By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Nov 13, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET  The aftermath of the Hurricane. The aftermath of the election.
What’s the spirit of New York right now? I went on a fact-finding mission in my Timberlands and my construction jumpsuit yesterday. I am an anthropologist of sorts. Anthropologist-matchmaker, if that makes any sense. (usually it doesn’t.) I was hopeful about the state of affairs on human connection. After all, I have gotten buckets of positive energy sent my way on the loss of our house, and meanwhile there are Hurricane victims who are much worse off. So I wake up at the crack of dawn and I’m thinking, like that old Dunkin’ Donuts commercial—“Time to make the dates happen.”
But out in the coffeehouses of the city, not so much. The isolation is deafening. We can’t even blame the Hurricane for the shell-shocked nature of New Yorkers these days. Prior to hurricane season this year I was with my 7-year old son in Starbucks, and we were searching for a seat. He said, “I want to sit over there in the Computer Lab.” He was referring to the communal table. Something has gone wrong with our ability to socialize.
There is so much opportunity for human connection this week. New Yorkers have been outpouring charitable donations, volunteer labor, blankets and peanut butter& banana sandwiches. There is a palpable energy of friendliness, community and good will. But my findings revealed that noble intentions haven’t translated into an easier time for singles to meet. They should, though.
In the blackout of 1965 in NYC, my parents lived at 4thAvenue and 10th Street. My Dad was at NYU Law School and was walking home with a fellow student when the lights went out. He invited the guy over, knowing that my Mom would be there with dinner, and it would be wrong for his friend to have to be alone in the dark. My Mom had been at the gynecologist’s office in the neighborhood and had befriended a random woman in the waiting room who lived uptown and was stuck without safe passage. Needless to say, my Mom (not yet a Jewish mother but obviously in-training) invited the woman over for dinner as well. The two guests met that night and the rest was history. They fell in love and got married.
I’ve always loved that story. I was barely a gleam in the doctor’s speculum but that night must have been the start of my matchmaking proclivities. The most pertinent part of the story is that my Mom (Jewish mom in-training or otherwise) would not have invited a random stranger to dinner under normal circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, she is extremely hospitable. But she follows social norms, and it is just not a very socially acceptable thing to do.
I believe when you breach social norms and make yourself vulnerable, great things can happen. You can effect change. This is the time. That Billy Joel song is playing in my head. He says,“We lived through a lifetime and the aftermath.” What is the aftermath of a lifetime? I certainly don’t know, but one thing is for sure—the aftermath of a lifetime is even further beyond our control than the aftermath of a hurricane or an election. “This is the time, but time is gonna change.” You can bet that Obama knows this. You can know it too.
Imagine you only have 4 years- to accomplish your next goal. Whether that is finding the One, having a baby, starting a business, how might you get started?
“Is that a weathervane in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Okay, maybe that’s not the best pick-up line in the world. But any pick-up line is better than no pick-up line. And judging from my anthropological findings around NYC this week, a cheesy pick-up line might be just the ice-breaker we need. Or should I say glacier-breaker? “How’d you do in Sandy” or “How’d you weather the storm?” might be a little more socially acceptable. There may be something to be said for some social norms.
Trying times can go either way, when it comes to human connection. We feel vulnerable, so we want to go back into the safe shell of workaholism and isolation. Or alternatively, we feel vulnerable so we reach out for the hope that love and connection can provide comfort. Two roads diverged in a taxi line. “Are you going to the Upper West Side too? I hear they have power and Internet there.” It’s so easy to reach out, yet so hard.
So when you’re out and about this week, think about the next 4 years, and stretch outside of your comfort zone to talk to a stranger. Get yourself one step closer to your goals. This is the time. Take New York City by storm. 😉
By Nancy Slotnick, on Fri Nov 2, 2012 at 12:15 PM ET I am Katniss Everdeen and I approve this message. Ok, I’m not her. But I read the trilogy and I know she would be with me on this. Trust me.
Hurricane Sandy did this to my house.
