The New CEO [ButterSafe]
Lights [InvisibleBread]
Fill ‘er up [Jim Benton]
Up Goer Five [xkcd]
The Goblin King [Pandyland]
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The Politics of Laughter
For the past week my iPhone has regularly refused to send forward emails I have attempted. Instead, I receive a message that the message is being stored because it is being rejected by the server. At first I figured it was Apple just buying time to transmit messages. I realize they are busy and just had an avalanche of new messages after releasing the iPhone 5. But by the third day of blocking my emails, I became suspicious that Apple had a detection device that refused to send emails not up to snuff. I retread my dozens of “stuck” emails and although they weren’t my best work, they weren’t so poorly written that they should have been prohibited by Apple. By the 5th day of blocked emails I began to wonder if all the people I email were complaining to Apple about my incessant emails and requested a a week moratorium. And today, Day 7, as my first few emails are blocked, I am beginning to wonder if a lot longer than a week has been requested You are going to want more cow bell with that laptop. Years ago in my MBA class I remember learning that the extra warranties that a certain unnamed tech store was offering customers had an 80% profit margin. They got sued and changed their policy—in part. But since then I have never been able to bring myself to purchase one of these. You know the ones. You buy a new laptop and for another $150 the store provides an extended warranty on top of the manufactures warranty. It’s always an awkward moment for me when I get to that point with the sales clerk. I know it’s coming. “Sir, have you heard about our extended safety coverage opportunity? It’s a great deal…” I usually stop them and act like I don’t have the authority to make such an executive decision (either in my home; or my business, which I own). I say something like “I need to run it by my firm and let them decide. But not right now.” But last night I had an unusually pushy sales clerk. After my standard response he said, “No. You can’t wait. It’s pretty much a point of purchase opportunity and that’s it.” I shook my head and said, “I understand. I’ll just pass for now.” And then after a pregnant pause I heard, “May I ask why you are not taking advantage of this offer? It’s really smart to do.” “Huh?” I thought to myself. “Is he calling me stupid? Do I have to justify everything in the store I’m not buying today? Gee. Seems a little heavy handed. What could I say that would be clever but also make this point? Hmmmm. How about, “Look. I’m gonna come clean with you. I’m an idiot and need you to explain the warranty to me really slowly so I can understand this time.” Or, “Look, I’m an adrenaline junkie and love to try to beat the odds in every area of my life—but especially with Bungie Jumping and with laptop warranties.” And then I settled on it. “I think —if I hear you correctly—what you are trying to say….is to tell me, ‘Dude, you are going to want more cow bell. Am I right?” Hinting that the “good deal” warranty was about as helpful as a clanging cow bell in the background of a 70’s rock song. But by this point the sales clerk had already walked away. And the only place I can share my somewhat clever– but way too late–quip is to post it today on Facebook. Just hope he sees it. And get’s my cow bell reference. More Cowbell! – watch more funny videos
Most are never solved. A few–from time to time–can be approximated. We get a handle on them. But no more. That’s about the best we can hope for. As we get older and wisdom replaces impatience and impertinence, we can even celebrate those moments when we merely approximate the ultimate truth of some timeless conundrum. Recently, I had a momentary insight, a breakthrough, if you will on one such timeless question that had forever remained and enigmatic and unsolvable riddle to me. You’ll recognize it instantly. As well as be reminded of the mind-numbing circles the question has put your mind through over the years. “How much wood does a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” My answer? First, in the short run, it no longer matters because with the internet flattening our global economy there are now wood chucks on the other side of the world—hungry, talented and tireless wood chucks—who will do three times the work at a fraction of the pay. Making the American woodchuck more of a drain on our economy who will have to develop more diverse, creative and less routinized talents–just to survive. The real question is what “value adds” and “intangible values” the American woodchuck can bring to his work in the future to even remain relevant. And as much as I don’t like even going there, we have to face the fact that most wood based products will soon be replaced by superior digital substitutes. But now I’m over-thinking it. I’m not saying this is “the answer.” I’m only saying it’s a approximate of “an answer.” But it’s something and will free our mind up to ponder other–even deeper–questions Whew! After all that worrying, there were no fights over vote counts, no major machine meltdowns, no hanging chads, and nothing to do for the legions of lawyers on deck for both parties. It’s a little like the aftermath of Y2K, when the world didn’t end and nothing bad happened other than a few hangovers. Of course there were plenty of positive newsworthy stories, from the increase in women in the senate, to patient voters who cheerfully waited out long lines, to the bipartisan bromance of Governor Christie and President Obama. But perhaps the biggest winner of all was Nate Silver, the NY Times “538” blogger, sabermetrician (look it up, I had to) and expert on psephology (ditto) whose mathematical polling analysis proved 100% accurate, making all his critics look foolish and illogical. Plus his calm analysis throughout the campaign made him a refreshing Dr. Spock in a sea of emotional hotheads. I referred to him as the heretofore unsung star, because after this video he’ll no longer be unsung. This may be the first fan song he’s received, but I doubt it will be the last.
