By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Jan 1, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET Yes, once again it’s time for end-of-the-year rituals. Maybe you come up with the type of resolutions that help gyms make a fortune from people who join and never show up. Or perhaps you scour critics’ lists of ’10 Best’ or ’10 Worst’ lists of the year’s movies, t.v. shows, political scandals, etc. Some families have charming New Year’s traditions. When I was a kid, we would eat chocolate fondue, drink Andre Cold Duck (hey, I was 8, I thought it was classy) and watch old Abbott & Costello movies (on a projector my mom borrowed from the school where she taught – this was way before DVDs and videos, although despite my own kids’ rude comments about how old I am, it was WAY after one-room schoolhouses). When my own kids were little, I would let them watch the televised countdown from Times Square (of course, when they were younger, I was able to convince them that midnight in New York was the same in California, thus enabling me to get them to bed at 9 p.m.) (Which was not intended to get back at them for the ‘mom, you’re old’ teasing . . . but I digress.)
My earliest comedy-song-writing influence was Tom Lehrer’s great album, “That Was The Year That Was” (hold on, you’ll see how it relates). I wanted to reference that album in relation to this week’s song, but in researching which year he’d meant (which turns out to be mostly 1964, although the album was released in 1965), I learned that he had been the resident songwriter for performers on the US version of a British weekly TV program, “That Was The Week That Was,” and the record featured Lehrer finally performing those songs himself. So weekly comedy songs are part of a long tradition!
Anyway, as inspired by Mr. Lehrer, here’s a musical recap of the year’s highs and lows, or as some might say, “from the sublime to the ridiculous.” Happy New Year!
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Dec 25, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Every now and then, a movie catch phrase comes along that both works perfectly in context, and comes in handy in real life. “Toto, I’ve a feeling we aren’t in Kansas anymore,” “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” and “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” come to mind (as well as almost every line from “Blazing Saddles,” although most of those can’t be quoted without a detailed explanation and a PG-13 warning).
One of my personal favorites is from “The Princess Bride,” when Inigo Montoya hears his boss say ‘inconceivable’ and comments, “You keep using that word, I do not think that word means what you think it does.” (I’m the adult child of a former English teacher, meaning I cringe when I see mis-used words and grammatical mistakes, although I agree, “ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put” is a little awkward.) So I was delighted to see that meme pop up in connection with the latest flap over “Duck Dynasty,” with family patriarch Phil Robertson being quoted in GQ (yeah, rednecks and GQ seem like an odd pairing to me, too!), expressing some colorfully homophobic and outdated racial views.
Of course, the biggest shocker to me was that anyone was shocked – did A&E really expect that a family of Louisiana evangelical duck-hunters would have enlightened views on race relations or gay rights? (Brings to mind another of my favorite film lines, when Claude Rains is trying to impress the Nazis in Casablanca by saying, “I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here” right before a dealer says “Your winnings, sir.”) But in their reactions, A&E and conservative politicians seem trying to outdo each other with cluelessness.
I find Mr. Robertson’s remarks offensive – but I find a lot of things offensive about reality TV, and I’m not so crazy about the whole idea of hunting defenseless little ducks – but I digress. Mr. Robertson has a right to express his views, as repugnant (or weird – read the actual article!) as they are, and his employers at A&E have a right to hire, fire, and suspend whomever they like. A&E announced a brief suspension, apparently trying to appease the large gay and black audience for the show (??), but opening up a huge can of worms in the process. Conservative politicians and peripheral-but-trying-to-stay-in-the-spotlight-characters declared their outrage that the media was censoring a good Christian and depriving him of his fundamental right of free speech. Ignoring, of course, the fact that no one’s right of free speech was infringed, because the Bill of Rights says nothing about anyone’s right to star on a reality television program.
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Dec 18, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
Last week I wrote about how Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin, et al were trying to stir up a frenzy over their imaginary ‘War on Christmas.’ Which at the time seemed like the height of going on the attack by trying to make oneself into a victim – but oh, ye of little faith, ye didn’t count on Megyn Kelly and ‘Santagate’.