And still when I heard that Mayor Bloomberg endorsed Obama because of his stance on global warming, I thought, “That’s great, maybe something good will come of this!” But I didn’t think much about global warming. Then Senator Schumer said it. And still I thought- they’re politicizing the issue. We just need some FEMA assistance right now. I couldn’t wrap my head around global warming. Maybe I was scared. It was Halloween after all. And we just lost our house.
Global warming is such a lukewarm phrase anyway – it has no bite to it. All I can think of is people who want a cause to complain about. Like Chicken Little with old “the sky is falling” thing. I love the smell of Chicken Little on my grill in the morning. Especially the grill I used to have in Fire Island. We called it circle chicken- because it was on the rotisserie- and it was so good. But I digress and I am getting sad now.
Then BAM– and it hit me. When I started pondering whether we should re-build our house at all, since our house is on a barrier island, I realized– We are destroying our planet and I’ll be lucky if NYC is around when my son grows up. This storm brought the most powerful city in the world to its knees. Way worse in devastation and vulnerability than 9-11. It’s true that because of great decisions on the part of the Mayor and others there were minimal lives lost. But when we lose whole communities, this is bigger than we realize. To anyone who’s even still considering voting for Romney after this—I hope that your roads are flooded and you can’t make it to the voting booths. I hope a fallen telephone pole blocks you from getting to the poll site.
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Nancy Slotnick: What Sandy Did To My Home & My Closing Argument for Obama
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Oct 30, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET So ever since Romney used that phrase, I have gotten boatloads full of nostalgic comments about Drip, the dating-café that I started in the late ‘90s. That’s because we actually did have binders full of women. Women seeking Men. Women seeking women. And we set them up on dates. With Matchmaker Café, we now do the same thing—i.e. set up men and women on real dates at a real café, and we introduce them when they get there. Even though we now have all the technology we can imagine for meeting online, we still need that human interaction. We still need personalized service and hand holding, even though we have Facebook. Even though we have these things called aircraft carriers.
What made that comment about binders full of women so funny? I think it was the irony. If women were really equal in the world of politics, then Romney wouldn’t need to round up women in binders. He wouldn’t have to go any farther then his own backyard. They would already be on his short list. So the binders represent a problem endemic to the system. As did the binders at Drip. They represented the same kind of problem.
When the world was simpler and people usually grew old in the same town where they had grown up, they would meet their mates through family and friends. There were local community hang-outs and places like Cheers where everybody knows your name. (Drip got compared to Cheers a lot.) Today there’s a level of anonymity and isolation in big cities that engenders a problem when it comes to dating. You need those binders full of women. And you don’t have a staff like Romney did to round them up. Luckily you’re only looking for one.
 So why is it, in this age of Facebook, that no one uses Facebook for dating? Facebook is our backyard, and it is the technological equivalent of binders full of women, yet there is embarrassment around your Facebook friends knowing that you are single. When I coach women about dating, I talk about turning your Cablight on, which means showing that you’re available. When you turn it on then you get more and better dates. But when Matchmaker Café wants to show your friends that you are using the App, a lot of you have told me that you want to turn off that feature.
What damage will be done if you’re friends know that you are single or that you are using Matchmaker Café? Why is there a stigma? Who has time for this ambivalence and mixed messages? (Besides Romney’s staff.) You have to show that you’re available by being open to rejection, and even embracing rejection. You have to post publicly for what you are looking for, even if it’s embarrassing. I’m going to do that right now. I’m looking for a café owner or small hospitality group in NYC who would like to partner with me to do a re-make of Drip. We will have binders full of women. But this time the binders will be digitized on iPads and the profiles will utilize Facebook to tap into the existing social graph. Why? Because Facebook is online dating’s equivalent of nuclear submarines. And because it will be so much fun.
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Oct 23, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET One of my husband’s favorite movies is True Lies. (You must say it with the Ahrnold accent.) Of course the irony of the casting of that film didn’t become so readily apparent until recently. I saw Arnold interviewed about how he lied about his audio malfunctioning when Matt Lauer once asked him a question that he didn’t want to answer. Even though he admitted to this lie in his recent memoir, he still didn’t want to own up to the lie when asked about it on Meet the Press. And they had video footage! A lie wrapped in an enigma wrapped in fudge factor. It’s called acting I guess.