Politics and summer camp. I guess my father was right. Funny, it took 36 years for me to understand clearly the point he was making.
The night before camp ended there was an awards ceremony. Sort of like senior superlatives in high school. I’m sure most every camper got an award but I was covetous toward the award I was expecting. I had overheard the counselors say I wasn’t going to get “Best basketball player” (which is what I wanted). But I would get “Best all-round athlete.” At first, it sounded like a made-up consolation prize. But the more I thought about it, the more I liked the way it sounded. And maybe I did deserve it. I thought of my highlights that summer in kick-ball, softball, soccer, hide-and-seek with a flashlight, treading water for 30 minutes, Zip line, and dodge ball and decided it was an even better award than what I had originally hoped for—and now I wanted it even more than the initial award I desired. And couldn’t wait to hang it in my bedroom back home for all my friends to see. And now the moment had arrived. I could tell the master of ceremonies was talking about me. I was so excited when he called my name I didn’t even listen for the title of the award. I just went up front, took the hand-carved and hand-painted award (about the size of a miniature license plate, and sat down jubilant. Until I looked down and read what what I had won. “Best Sportsmanship Award” was written in what looked like green and yellow nail polish. What?!!? What happened? How did I go from potential “best basketball player” to “best all-round athlete” to this? Who wants to be a good sport? I mean, that’s just saying I am a pleasant loser, right? And seems to imply I am bad at every sport since I have to be so nice about losing all the time—and I must lose a lot to stand out enough for an award for how well I do it! I felt about the same way I did as when I was at Bruce Zimlich’s second grade birthday party at Lyndon Lanes bowling alley and his mother gave my a prize even though I had the lowest bowling score of any of the kids at the party. But when my father saw the award tossed to the corner of my bedroom desk, he picked it up and praised me for it. He effused about how important it was in life to always be a good sport, to be “man enough” (person enough) to shake hands and congratulate the winner and never to sulk or whine or start making excuses for when you lost. Or gloat when you won. And recited from memory a poem he and my grandfather liked –one of those inspirational sports poems that drove the point home. I believed some of it, I guess. But not all. Until tonight. I was a good sport in 2000 when the candidate I voted for lost in a heartbreakingly tight election. And I didn’t gloat when the candidate I supported won in a similarly close election last Tuesday. And it made me think about my “Best Sportsmanship” award at summer camp in 1976. Finally, all these years later, I realized it was a good award to receive and something to be proud of. And that being a good sport in life really is important. Just like my dad said. No matter how old you are.
(Me) I live in Kentucky and voted for Barack Obama and am glad he won. And my name is John. (Group, in unison). “Hi, John.” The Politics of Laughter
For Election Day: What your favorite websites and books say about your politics. [Buzzfeed] More from Buzzfeed: The 2012 Election in 24 Magazine Covers [Buzzfeed] The Guardian’s take on the election, graphic novel style. [The Guardian] Some of you might be confused about your ballots. [comic] One more for Election Day: “I Voted” [Sci-ence]
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