Musings from the Middle

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: People Watching and Perspective

By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Feb 17, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

People watching from the parking lot of the Holiday Manor Starbucks reminds me of people watching from the parking lot of Ballard High School–35 years ago.

I think patrons of this Starbucks try harder to project a certain “image” –in a high school-esque way–than other Starbucks in town.

People watching from the parking lot of the Heine Bros on Frankfort Ave reminds me of people watching from the parking lot at Central High School –35 years ago.

I think the patrons of this Heine Bros try harder to project a certain “anti-image” —in a high school-esque way–than other Heine Bros in town.

And people watching from the parking lot of Panera Bread off Brownsboro road reminds me of where the parents of the kids from Ballard and Central would have gone for coffee after dropping their kids off at school in the morning—35 years ago–and is just creepy to even think about doing. But where I find myself going this morning.

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Diet Updates

By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Feb 14, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

Into week 5 of diet/fitness regime and down 13 lbs and 2″ in waist.

Without even holding in my stomach.

Very much.

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So what do you do when you are on a diet (and really committed to it) and are craving your favorite sandwich at Steak & Shake, a Frisco Melt, just as you are approaching a Steak & Shake restaurant?

And look up the calorie count and find out it has 1173 calories?

You suck it up. Feel the pain. And keep on driving.

And realize a piece of you just died.

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Colonel Sanders

By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Feb 13, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

I fully support YUM and think they are a great company and corporate citizen. But the other night I was parked across from a KFC restaurant and for several moments couldn’t stop staring at the logo rendering of Colonel Sanders.

It just wasn’t the way I remember the Colonel looking. I’m no Colonel Sanders expert and only met him a handful of times…But something about this logo image bothered me. This man pictured in the logo looked pleasant, harmless, bland, and a little metrosexual. Frankly, he looks more like a Walmart greeter (no offense to Walmart greeters) than one of the century’s great restauranteurs and entrepreneurs.

And the Colonel often mumbled to himself while deep in thought about his exacting standards about whatever he was doing…..and never would have said something like “Today tastes so good.”

Colonel Sanders, as I recall him, was kind-hearted and generous but could be gruff at times, too. He always seemed like a proud and determined man, He was in many ways an artist. A perfectionist who demanded from others what he gave.

And he seemed to enjoy life. Seemed to suck out the marrow, in his own way, as Thoreau wrote.

When it was time for me to leave the parking lot the other night, I pulled away slowly and stared again at the image of the Colonel on the KFC logo.

And decided if the new made-up image of the Colonel could meet the real Colonel, there’s a good chance the real Colonel may have taken a swing at him –and told him to get that silly grin off his face and for he and his apron to back in the kitchen. And probably given up on him ever looking as dignified as the man who came up with the 11 secret herbs and spices and left his unmistakable imprint–including his unique and distinctive appearance — on the world.

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Combatting Upsellers

By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Feb 12, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

At age 50 I am able, by and large, to order meals and shop like a “big boy” without always forgetting to add two or three additional items.

In fact, I always finish my orders with “And that will do it. Thank you.” to discourage any attempts to upsell me. But it never works. My full, well-considered and complete decision– made by a grown man–is ignored and always challenged as not well thought out and missing at least a side order of fries or the days special or a stick of chapstick at the checkout counter or an extra warranty in case what I am buying doesn’t work.

To combat this assault on my judgment, I am going to start ordering or bringing to the check out counter two or three extra items. After my order has been taken or charges rung up, and just at the moment I am about to be upsold, I am going to say, “You know, after some reflection, I don’t think I need the extra calories in those fries, please take that off my order.” Then after pausing add, “Tell you what, I really shouldn’t get that apple turnover either. It is unhealthy and they usually are cold anyway.” And keep going until the poor person at the register gives up on me for an upsell.

Same at retail stores. I will bring an extra two or three items to check out and then “down sell” myself. “You know, I won’t ever use these socks, let’s take that off my purchase, please.” And “Let me pass on the sun glasses, too. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess like most adults I just can’t competently shop for myself” –and then laugh self-deprecatingly while looking confused and helpless.

I want to adopt this practice until I am even for all the attempts to upsell me. Which will take me about 15 years. Actually, only about 13 years. Well, I am going to say just 10 years. Let’s actually just make it just 8 years.

And, no, I don’t need an 8 year warranty with that decision.

Get the idea?

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Flossing

By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Feb 11, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

Find yourself in a hole? Then keep digging. Or flossing.

That is often my philosophy and never serves me well…but I keep doing it anyway.

Today I was trying to floss after lunch with a new dental floss, Oral-B. I didn’t floss for the last 35 years even though I would tell my dentist I was flossing “some” every time he would ask “Have you been flossing, John?” —but now I am flossing.

But this new Oral-B floss broke off between two of my teeth–and part of the floss actually got stuck between my two teeth. And then kept breaking every time I tried to “floss out the floss” that was now stuck between my teeth.

My first brilliant idea was to double-over the floss to fortify it. That seemed like it might work but after much careful and strenuous effort, the “doubled-over” floss broke, too, leaving yet a larger piece of dental floss now stuck between the same two teeth.

But I hadn’t finished digging yet.