In case you’ve been under a rock all week, a writer for Slate (an online magazine) wondered why traditional images of Santa Clause were always Caucasian, and she suggested that we consider race-free options (like a Penguin Claus – sort of like the Easter Bunny, or the Purim Hamster). This prompted Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly to trash her previous reputation for being more intelligent than her colleagues (remember her arguing with Karl Rove about the 2012 election results?), by convening a ‘panel’ to debate the issue, which as far as I could tell consisted of just one article (that hadn’t been very widely read until Kelly publicized it). She expressed her outrage that political correctness might trump truth, because it was a historical, verifiable fact that Santa is white – just like Jesus.
When critics began weighing in, Kelly immediately went on the defensive, claiming she was being attacked by race-baiting humor-less haters who didn’t get that the whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. On top of the fact that the original segment wasn’t particularly funny, one could also point to Kelly’s recent appearance on The Tonight Show, when she insisted she was a serious journalist, not an entertainer. But my biggest issue is that it’s hard to complain about being criticized when she’s the one who started criticizing in the first place.
The whole thing reminds me of sitcom fights where a younger sibling (Cindy Brady?) kicks an older one (Jan?) and when Jan retaliates, Cindy runs to mom, claiming “Jan is picking on me.” (And no, I don’t know what episode that was, it just sounds pretty plausible – plus I promised my own sons I’d stop embarrassing them by using them as examples.)
So as long as I’m in parental mode, I’d give Ms. Kelly the same advice most parents give their offspring – try to get along by putting yourself in each other’s shoes. And if you’re going to say something as silly as “Santa just IS white, it’s a historical, verifiable fact,” put yourself in the shoes of a liberally-inclined humorist and see if YOU could resist the temptation!
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Dec 11, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Even in this rapidly changing world, we can always count on a few annual events – swallows returning to Capistrano, back-to-school sales, and of course the annual Fox News whining about the War on Christmas. According to their complaints, godless anti-religious socialists are trying to ruin the American way of life by asking that governments, schools, and even – gasp – retailers try to be inclusive. Pundits point to some horrid city council that decides to replace its annual Nativity scene with a ‘winter’ scene, or stores that use ‘Happy Holiday’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ in their advertisements.
Look, I get it – 77% of the country identifies as Christian, Christmas is a national holiday, and I expect to be bombarded by it for at least a month. And I’m not offended when a Target clerk wishes me Merry Christmas even as she rings up my Hanukkah candles & cards. But I also appreciate the occasional ‘Happy Holidays,’ acknowledging that some of us – in fact, 23% of us – don’t observe Christmas, at least as a religious holiday.
And as for the whining about political correctness in schools, try to imagine what it’s like for Jewish or Muslim kids in a class making Christmas ornaments and preparing for a Christmas concert. Would it be so hard to teach them “Winter Wonderland” or “White Christmas” and save “Away In A Manger” for church?
Sarah Palin is making a whole career move out of this manufactured controversy, with a new book and of course a major book tour, insisting we need to have MORE Christmas and more religious observances in public. In a recent interview she answered a question about other religions being offended by saying, “In my family we have the Menorah out through December on our kitchen table, because I want to teach my children about the Jewish faith.” Which shows just how little she knows about the Jewish faith: Hanukkah only lasts 8 days, and Menorahs get lit and displayed in a window, not left on the kitchen table like a bowl of fruit. (Besides, that type of comment sounds an awful lot like “Some of my best friends are . . . ” But I digress . . . )
Anyway, no matter what holidays we observe at this time of year, it’s a good chance to stop and think about what’s important in life, to count our blessings. So I would like to express my deepest gratitude to Sarah Palin, Bill O’Reilly, et al, for frequently making my job so easy.
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Dec 4, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Okay, maybe the older version of that title phrase (involving contempt) might still be true regarding annoying relatives. (My father used to insist there was just one small group of them who went from wedding to bar mitzvah to reunion, changing accents and clothing but otherwise identical, and including the great-aunts who commiserated about their digestive issues, the cousin who told offensive jokes, and the cocktail-swilling uncle who insisted on singing his off-key version of “New York New York” with the band. But I digress.)
