By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Mar 5, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
I first learned about the 80-20 rule while in business school and it is an ingenious formula that apples not just in the workplace but in every area of life —including marriage
With most couples I know each spouse –almost like a rule of nature –believes he or she is to blame for about 20% of the recurring marital disagreements –while their spouse is respon…sible for the other 80%. And vice versa.
Psychologists and marriage experts tell us the key is sharing that burden equally between the spouses. But such advice flies in the face of science and the 80-20 rule .
My bold innovative idea to solve this age old imbalance is to include a third partner in every marriage. Not a third party that is actively involved at any level of the day-to-day marriage (from finance to romance) but rather an extra person to lay blame on when the primary couple needs to displace blame.
Just do the math. If each primary spouse is willing to accept 20% of the blame , then having a third person available in the marriage for the remaining 60% is the perfect solution! And during periods of above-average disagreements, the third party has another 40% to be absorbed if necessary.
This allows us to use mathematical and scientific principles to our advantage to manage around the 80-20 rule in both work and play –and even within the sanctity of marriage.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Mar 4, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
So, is it better to grow up or stay a boy (or girl) forever?
Watching my daughter this weekend in the play Peter Pan made me a proud dad (so score one–a very big one–for growing up).
But focusing on the merits of the characters, Wendy vs Peter Pan, had me leaning ever-so-slightly in favor of Peter at the end of the play.
I mean, let’s look at their legacies. Wendy had a nice run for several decades when the play was first published and performed. She’s viewed today as a “good girl” and “model daughter.” More Jan than Marcia in Brady Bunch terms. But has she ever had a book written about her neurosis titled “The Wendy Syndrome”?
Nope.
Do we know who played Wendy opposite who played Peter Pan?
Nah. We just know Sandy Duncan played Peter.
And what about having your own line of peanut butter?
Ever heard of Wendy’s peanut butter?
No. Never happened.
And don’t try slipping in Hamburgers. Different Wendy. Different family. I saw her father in the play this weekend and he looks nothing like Dave Thomas.
So, on balance, would the world be better off if Wendy caved and never grew up?
Who’s to say? We would at least probably have another pop-psychology book and additional brand of peanut butter. But as the Wendys of the world would quickly –and correctly–point out, we have plenty of pop-psych books and peanut butter as it is and don’t need more. And note that Wendy grew up to have a nice family in a middle upper class neighborhood.
That’s all true of course. But the Peter Pans of the world would quickly note, Peter has an entourage of lost boys –just like the awesome HBO series! And, of course, Peter is always the last one to bow and gets the most applause –after flying in for his final bow as he drops fairy dust on the audience who is cheering him on.
And you got to admit –even if you are a Wendy—that may not be very mature, but it is pretty cool.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Mar 1, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
The conventional wisdom is that as you age (into your middle years) you first become mellower but as you age beyond, shall we say, the middle years midpoint, you become less patient and more irritable (some might charitably call it more assertive).
So, is that all true?
I have decided only partially. I like a good deal of the impatient “assertiveness” (aka irritability) comes from realizing the backlog of years and years of not being assertive enough—-and trying to catch up and clean the slate before we run out of time.
And maybe even get in the last word. With that rude sales clerk, or call center “relationship manager” or waiter who always seems to give us short shrift.
And who, if we had an 18 year old’s body and a 70 year old’s temperament, would try to stare them down before inviting them outside.
But since we have a 49 year old’s temperament and 49 year old’s body, resort to much subtler passive-aggressive tactics, albeit still tougher than ever before. And tip them only 13%. Instead of the standard 15%.
I can’t wait to see them again when I’m 55 –and even more “assertive.” That petulant boy is only getting 11% tip when age 55 rolls around!See More
By Jonathan Miller, on Thu Feb 28, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
I have been listening this week to a lot of music from an alternative rock band from the late 80s and early 90s named “Mother Love Bone.”
I know. Great band but name is hard to explain away if I died unexpectedly in a car accident and the police on the scene noticed my IPod set to Mother Love Bone pictured with their gifted and androgynous lead singer, Andy Wood, who died before their debut album from a heroin overdose.
Which is why I am mentioning this now. If some tragedy befalls me and there is talk of my “disturbing interest” for a man my age in a rock band named (there is no subtle way to pronounce it) “Mother Love Bone” —please someone chime in and say it was just a “passing phase” and that I was much better known for my love of classical music, Beethoven, Bach and the boys.
