By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Jan 1, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET “If we are going to survive this, you need to remember, fear is not real. It is a product of the thoughts you create. Now do not misunderstand me; danger is very real. But fear is a choice.”
–Will Smith, as a Dad to son in an upcoming survival sci-fi movie
I liken dating in the modern world to sci-fi survival in this sense. There is a lot of fear but not nearly as much danger as it would seem. People talk about the fear of meeting an axe murderer, but statistically speaking that is not likely. Getting rejected, on the other hand, is par for the course. So is succumbing to fear of rejection based on real danger or just a choice? And how do we determine where the line is?
Heartbreak is real. For some, it can be debilitating. But in dating, if you’re the one doing the rejecting and you’re never the “rejectee,” then you’re probably not aiming high enough. In true love situations, I believe that both people feel lucky. Both feel that their date is a little out of their league. And so it’s so exciting when it really happens. And so gut-wrenching when it crashes and burns.
My New Year’s resolution is to know the difference between danger and fear and to choose against fear. This is not easy; I may need some help. My stomach is no help- it would steer me away from everything. My mind is no help. I would obsess until the window of time had passed. My shame is no help. I’m letting go of shame. But acting shamelessly can sometimes leave me to embarrass myself or piss people off. Just ask the Gallaghers on Showtime.
My grammar auto-correct is green-lining “I may need some help.” Is that because I should be more sure about my needs? If I need help, it should be a definite. Maybe I don’t need help. Maybe I just need grit and determination. I also need a healthy dollop of faith, which is hard to come by these days. Luckily I have a reserve of faith that I saved for a rainy new year’s day, like a special bottle of wine in my cellar. Do have a faith cellar?
 Try to find yours. Actually do not try. As Yoda says: “Try there is not. Do or do not.” Every time the universe throws you a bone- like a great date with someone who lives in another country- hold onto the good faith. Let go of the guy. Keep the faith perfectly chilled in your faith cellar until you find yourself in need of reserve. Thank the universe for giving you a taste of what is to come, rather than cursing the universe for taking it away. There’s more goodness where that came from, if you can choose against fear.
This year, make it your resolution to get rejected as much as you can. The more times you are rejected the closer you are getting what you seek. In sales, they say: “Every no leads you closer to a yes.” That is, if you can learn from your failures and improve. Do not seek perfection (that is foolish), but aim high. Disappointment comes when it comes, and it sucks as it always does. The fact that you didn’t get your hopes up doesn’t really make it better. You have to get your hopes up if you want anything good to happen. It’s your dream- make it big.
When I had my dating-café Drip and it reached its height of popularity circa 1997, customers said to me: “I’ll bet you never imagined your place would be like this!” And I was thinking: “Of course I imagined it- or it would never have happened!” I didn’t say that- I was trying to be polite. And I think that I had suppressed the fact that I had been terrified that it wouldn’t turn out how I imagined. I guess it’s like the pain of childbirth—we are programmed to forget that fear or we would never endure it again.
Read the rest of…
Nancy Slotnick: New Year’s Resolution — Be Fearless
By Jonathan Miller, on Mon Dec 31, 2012 at 9:15 AM ET 
#TeamRP:
LESSON #24 from my fitness training Josh Bowen as part of my fierce and ferocious fitness challenge with #TeamJYB3:
Wearing a garbage bag while exercising does NOT necessarily help you lose weight. But it certainly makes you look stupid.
Or alternatively: Don’t follow the fitness advice of a mentally unstable movie character, even if he is being portrayed by the Sexiest Man Alive. (But go see Silver Linings Playbook — it’s terrific!)
 Or perhaps, Jonathan, I knew Bradley Cooper. I’ve seen a lot of movies with Bradley Cooper. Jonathan, you’re no Bradley Cooper.
By Jonathan Miller, on Fri Dec 28, 2012 at 3:00 PM ET 
#TEAMJYB3:
#TeamRP calls me a rascal for sending him a gift basket of Kentucky candy for the holidays.
