I made a new friend today. An unknown number from Atlanta called and I excitedly answered to see who could be on the other end of the line. It was Portfolio Recoveries calling me today–not a long lost friend, as I had hoped– although they did act like they knew me well. In fact, they insisted I owed over them $9000 on two credit cards.

They offered no information about purchases or any other helpful details. And were just terrible at making pleasant small talk. They just kept asking me angrily “How are you going to pay for this?” and “You need to set up a payment plan– now!”

I insisted that they I have never owned either card and had no idea what they were talking about.

I must have been doing well with my answers because the angry person who called me told me she was going to let me speak to her manager.

I am guessing not everybody they call gets to do that.

The manager was clearly the manager. I could tell because he read from the exact same script but sounded both angrier yet also more sane than the first person I spoke to.

No disrespect to her but she just isn’t management material —yet. At least in the debt collection biz. Time will tell. She may make it there one day. But for now she is well placed as just the “initial contact” person.

I told her and “the manager” that I had to go but would call them back tonight.

They thought I was saying I would “call them back” like some people say but never do, for example, with a one night stand. I could tell they didn’t believe me–and couldn’t blame them. They were acting like a stalker girlfriend in high school calling me constantly, not wanting me to ever hang up the phone with them, probing into my personal financial business and God knows what else. I wanted to tell them I wasn’t currently involved with any other debt collection agencies but instead simply reassured them I wouldn’t leave them feeling like all we had was a single casual conversation by saying “I promise I will call you back tonight. Really. I swear.” I didn’t want them to think I was one of “those guys” who says he will call but never does.

So I did. At around 9:15pm

I got a new person this time. A sort of new friend who seemed really excited to hear from me—and, frankly, amazed I actually called back. It made me feel good inside.

We chatted for a while exchanging pleasantries and then after about seven and a half seconds she was back on the “How are you going to settle this debt?” topic…which I didn’t care much for and more and, frankly, was bored with from my earlier conversation that afternoon on this same topic.

So I said “Look, I am a lawyer.” That had no relevance to our conversation but I rarely ever get to say that to people and this seemed like a good opening to mention it. I wanted them to know that even though she was dealing with a clueless person who they claimed owed a debt they were trying to collect–that I did happen to have a law degree. My hope was that she would think I could use some sort of legal Jiu Jitsu to talk my way out of the supposed debt they were collecting and just give up after hearing my status as a “lawyer.” But, as it turns out, telling her she was unbowed. And after I told her I was a lawyer I couldn’t think of anything about that to elaborate on about staring down debt collection agencies. ” I thought about telling here a second time I was a lawyer just for the effect but figured it might come off as overkill.

There was an awkward pause after the lawyer comment and I filled up the silence by repeating again that I swore I really knew nothing about the two debts she was referring to. I even said, “I swear to God, I don’t know anything about these two credit cards.” I tried to make my swearing comment sound like legal jargon but it sounded more like a teenager who had been caught red-handed and was trying unsuccessfully to talk his way out of something.

Unconvinced of my innocence, she asked me again how I was going to “take care of this” and and after a pause asked me again. I said somewhat exasperated, “Uh. Well….I guess I’ll take care of it by not paying for it since its not my debt. I think that’s going to be how I’m going to handle it.” And I added, “And I would also ask that you all stop calling me. (At this point I could have been more polite and said, “Please don’t call me anymore about debt collection but if you want to just talk about personal things, sports, the weather and whatnot then that would be fine. But I didn’t. Frankly, I was starting to suspect we didn’t have that much in common anyway and I just wanted to get the false debt claim against me resolved.)

I said “There are a lot of John Browns out there, you know? Is there any chance you could have the wrong one?”

I asked for the address and birth date they had on file for “me.” I had never heard of the address she gave and; and as for the birth date, it turns out the John Brown they were looking for is 61 years old.

I assured her that wasn’t me and that I had never lived or had an office at the address she gave me—- and that no one had ever thought I looked a day over 50 before and I suggested she try harder next time to call and harass the right John Brown.

She finally agreed and conceded reluctantly, “It does appear we have the wrong John Brown –this time.” Maybe in a few years I will be the John Brown they are after—maybe when I’m 61–but I was the wrong John Brown this time.

I asked if she was going to offer me an apology for the heavy handed tactics, harassing calls, and offensive insinuations that I was lying.

She said she would have to check with her manager but didn’t offer one herself.

At first I thought that was a bit rude not to apologize but, on the other hand, I admired their commitment to protocol and procedure and the need to run it higher up into management chain before anyone could officially say, “Sorry we got insulted, offended and harassed the wrong person.” There is something about that discipline in any organization that you have to respect.

She told me she hoped that I had a nice evening and I wished her a nice evening as well. Both of us were sincere but I think mine was a little less formulaic and more genuine in my well wishes for the evening. And we hung up.

She seemed like a nice lady. She really did. And said earlier she would write me (by sending a certified letter to me about my debt —or something like that.) But I didn’t tell her I would call her back. I could have said that I would call her back to make it easier on both of us as we said goodbye, but I didn’t. Because I knew I wouldn’t likely call her again. She’s just not my type. Of debt collector, that is. And, besides, I’m just not that type of guy either.