Of course, everyone lies in some form or another. I had this conversation with my 7 year old the other day. (yes, Mom, I flossed my teeth.) But when someone flat out lies about everything, blanketly denying things that they have already admitted to be true, then that is someone you don’t want to date. Or vote for, in my opinion.
 How can you tell? If someone like Maria Shriver, an extremely smart and astute woman, can be fooled, then how on earth can the rest of us figure it out?
Well, you can start by avoiding the worst kind of lie- lying to yourself. A first date can tell you about 80% of what you need to know about a person if you pay attention. And a month of dating someone bumps it up to 90%. But how well can you listen when they tell?
You get this feeling, in the pit of your stomach and you can’t make sense of it. So you ignore it and do what feels good. We all do this and I’m not trying to say that you can’t be human and act on impulse. But before you do, try to make sense of that sinking feeling- it has 2 distinct heads to it that you can try to decipher. And then when you act, act deliberately with the cognizance of whether you are making a decision for 4 hours or 4 years.
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Nancy Slotnick: True Lies
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Oct 16, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET “We’ve got an hour.”
I never would have thought, when I was single, that those 4 words could sound so sexy. “We’ve got an hour.” With a raised eyebrow it becomes a full-fledged turn-on. At least I have the hour. Usually.
As I prepare to fully enter the world of new media when my iPhone 5 arrives next week, I find myself sad to retire my Crackberry. Those little keys on the keypad are so easy and so soothing. I can get so much done. Or nothing at all. When both my husband and my son started complaining that I was so addicted to my Blackberry that I didn’t notice them, I knew I had a problem. I had just thought I was a Blackberry Girl.
So I started realizing that how I spend my time might have some impact on whether I am reaching my goals. I know I’m always busy. Emails, texts, constant communication. But maybe I’m just running a treadmill?
Ironically, they had a marathon of Ground Hog Day on TBS or something last week. (Yes, they played it over and over. Lol.) Like a sucker, I watched even though I have seen it many times before. (I watched in between emails, anyway.) I didn’t see the end but I asked my friend who is a huge Bill Murray fan: “What finally got him to the next day?” It was when he started focusing on the people in his life in a helpful and vulnerable way. He wasn’t concerned about what he was getting from them. But he still was going after what he wanted. (i.e. Andie MacDowell.)
I want to recommend to you, if you are single, to be Bill Murray. Try to be Bill Murray in the last go ‘round of Ground Hog Day, not Bill Murray in Caddyshack. (The pond is not so good for you.) Bill Murray in Lost in Translation is not bad either.
What this means– There’s a guy who was in the papers this week because he has spent $65,000 on Matchmakers and has not gotten a mate. I have not worked with him but supposedly I might be approached next. (At least that’s what the reporter said when she quoted me)
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Nancy Slotnick: “We’ve Got An Hour”
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Oct 9, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET I just recently heard this phrase “what’s your scary age?” It refers to women’s biological clock. It implies that women are scared of the limitations of their own bodies when it comes to fertility. Which we are.
There’s nothing like the last minute. In college I used to wait until the day before a paper was due before starting it. The theory was that if I started earlier the work would just expand to fit all that extra time that I had. If I waited until the night before and had some good coffee (or Jolt- the predecessor to Red Bull- you can see I’m at a scary age!) then the pressure of the procrastination would Jolt me into getting it done. That drink was aptly named.
Except there was that one time. It was supposed to be the biggest “gut” class. An easy A. They called it “gas stations” because we literally studied the landscape of gas stations and every day places that you never notice. The stakes were higher because this paper was a 15 pager and the professor had a hang-up about lateness of papers and never gave extensions. So of course I choked. I waited until the last minute as usual, drank too much Jolt and had a caffeine overdose reaction. Then I fell asleep. Go figure.