In the middle of our weight loss competition.
I apologize I’m just getting to the accusation now….I have been AWOL today and just now getting in. Loads of work to catch up on.
But my chief priority is victory over you in our weight loss competition.
To paraphrase Malcolm X, I will assure victory “By any means necessary.” I believe he may have used that phrase originally in a weight loss competition with MLK Jr but I may have my historical events confused.
Point is, in war, there are no rules. Just more candy baskets.
I’m glad you enjoyed the gift basket. But don’t think of it as mere gift “basket” (singular)
Think of it as more of an Advent Calendar. But an Advent Calendar that ends on the day you concede I win and you lose. I mean, that you concede that I lost more. I mean that you concede that in a competition to lose, I lost more. Or, whatever, you know what I’m trying to say.
Watch your mail. Daily!
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#TeamRP:
J’ACCUSE AGAIN!
I did NOT call you a rascal.
Here’s what I said (try this link for the full post):
John Y. Brown, III is a dirty, cheating snake-in-the-grass. As well as a kind and generous friend.
 A “rascal” is a cute little freckled boy with funny hair.
And by the way, you got the whole civil rights controversy wrong.
Malcolm X did most definitely not challenge MLK, Jr. to a fitness competition.
He challenged Gandhi.
And guess who won that won, SUCKA?!?!?!?!?
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 28, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET iSoap
We so live in an iWorld. iPads with iTunes and iPhones with iNews (the news as I want to read it).
The 70s were called by se the Me Decade. But the 2010 will likely be known as the iDecade.
Why do I say this?
I just left Walgreens because I was out of “Body Wash.”
I know. Look….I had used soap for 48 years and it worked fine . But soap wasn’t personal enough for me in our new iWorld. So when I was offered a chance to switch to something hipper and cooler sounding , like “Body Wash, ” I went for it. In retrospect, I was simply at a weak and susceptible point in my bodily hygiene regimen. But mostly looking for something more tailored to me and my generation than an old fashioned bar of soap could provide.
 But I find myself standing in Walgreens tonight and taking over 5 minutes to pick out the “right” body wash for me–because now there are too many choices. There is Relax, Energy, High Energy, Sensitive, Vibrant, Extreme Comfort, Secret Wonderland, and many, many others.
And I think I picked the wrong one now to fit my mood tomorrow morning. I thought I would feel “vibrant” but now worry I may feel like “secret wonderland” –and I don’t have the right body wash for that mood.
Which made me wonder if maybe I never should have given up that simple yellow bar of Dial soap I used for 48 years.
Life was so much simpler prior to the iMovement.
By Jonathan Miller, on Thu Dec 27, 2012 at 1:00 PM ET
#TEAMRP:
Just a few minutes ago, I returned to my office from my slightly extended Christmas holiday to find a huge brown UPS box on my desk.
After I dug through the styrofoam baubles, I pulled out the beautiful “Taste of Kentucky” gift basket pictured at left. It’s filled with delicious Kentucky Proud treats: Red Hot Roasters organic coffee, a box of Simply Kentucky Fudge, a gift bag of Bauer’s Modjeskas, a Blue Monday candy bar from Ruth Hunt, and my favorite — a Derby Pie: basically, a pecan pie with chocolate chips and a hint of bourbon.
Probably my monthly allowance of calories in one basket.
While I am in the midst of a fitness challenge against #TeamJYB3, it is always important to take a break from a diet every now and then, especially during the holiday season. Calculating the calories of just a few bites of the Derby Pie, I remembered that I hadn’t found a note identifying the kind, generous soul who would send me such a thoughtful gift.
I rooted through the box and found the card that had been displaced. Check it out after the jump:
Read the rest of…
#TeamRP vs. #TeamJYB3 Fitness Challenge: J’ACCUSE!!!!
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Dec 27, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET Thought for the day.
A friend admonished me for not planning well. She’s right. Up to a point.
