By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Oct 6, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET  I just stopped for gas and the ATM at the Thortons on Shelbyville Rd and a guy who was driving a red pick-up truck with a concrete mixer in the back walked in behind me. He had long wavy dark hair and a mustache and beard and looked about 30 years old.
I thought to myself, “We got Jesus in the house!” and looked around for someone to tell. But I only caught the eye of a police officer who was watching me and simply nodded hello. I didn’t say anything to him about Jesus being in the back of the store in the soft drink section for fear of arousing suspicion.
But I stalled for time by buying some Tic Tacs I didn’t need so I could catch another glimpse of the man who looked like Jesus. As he walked peacefully toward me I smiled at him (Him?) and he serenely smiled back. I couldn’t help it, I said, “When you walked in I almost shouted at you, ‘Jesus? Is that you?’ and wanted to introduce myself….I have seen pictures of you at church.”
 He grinned broadly and started chuckling like I would imagine Jesus would grin at being recognized. I asked “Do you get that a lot?” He said he did and had someone stop him at Home Depot last week and ask if he would be interested in playing Jesus in a play.
Really nice guy. I told him I wish I had some fishes and loaves with me for him to multiply. He gave me a blessing sign with both hands and we said goodbye and I told him to have a nice day. (That’s right, out of habit, I told Jesus to “Have a nice day.” Like my wish for a good day would have any impact. What can I say? I was nervous.) He was just so approachable and seemed so kind.
Back inside my car I watched him drive away and, again, couldn’t believe the resemblence. Then as I looked at the pic I snapped with my phone I noticed a bright light aglow that seemed to project from his face.
I am not saying Jesus was really at Thortons off Shelbyville road this morning. I am just saying that if He was, He is a really cool guy.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Oct 3, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
We never stop learning.
This morning I learned that if I cut myself shaving to be sure not to make a nick so deep that it bleeds for 28 minutes. That is too long and just a bad idea generally.
I also learned that if I do cut myself badly shaving and tissue isn’t enough to stop the bleeding, an excellent alternative is a small article of clothing, like briefs. Hanes seems to be particularly effective. They are soft and very absorbant and last longer than a tissue. And you can… even take them with you if the bleeding hasn’t stopped and you have to get to work.
And, finally, I learned that if I cut myself shaving and am using a pair of underwear to stop the bleeding while driving to work, no matter how badly I want a cup of coffee, I shouldn’t walk into the coffee shop pressing a pair of men’s underwear against my face. It makes it hard to get good service.
Trust me on this last one.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Oct 2, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET I like making new friends as much or more than anyone I know.
But not on AT&T’s customer service line where I am hoping to get a quick resolution to a small and annoying phone issue.
Questions like “How is your day going so far?” and “How is everything else?” and “Are you enjoying your day so far today?” just don’t seem …spontaneous and, well…, genuine.
In fact, when I get disconnected and call back and talk to a completely different person, that new person, as fate would have it, asks me the exact same friendly questions about my day and me and the general state of my well-being. I am appreciative of these solicitous inquiries and I am always friendly in return —but I do try subtly to steer our conversation back around to the primary reason for my call which is mostly to get my phone working again.
I don’t mean to sound crotchety and think it is wonderful to be polite and friendly– especially with a stranger on a routine customer service call. But if you have to make regular calls to customer service, hearing the canned buddy chatter over and over can make you question how genuine the AT&T rep really is. Especially if you are trying to cancel a line you cancelled last month but continue to get charged for. And the rep tries to help out her new friend (you) by saying on three different occasions, “I noticed you are taking advantage of the Friends and Family Plan and I can’t recommend you cancel a line and I want to tell you about better options you are missing out on.”
Having a new friend is always a little awkward at first. You are just getting to know one another and when you have asked politely not to be sold a new line but just please cancel and stop charging for the line you cancelled last month, you tend to think a friend would understand. But I have found that my new AT&T friends don’t really “get” me when it comes to asking for their help. They tend to be what I would call “controlling.” They act like they know what is best for me better than I do myself.
And that does get annoying. Even between friends. Especially if my same new friend wants me to stay on the line at the end of our little chit chat to answer a bunch of questions about what a great job they did helping me (even if they really didn’t). Of course, I don’t ever say anything ugly in one of these question and answer segments about my new friend, but I can’t help thinking they are being a little self-absorbed —and needy. For a friend anyway.
Let’s just say I am sure glad that my non-AT&T friends don’t end our phone call conversations this way. And if they ever start, I may eventually begin giving them bad reviews for making everything “all about them” instead of just being a friend. Or acting like a good customer service rep.. Because that’s how real friends treat one another.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Oct 1, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Affirmation for the Day
Today I will be the dopest and illest me I can be.
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Is it just me or does Panera Bread coffee taste superisingly bad?
Just my opinon but I suggest they get rid of the current coffee guy and let the person who makes their pasteries start making the coffee too.
EDITOR’S NOTE: As always, John Y. Brown III is dead wrong. Panera hazelnut coffee is quite delicious. And superisingly is not a word. JYB III is a left-wing neo-con anti-Semitic Zionist anti-barista anti-dentite
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Oct 1, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET Even those of you not old enough to remember the 1960s have heard of the various counter-culture movements – anti-war demonstrations, hippies at Woodstock, ‘never-trust-anyone-over-30,’ and so on. (I was in elementary school, so I wasn’t old enough for any of the really wild stuff. My counter-culture activities were confined to teaching myself the guitar chords for “Where Have All The Flowers gone?” and macrame-ing myself a belt for my bell-bottoms. But I digress . . . )
Music, politics and comedy were also combined frequently, from The Smothers Brothers to Country Joe McDonald’s “I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-To-Die Rag” (the one he recorded at Woodstock, with the iconic refrain, “And it’s one, two, three, what are we fighting for?” – don’t feel bad, I had to look up the title and I was even alive when he wrote it in 1965. On the other hand, according to Wikipedia, he wrote it in 20 minutes. How’s that for making us all feel like slouches?)