Who, be quick to add, showed clear signs of androgyny too but no one ever mentions that and maybe they (Andy Wood, Beethoven and Bach) were just all great musicians and we should leave it at that.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Feb 26, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Wow!!!
I just found out Lent lasts for 40 (forty) days!!!
That’s almost 6 weeks of self-denial!!!
Man….that is a very long time.
That fact wasn’t fully disclosed to me when we joined the Presbyterian Church several years ago. I’m not accusing the church of a bait-and-switch….But “Wow!!”
40 days! Of not doing things we enjoy!
That is a material fact that should have been disclosed in large print on the front page.
I’m not going to make more out of it for now ….and just try to let it go. Maybe I should have been more inquisitive. I just assumed Lent was, like, I dunno— a weekend or week-long thing. About as long as Chanukah but easier to spell and Catholic. And involving putting ashes on your forehead and not eating your favorite food for, like, the weekend.
This is actually some really major league commitment here….
What if we put twice as much ash on our foreheads?
Can we cut in half the amount of self-denials expected of us?
Is there a “Lent for Beginners” program for newbies that starts off slow and builds to full-fledged Lent sacrifices in, like, year 10 or 15?
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Feb 25, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Getting an unpleasant message about yourself….
I heard some awfully wise advice at Sunday School last Sunday.
Our teacher said “Sarcasm is a sign of intelligence……without wisdom!”
His wife added the second part, and I think those are words to live by. So I try to be cautious and watch for sarcasm and crankiness and cut them off before they spread to the tip of my tongue.
But I am usually a little late to the scene. We need others to let us know when we are veering off course and have a tendency to dismiss unflattering feedback about ourselves. It seems to work itself out in ever escalating stages.
For example: When your family tells you that you are being grouchy and sarcastic, you can chew on it and disregard (several consecutive times) without consequence.
When a friend tells you that you are being grouchy and sarcastic, it gives you pause and reminds you to be more cheerful around them next time (or avoid them altogether for a while).
But when a person who is more of an acquaintance (hence objective observer) tells you that you are being grouchy and sarcastic…… Well, put it this way, it’s kind of like when you were a child and your parents told you that you needed to take a bath, but you didn’t. Then a friend suggested a bath, and you ignored them. But when someone who you barely knew suggested it was time “That boy took a bath,” well, you figured it was getting pretty close to the time to take a bath.
Or in this case, to stop being a sarcastic grouch and soften up a bit….at least until you are, as I heard someone once say, “Sweeter than a bumblebees behind.”
Or thereabouts, give or take. ; ) At a minimum, sarcasm is to the soul what poor hygiene is to the body.
And if bystanders notice, it’s time for me some lye soap. For the soul. ; )
By Jonathan Miller, on Sat Feb 23, 2013 at 7:36 PM ET
Oh, no. First the Chinese. Now the Mexicans are attacking me. As you can see in the screenshot, UPI Espanol is calling me y “el ex director del partido, Jonathan Miller” which I am pretty sure is Spanish for a “former dictator who throws bad parties.”
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Feb 22, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Deep question. Even deeper than a Fortune Cookie fortune. Maybe.
If you were at a Chinese restaurant and your Fortune Cookie didn’t have a slip of paper in it revealing your “fortune,” would you complain to the manager and ask for a new cookie that has an actual “fortune” inside it?
Or say nothing and enjoy the cookie realizing your future probably has little to do with what’s inside a Fortune Cookie, and hence not feel cheated?
Or some other option….like refuse to eat the cookie while Googling on your iPhone about the meaning of receiving a barren Fortune Cookie?
I have a feeling your answer will say a lot about you in some weird “psychology test” way. I have nothing to back me up except a gut feeling.
And mild depression for being cheated out of my fortune with my last Fortune Cookie and a sense of defeatism for not saying anything about it–and worry that the cookie was trying to tell me something important about an impending terrible event that I am ignoring at my peril.
I don’t even want to know my real Fortune Cookie fortune now! ; )
My bold innovative idea to solve this age old imbalance is to include a third partner in every marriage. Not a third party that is actively involved at any level of the day-to-day marriage (from finance to romance) but rather an extra person to lay blame on when the primary couple needs to displace blame.