 What is the moral to this story? Don’t trust a beverage whose slogan is “All the sugar and twice the caffeine!” That I figured out even before I graduated Harvard. But what has taken me all of these years later (I’m getting dangerously close to my 25th reunion) to learn? You don’t have to wait until you’re scared before you kick your butt in gear. And when the pressure’s on, it’s even more likely that you’ll choke. And you don’t want to choke on something as important as marriage and kids.
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Nancy Slotnick: What’s Your Scary Age?
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Oct 2, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET With the Obama/Romney debate on the American family calendar this week, it seemed only fitting to address the more prominent form of debate in American families- the marital debate. First, though we have to acknowledge the differences. In a political debate, the audience is the American public. In the marital debate, the debaters are the audience. Complicated. Further, in the political debate, there are moderators and referees, time limits and guidelines. In the marital debate, all bets are off. We don’t even have commercial breaks- usually.
Of course, couples therapy is another story. With the right counselor, that can be a lot more safe. In fact, I believe that it should be mandatory for engaged couples to go to counseling. It’s not that all couples have problems to iron out (though most do,) but rather that learning to communicate in conflict is a prerequisite for a happy marriage. When people say “We have such a great relationship, we never fight!” it’s bull…., in my humble opinion. And even in counseling we have to remember the difference- that the candidates are the audience. (It’s not about whom the therapist likes better! As long as it’s me.)
So, because these 2 genres are quite different, we should understand that the goal is different. We know that Obama is not going to convince Romney of anything and vice versa. We don’t expect that they will be heard and understood by each other. And they don’t have to sleep in the same bed at the end of the night. Thank G-d. That wouldn’t be legal in most states anyway.
With the marital argument, that same person that we disagree with so vehemently is the one that we have to make babies with, when the time is right. (And practice that the rest of the time.) We don’t want to be reachingacross the aisle; we want to be walking down the same aisle! But oftentimes it is not so. Bipartisanship is not just something to give lip service to, when it comes to marriage. It is mission critical.
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Nancy Slotnick: Mass Debate
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 25, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET Some of you are too young to be Billy Joel fans. I’m just young enough to admit it, and yet old enough to see it as retro chic. Regardless of the complexity of my Billy Joel fan status, I had to bring him up today because his song Vienna keeps ringing in my head. So it must mean something, despite the fact that I don’t want to recommend you take relationship advice from Billy Joel. But his poetry is another matter entirely.
Vienna waits for you. I’ve never been to Vienna, but I think I know what he means. What is your Vienna? I’m asking myself this lately. What is that dream of yours that you might be missing because you’re “so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need”? Slow down you crazy child! It’s so weird- we have to slow down so we can speed up our dreams? Hard to understand but it’s true. You can get what you want or you can just get old.
 In 2006 I wrote a book entitled Turn Your Cablight On: Get your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less. What does Dream Man mean for you? Can he still be the man of your dreams once he’s a reality? You know how they say—Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it. Once you get it, it’s hard to remember how to appreciate it.
In 1996 when I was single and about to open my dating-café, Drip, I chose an architect for the project who was also a college classmate of mine. We’ll call her Amanda, because that’s her name. I won’t say her last name, because this story could be a little embarrassing but it’s totally flattering. So I’m walking with Amanda and she realizes she has to go to her apartment to get some architectural plans. She invites me up to her apartment, but stops first for some instruction: “When we go up to my apartment, you’re probably going to meet my husband. So, I have to warn you, he’s a babe.” Well, I have heard a lot of things in my life, but that one was without a doubt the coolest thing I had ever heard anyone say. Still is. I really don’t even know why she felt the need to say it but it was so cute. (And, yes, he is a babe.)
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Nancy Slotnick: Vienna Waits for You
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 18, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET The new year is always a time for resolutions and self reflection. Since it’s the Jewish New Year (and I’m Jewish), I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Of course, being married to a therapist, and having had years of therapy myself, I tend to do that year‘round. So, even if you’re not Jewish, I would encourage you to join me. Extra self reflection never killed the cat. I don’t even think curiosity did. Curiosity is a beautiful thing, and cats have 9 lives regardless.