The keys to any plan are to 1) plan ahead; 2) plan strategically and 3) execute that plan flawlessly.
If you can only do two of those three things, pick planning strategically and executing flawlessly. You don’t have time for the most thoughtful plan, but a strategic plan developed on the fly is better than no plan at all.
If you can only do one, there’s not much of a point. You could choose executing flawlessly a non-plan but that’s not really possible. You could choose creating a strategic plan but if you can’t execute it, what’s the point? And you could plan to plan, but why bother?
However, if you are a “planner” and can only choose one, you’ll probably choose one anyway because planners like the illusion of being organized and often-times like to simply plan for planning’s sake. And that’s fine. If you are one of these types and not very flexible, pick whichever one of the three makes you most feel like you are actually doing something constructive and “planning” —since they are all equally useless. At least you’ll feel better about yourself and be less frantic about your non-plan.
On the other hand, if you can’t do any of them at all (and are cool with that), find me and we’ll hang out and find a way to have a better time than those crazy planners,
Just to spite them.
Of course, we don’t really want to spite them because we’ll eventually need their help in getting a ride back to wherever we started since we didn’t plan on having a car or write down the address of where we were staying or where we are going. So if you aren’t a planner, at least keep a planner nearby.
Always.
By Josh Bowen, on Thu Dec 27, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET
I have written several blogs and articles on the importance of strength training, particularly as it relates to women. I have documented the reasons why women should pick up the weights. However, for some reason, some people don’t get it. Some think they are a genetic marvel that if they look at a 40 lbs. dumbbell that their quads will expand and it will prevent them from wearing pants. Remember this; any man that works out would love for that to be their problem. I wanted to take the time to profess that Strong is the New Skinny
To back up my claim for those non-believers let’s look one strong hormonal difference between men and women:
 Testosterone– this hormone has a huge impact on muscle tissue growth (as well as other interactions in the human body). Men, on average, will produce 20 times more testosterone than women. This of course will determine the amount of muscle tissue a person can grow. That also is not to say women cannot build muscle, it just means you cannot build as much or as fast as a normal man.
So I bring this up because I firmly believe that strength training is as important, if not more important, for women than it is for women. Let’s look at those reasons:
- Decrease in Body fat- women who strength train will naturally have less body fat than those that don’t. That looks good! Its ok to have a little muscle J
- Increase in Bone Mineral Density- Women are more susceptible to osteoporosis than men and strength training helps combat that. The loading of the bones causes the bones to become stronger and increases the density, warding off brittle and weak bones
- It is great for your health- Research has shown that women that strength train are in better overall health than those that don’t. So pick up a weight and start going at it!
Read the rest of…
Josh Bowen: Strong is the New Skinny
By Lisa Miller, on Wed Dec 26, 2012 at 1:30 PM ET “Yes, how did we get here? It behooves us to remember that others had to come before us slowly, slowly, slowly, each one living her life within the parameters of her era, painfully inching forward. “
I love the contribution of women in the arts! I watched an interview of Kerry Washington and Shanda Rhimes with Oprah yesterday, and I was inspired. What phenomenal women.
Kerry Washington is the first black woman to star in her own television drama in 40 years; only one other woman held this T.V-first before her. It was the 70’s in a show called, Get Christie Love!, starring Teresa Graves. This is surprising but as I think about all the shows I have loved, not one has featured an African American woman in a leading role.
In her ABC drama, Scandal, Kerry is a kick-ass “fixer”: part lawyer, part P.R expert, part White House crisis manager, and part clean-up-the-dead-bodies-mess go-to-person.
 It turns out that art imitates life here fantastically! Finally, a black woman playing the dynamic role typically represented by men in our culture; but it’s Judy Smith, the real life former White House staffer on whom this character is based that makes this depiction special. Now in private practice, Smith is a crisis manager handling high profile cases that never seem to end. (see JudySmith.com and the recent Petraus case among many. She rocks.)