Anyway, here’s my version of a protest song for modern times, inspired by the always-reliable Daily Show’s apt summary of our latest anti-terrorist campaign:
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Sep 30, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Tonight for the first time in my life –and at the considerable age of 51 — I bought and used “Product.”
For my hair.
The friendly and talkative hair stylist kept asking me what kind of “product” I used and I politely explained I had never used product before and wouldn’t need any, thank you.
But she persisted.
Finally, she had me pull out my phone and Google Patrick Dempsey (who is an actor and plays a character named Dr McDreamy in Grey’s Anatomy) and told me that with the right product I could look like him.
“His hair,” she clarified.
That was good enough for me.
So tonight I look like a doctor. Who doesn’t look like Patrick Demspsey. But who does look like he uses hair product.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Sep 29, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET 1) Childhood — “Welcome to my world, everyone else is just living in it.”
2l Teens — “I can’t believe I have to deal with this lame ass s***”
3) Young adult — “How will I ever find my place in the world –much less take it over?”
4) 30’s — “I think I can….I think I can”
5) 40’s –“It’s Mr Brown to you, son.”
6) Early 50’s — “………….What? Oh. Yeah,, I’m here.”
7) Late 50’s “Well, I may not have become President of the United States but I did make it to director of my division. Not bad. Not bad at all.”
8) 60’s — “Life is good. Not dead yet….hehe”
9) 70’s –“Not dead yet.” (But without the “Hehe”)
10) 80’s and over “Still not dead…but can’t believe that bastard down the street is still alive.”
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Sep 26, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
 This morning as I left a business meeting I spotted a long snaking line outside an ATT store as people waited for a chance to buy the new iPhone 6.
I self-righteously shook my head and muttered sarcastically to a guy snapping a picture of the line, “Wonder if any of those people would wait in line that long to talk to someone on their new iPhone?” We snickered condescendingly like adolescents and he responded, “Pitiful, isn’t it?” After he stepped aside, I snapped this shot myself and got in my car and left –off to do something more important than anticipating the new iPhone.
45 minutes later I was driving by a different ATT store and parked outside the store to do a conference call. After the call I had a few minutes to spare and wandered inside just to see what the new iPhone 6 looks like. The sales rep started pitching me and encourged me to hold the phone, which I did. He smiled at me, “Feels good, doesn’t it? Looks good, too.” I replied, “You are good….but I am just looking and not buying” and I scurried out the door.
Two hours later I had another meeting at the coffee shop by the ATT store in this picture. I got to the coffee shop about 15 minutes early and decided to stop inside ATT since there was no line and because I wanted to just “look” at the new iPhone one more time.
As I stared at the display model and was about to touch it a sales rep interrupted me and asked if I would like to get one and said they still had a few in stock.
“Probably just in white, though. Right?” I said discouragingly.
“Actually we have a few silver and black models left.”
I pointed to my watch and said, “Thanks anyway but I have to meet someone in 15 minutes and don’t have time to get a new iPhone today even if I wanted to and had the extra money.”
“Fifteen minutes is plenty of time” the sales rep assured me, “and under our new plan you don’t pay anything down and only a monthly fee of about $30.”
“Really?” I responded dumbly.
Twelve minutes later I walked out of the ATT store with a new iPhone 6. And I felt good about myself and happy to be an “early adopter” as they call it. As I walked toward the coffee shop I looked back where the line had been this morning –the line that I had smugly taken a picture of to post in Facebook later tonight to poke fun at people who seemingly had nothing better to do today than make sure they got the new iPhone the day it went on sale.
But I didn’t do that. I did post the picture—but posted it because even though I am not standing in that line in the picture, I might as well have been. In fact, I was worse. I doubt any of those eagerly waiting in line this morning went to three stores before buying their phone. And they were happy, not ashamed, to admit their enthusiasm.
Fortunately for me I don’t think anyone in this picture bothered to snap a photo of a smirking guy standing a few yards away taking a picture of them— and then post the picture of me on Facebook under the title “Pitiful.”
They had better things to do.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Sep 25, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET  This is my first “Apology Form” to Rebecca and I checked “Other” for the reason for bad behavior –and wrote I was merely “creating a growth opportunity” for Rebecca.
Rebecca appreciated the effort and felt like it was “a start.”
And asked if I got several pads of Apology Forms for the future.…
Rebecca also noted I put down the wrong date (11/13). I told her I would fill out a new form with the correct date and to just hold on to this one for me to use in mid-November.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Sep 24, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
Theological question:
If you say something to someone at church that is supposed to be humorous –and only moderately inappropriate –and the other person sighs, shakes his head, and says he will pray for you, is it OK to tell him you prefer he didn’t because “I don’t want God to know we are friends”?
(Note: I did not say this. But thought to afterwards and may try out the line some time. I tend to get this comment a lot.)
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Remember when you felt as excited about the iPhone 5 as you do today about the iPhone 6?
And thought you always would?
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The Recovering Politician Bookstore
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I just stopped for gas and the ATM at the Thortons on Shelbyville Rd and a guy who was driving a red pick-up truck with a concrete mixer in the back walked in behind me. He had long wavy dark hair and a mustache and beard and looked about 30 years old.