So I invented a way of helping myself when I am trying to reach a goal. I ask “Future Me”what I should do. For example, one of my goals for this year is around my business. In my mind’s eye, Matchmaker Café is about to be large and in charge. (I apologize that my mind’s eye talks like a ‘90s rapper sometimes.) But how I can garner the traction and the capital to get there is a big ordeal. So when I feel overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do next, or when I am trying to make a hiring decision or a partnering decision, what do I do? I ask Future Me.
I just discovered this trick and the amazing thing is that she always knows! And she’s so calm- how the hell does she do that? (Hold on, I’ll ask…….. Ok, she says it’s because she’s satisfied.) Occasionally she says “Too soon to tell” or “Wait and see,” kind of like the Magic 8-Ball. Sometimes she says “You’ll know in 5 years.” I hate that one! But most of the time she knows the answer, almost immediately.
I tried this out with a client of mine yesterday, as a reality check, just in case I was hearing voices, ya know? You never know. I also wanted to see how it would work for someone who is single and looking for the One. In this case, Future You=Married You. It worked like a charm. Questions that would usually perplex her yielded answers instantaneously. I was pleasantly surprised. (especially to discover that I have not had a psychotic break- phew!)
So I would recommend you try it. Word of warning- just as with Willy Wonka and his crazy gum, this philosophy is untested and may go awry by dessert. Especially if you are more like Veruca Salt than Charlie. You have to be very self-explored in order to truly connect with Future You. Be wary of giving yourself the answer you want to hear. There’s a fine line between the purpose of this exercise and being delusional. Having a guide such as a therapist or a coach can always help. (I happen to know of 2 of those right in my apartment—just in case you’re looking. 😉 )
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Nancy Slotnick: Future You Is Your New Guru
By Nancy Slotnick, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 at 8:30 AM ET I love my job. I get to help people find love. But better than that. I get to help them enjoy it after they’ve found it. As a dating coach, people hire me (primarily successful smart attractive single women) to help them when they are ready to find the One. I don’t find it for them. (That would be too easy, right?) I don’t actually believe that it works that way. Matchmakers who promise that they can find love for you if you pay them thousands of dollars are often flim-flamming you.
That being said, I do have a matchmaking site on Facebook. It’s called Matchmaker Café. We don’t charge thousands of dollars- just the same amount as what online dating sites charge. And we set up the date for you- ‘cuz that’s the hardest part! But I digress.
True love finds you. You just have to be open to it. That’s what I call “turning your Cablight on.” But that’s not the real trick of love. (It’s not supposed to be about turning tricks, either.) The trick is to be happy once you find it. I have a lot of clients who think that once they find the “One” that they should fire me. And they may be right, of course. There’s a reason that Recovering Dater sounds like I’m part of a 12 step Program (more than a writer of a blog.) That’s because once you find love, you shouldn’t be interested in dating anymore! And you certainly shouldn’t need a dating coach.
However, even once you find that [almost] perfect person, you have a choice of being hopelessly miserable with each other or hopelessly romantic. Or everything in between.
The beginning stages of dating are like precedents in the law. Once certain patterns are set, there’s no going back. And you will always refer back to that pattern. It’s like when a river dries up but there is still the path. Pour a big rainstorm back in and that water goes in the same direction that it always did for years. Enough metaphors for you? Sorry about that- here’s a real world example.
One of the hardest jobs I’ve ever done in my life was teaching Hebrew school when I was in college. It’s hard enough to be a teacher and control the classroom. But then try controlling a classroom of kids who have been in school for 8 hours that day already! $12 per hour was a lot of money in those days- it had to be. So, in the event that you have been a teacher then you will know what I mean about this- the very first day is your only shot for establishing order and discipline. The students can get to know you and like you later. But if you are “soft” on the first day, you’re done for the year. By the next year you have learned, but it’s a new class by then.
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Nancy Slotnick: Hot for Teacher
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The aftermath of the Hurricane. The aftermath of the election.