Before I took up flossing with real dental floss, I found packets of sugar (or packets of a sugar substitute) worked well as a flossing mechanism. So I picked up a packet of Splenda nearby to try to wedge out the two pieces of dental floss now stuck between my teeth.

And now have two pieces of dental floss and a corner of a packet of Splenda stuck between my teeth.

I think I will fish out the piece of a Splenda packet and leave the floss for when I go to the dentist next time –and just wait patiently for him to ask me the inevitable “Have you been flossing, John?”

I’ll be ready! And won’t have to say a word.

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Obama on Pot?

By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Feb 10, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Mind Tricks

By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Feb 7, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

Mind tricks to help me regain my perspective.

I always worry on Sunday nights about the work week ahead.
The worry and anxiety of things to do and things undone start seeping in until they start to trickle and then flow to the point of being almost overwhelming.

When I get to that point, I play a little mind game with myself. I like to ask myself What if several abductors burst into my home right at this very moment and stormed into my office and kidnapped me and took me to some dark basement in the middle of nowhere where I couldn’t have access to wifi, what would happen in the larger scheme of things? In other words, if I couldn’t text any business associates, return emails to any clients or do any scheduled conference calls all week next week, what would happen?

And then I remind myself that probably the only noteworthy thing that would happen is that by this Friday my captors would be so sick of my constant jokes and rambling stories and irritating personal questions and odd ideas about life and requests for coffee with real half & half and Splenda at all hours and my endless proposed “deals” to bargain my way out of my captive state, that my captors would agree that it wasn’t worth kidnapping me and they would decide to return me to my home unharmed.

And I’d only miss out on one week of work.

And just running through that mental scenario helps relax me and get my perspective back by reminding me that –worst case scenario–I’ll still get everything done and be no more than a week late delivering it.

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Random Thoughts

By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Feb 6, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

You know when you are at a social gatherings and talking to someone you just met and you feel you’ve got nothing else to say and sense they feel the same way?

Wouldn’t it be great if one of you could just say,

“Well. I don’t have anything else to say to you and am going to stop talking to you now and go talk to someone else.” And just leave.

I think that would be pretty cool. And appreciate hearing the clear-cut termination of our conversation.

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Have you wanted to give yourself “the finger”?

I have. And would.

But when that feeling of self-disgust comes over me I can never figure out how to properly do it without a two-way mirror and one is never handy.

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“Do you want me to just drop everything and do whatever it is you are asking me to?”

Whenever I get this question, I have to try very hard not to say, “Yes, I sure do! Thank you!”

Because I have learned– over time— that isn’t the correct answer. In fact, as it turns out, it’s not even a real or serious question.

On the other hand, I have never asked that question…..because I know already what the likely answer is going to be.

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Things you think about at 50.

Poet Robert Frost famously wrote that he “took the road less traveled by” and said that had made “all the difference.”

But I wonder now if later in life he still felt the same way. Or wished he’d taken the more mainstream and conventional path that would have helped him prepare for retirment better.

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Ever had one of those days when you think to yourself,

“It would be possible to have only 364 days in a year and not lose anything in productivity?”

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I would like to send out a personal, heartfelt and enthusiastic “Thank You” to whomever invented the term “Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow” is that hypothetical time in the future that never actually arrives when I schedule all my unsavory tasks so I can enjoy today.

Pure genius! Thank you!

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Rudyard Kipling’s “If”

By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Feb 5, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

My grandfather Brown’s favorite poem was “If” by Rudyard Kipling.

He memorized it and quoted from it often, especially when encouraging someone to seek wisdom and perspective in the midst of a difficult situation.

When I turned 13 my father gave me a framed copy of the poem for my birthday present. Like most boys on their 13th birthday, a framed copy of the poem “If” wasn’t what I was hoping for…. But I’m glad now I got it –and

I still have it. I hung it in my bedroom through high school and college and as an adult hung the poem in my office.

When my son was about 13, I gave it to him and it is now hanging in his bedroom. It’s a pretty good poem. With some excellent life advice:

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master; If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Luminosity Loneliness

By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Feb 4, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET

After much deep and reflective thought, I have decided not to sign up to use the widely advertised online IQ enhancer, Luminosity.

Luminosity apparently trains your brain and makes you much smarter. Well, that sounded pretty good to me. And Lord knows I could use a few extra IQ points.

But after thinking it through with my God-given brain, I have concluded that if I use Luminosity to improve my brain and IQ, I will lose all my friends with less than genius IQs (and that would be all my friends, except one, who I frankly don’t care much for). These friends I would lose like me because I am forgetful and disorganized and earnest and apologetic and hapless and like joke about it all.

I fear I will lose all my friends and they won’t like me anymore if I become some super-brainy guy who knows all the answers to Jeopardy —and seems to be much smarter than all the other people (who don’t use Luminosity).

I wonder if anyone has done a study on the impact of the alienation from friends that Luminosity has caused its users?

I am not waiting around for such a study. Common sense tells me it’s not worth the trade-off. I’d rather not be a Luminosity super-genius than lose all my friends! And I am not changing my simple non-luminous mind about that!

I sure hope my friends appreciate this sacrifice when I tell them about it….and don’t all start using Luminosity themselves and leave me behind!