friends dealt with things like “Why is that lady so fat?” or “Why doesn’t that man have any hair?” My personal humiliation was when my 4-year-old son announced loudy, “Mommy, you know how you said babies happen when a daddy plants a seed in a mommy? How exactly does the seed get there?”) So it makes sense that there are no women chiming in about how important it is that they save face.
Another issue raised by Republicans is their fear that once Obamacare is the law of the land, we won’t be able to repeal it because Americans will become “addicted to the sugar,” in the immortal words of Ted Cruz. That wouldn’t bother any mom who has given up trying to get her kids to eat anything but pizza, nachos and Dr. Pepper. (Or in my case, that even extends to my husband, to whom I had to explain that a bowl of Froot Loops didn’t count as a serving of fruit.) Or there’s the concern that by raising the debt ceiling, the GOP will lose its chance to ‘teach Americans a lesson’ about fiscal prudence. Most moms of teenagers have given up trying to ‘teach lessons’ – logical consequences often work best when we don’t plan them (like when my 17-year-old forgot to set an alarm on the day before school started, when he planned to do all his summer reading, so he slept til 4 p.m. It was a new personal record for him, but he also learned his lesson – which was to ask me to doublecheck he was awake, so okay, he isn’t totally on his own yet . . . . but I digress.)
Perhaps the biggest problem right now is the inflated language on both sides, comparing each other to Nazis, terrorists, etc. Moms know that yelling and name-calling don’t work (as tempting as they are), and often humor can be the best response. Plus we know that when our kids are young, they learn best when things are set to music, like the ABCs or the names of the states in alphabetical order (anyone who ever had to learn the “Fifty Nifty” song knows what I mean – I can’t complete a crossword puzzle without singing that song!). So here’s some humor, set to music, to explain why it might not be such a good idea to let the radical fringe take control of a party. (As one op-ed columnist noted, of course there are extremists on both sides, but there aren’t any Occupy Wall Streeters or throwing-paint-at-fur-coat-wearers-activists in Congress . . . )
“Join The Tea Party and &%@! The Facts”
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Oct 15, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET Twitter is kind enough to keep track for me if how many Tweets I have created, how many people on Twitter (fellow Tweeters) whom I follow, and how many of them follow me.
I wish Twitter would track a fourth category for me—one that I suspect would surpass the other three.
“Number of times my Twitter account has been hacked.”
And a fifth for number of people in Twitter who have told me I sent them a personal message claiming to have a funny picture of them.
That way at least two of my five categories would have impressively high numbers next to them.
; )
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Oct 14, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET If GPS’s had existed in the late 15th century, America may never have been discovered. Unless it was during a long “recalculating” message.
Today we celebrate the life of Christopher Columbus who sort of “discovered” America. But, let’s be real, Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492 in much the same way I “discovered” Indis restaurant at age 16 in downtown Louisville after I couldn’t… find McDonalds.
Columbus was an adventurous explorer sponsored by the Queen of Spain who helped supply several cool ships (or at least ships with cool names) and Columbus promised a group he would take them to India where they had great spices.
When I was 16 years old during my first week Central High School I had money in my pocket from the allowance my mom provided and a cool looking red Firebird car. I was adventurous and promised to take a group of other students “off campus” for lunch to the McDonalds on Broadway because we wanted a Big Mac (with “special sauce”).
Columbus got lost, probably because he didn’t have a GPS, and instead landed in America (or at least nearby) and later claimed he “discovered” it all by himself.
Likewise, I got lost since –like Christopher Columbus– I didn’t have a GPS at the time either, and instead of McDonalds found (i.e. “discovered”) a restaurant called Indi’s, a fast food ethic restaurant with “spicy” food. I parked nearby and we went in and I got barbequed rib tips. And they were delicious. After we got back to school word got out about my new “discovery” and other students wanted to go with me next time. And for my two years at Central I got credit among my friends for “discovering” Indi’s. Of course, I didn’t get to rename it. No need. It was already called Indi’s even though the name had nothing to do with Indians. I still like Indi’s a lot, especially the rib tips.
By contrast, Columbus thought he was in “India” and even named the people he found “Indians.” He eventually ate but didn’t get anything nearly as good as Indi’s barbequed rib tips, I’m guessing. But he did stumble onto what is today a great country. And today we are officially remembering his “discovery.”
So, Happy Columbus Day. And if you don’t know what to do to properly celebrate Columbus Day, may I recommend barbequed rib tips.
And if nothing else, let Columbus Day remind us that even if we find ourselves without a GPS system handy, not to worry. And just go for it, Columbus-like.
Who knows? We may “discover” a new country or at least a cool new ethnic restaurant.
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