Struggling toward freedom in the movie Djengo Unchained, in theatres just this week, Kerry Washington takes women back a 150 years as she plays a supporting role as an American slave. While we might be used to the fact that actors have depicted the era of slavery for decades on the screen, what we tend to forget I think, is that African Americans were considered by constitutional standards at that time, to be just 3/5’s human.
 Kerry Washington This is a hard pill to swallow. And so, this historical truth juxtasposed with the accomplishments of North American women today, like Judy Smith, is astounding.
I was moved during Washington’s interview when she said that the character she plays in Scandal: respected, empowered, intuitive, brilliant, stands on the shoulders of the profoundly oppressed women who came before.
Yes, how did we get here? It behooves us to remember that others had to come before us slowly, slowly, slowly, each one living her life within the parameters of her era, painfully inching forward.
I think about this a lot, but I also forget this truth when I get wrapped up in all my first-world problems that seem so profound in the moment.
 And of course I gain perspective as I think about what it means for my daughters to grow up with first-world problems. Compared to what our foremothers endured, and in the general context of how far women have come, I thank God for these first-world problems!
Finally, an additional snippet of conversation from this interview that resonates in my heart is about abundance. Oprah asked Kerry what it means to her to be one of the first to represent black women on network television in this way especially when so many others vied for the coveted role. Her answer: “If I succeed, I create the opportunity for more people to succeed. I am honored to rise to this challenge.” Her competitors’ responded, “Do us proud.”
I am white, educated, middle-aged, and this forward motion, shoulder-standing celebration represents me too—represents all of us.
Thank you grandmothers, great-grandmothers, great-great-great grandmothers, we are all honored and blessed that you have cleared a path for us.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 26, 2012 at 10:00 AM ET
#TeamJYB3:
My New Year’s New Dietary Math Resolution.
Or what dieters can learn from economists
“Constant dollars” is terms describing income after adjustment for inflation, as opposed to “Actual dollars.”
Inflation (monetarily speaking) is about 2-3% a year. Weight increase follows a similar metric throughout life.
So, for example, if someone weighs, say, 190 pounds and gains, say, 4 pounds for the year….when adjusted for weight inflation, there is no “net” weight gain.
In terms of “real pounds” Sure, there may be some additional “actual pounds” but those have to be accounted for properly and haven’t been by most dieticians in the past—who obviously lack an understanding of econometrics.
 So, for example, this year, I actually lost one pound (when adjusting for inflation). I’m not commenting on “actual pounds” because they are no longer relevant to a more realistic and obviously much more sophisticated understanding of human weight measurement.
====
After spending the first three weeks of my diet traveling and celebrating the holidays, I got ready to weigh myself.
Stepped on the scales.
And decided that “It could be worse” should actually be result that should register on my scales .
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Dec 24, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET Context is the thing.
“Life is so much better in proper context. Fairer, funner, more Gracious. Just better all round.”
A quick comment I just made to a friend but like a lot because so many of our daily issues aren’t so much problems but misunderstood situations because we view them out of context–where we are the victim, the one getting the short end of the stick, the injured one, the one singled out, the worst ever luck, and so and so on and on.
Fact is next time you feel this way and say to yourself, “Why me?” The answer is probably, “Why not you?”
I mean, ever heard of sharing?
I joke…but think of it that way. Everybody has to take there turn in the barrel, as a friend of mine likes to say. I’m not sure where that saying comes from, but I like it a lot. Heck, lean to enjoy rolling around in a barrel if that’s the case. Or just sit still until it safe to come out.
The point something I said to a friend years ago who was listing their bad luck litany to me. I said, “Sadly, the most unfair thing in life is that we usually get about what we deserve.”
I don’t think my friend understood what I was trying to say. But it was to step back a little. See our life in context.
It’s probably not going as bad as we think…and there’s a lot of good stuff we are missing out on because we are hyper-focused on the tiny bubble of paint dried in the corner of the door that we don’t see the gorgeous paint job most see when they walk up to the door.
And that–even worse–we are failing to walk through the door we are standing in front of.
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