However, I have noticed that when people get to know someone with a different political viewpoint, sexual orientation, or national origin, they are much more likely to view them positively. This has been strikingly true when it comes to issues like same-sex marriage, where even die-hard conservatives with gay relatives soften their views (unless they have another relative running for office on an anti-gay-marriage platform . . . . see Cheney: Dick). I know I’ve become more tolerant of conservative views with which I disagree since I found out a few of my best friends are Republicans and I took the time to listen to their reasoning. (I still disagree with them, but at least I don’t think of them as mutant aliens – remember, I live in the San Francisco area, where Republicans are as rare as Democrats were when I was growing up in Orange County.)
Speaking of growing up in Orange County, back in my day, Jews were equally rare, so I was usually the only kid in my class who could explain our holidays. I actually did have to correct one 4th grade classmate who had heard that Chanukah involved worshipping potato chips. (He’d heard something about potatoes and frying . . . love that 4th grade logic!) (Mind you, Jews can be equally ignorant, especially given the rampant commercialization of Christian holidays – when they were little, my sons were convinced that Christmas celebrated the birthday of Santa Claus.)
So in honor of Chanukah, I thought I’d offer a few pointers to help those of you who don’t celebrate it.
– Chanukah started several thousand years ago, so it isn’t part of an insidious war on Christmas
– Chanukah is a relatively minor holiday (we have TONS of them), so faux-Christmas touches like Chanukah bushes are not very authentic
– Latkes (potato pancakes) and sufignot (jelly donuts) are traditional and delicious, meaning the holiday is a great excuse to eat fried food
– Contrary to what some envious kids might think, Jewish kids don’t usually get 8 days of elaborate gifts (as a rule mine get one big present and 7 days of wrapped-up books, snacks, and socks . . . hey, I’m a working musician and this is my busy period!)
And in case you need any more clarification, here’s a little musical explanation –
“The Chanukah Cha Cha”:
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Nov 27, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Politics and show business make interesting but strange bedfellows – and one could say that’s both a metaphor and a literal statement (Jerry Brown & Linda Ronstadt, anyone?) For starters, there is substantial cross-over betwee the two fields – elections often seem more about show-biz glitz than issues, while actors complain about the ‘politics’ of casting. Plus celebrities frequently endorse candidates, who in turn may solicit those endorsements, or quote from plays and songs (or in the case of Herman Cain, lyrics from a Pokemon movie).
My career has been a hybrid of both, starting when I was a child trying to decide if my goal was to be a concert classical pianist or the first female president. (Yeah, I was an unambitious kid.) I wavered between going to law school or becoming a starving artist, and while I settled on the latter, I never lost my interest in politics. So it’s been great fun to combine both issues in these weekly videos, which has let me weigh in on current issues without having to mount a campaign. (I opted out of politics because of my thin skin and propensity to burst into tears at everything from Kodak commercials to being put on hold, not because of any skeletons in my closet – I have an embarrassingly unembarrasing past!)
But every now and then, a politician comes along whose entire career seems too theatrical to take seriously – sort of like the presidential campaigns of either Pat Paulsen (if you’re old enough to remember him) or Stephen Colbert (for everyone else). And we’ve had some doozies in this country – I’ve particularly enjoyed the hypocrites like Larry Craig, with his ‘I wasn’t playing footsie in an airport bathroom, I just have a really wide stance,’ or anti-gay activist George Rekers with his ‘rent-a-boy’ travel companion. However, nothing compares to Toronto’s Rob Ford – from denying he smoked crack to claiming he didn’t lie because reporters didn’t ask the right questions, to insisting that if bike riders get killed by cars, it’s their fault. In fact, more than a few people have wondered if his antics are just a giant performance art piece. – and I’m sure Anthony Weiner is wishing he’d run for mayor in Toronto, where his measly texted crotch shots would be child’s play. Meanwhile, Ford is defiantly staying in the public eye, despite being stripped of most of his authority and despite the additional allegations that come forward daily (from arrests for domestic violence to the checkered records of his driver and gym trainer). (And yes, “Rob Ford’s Gym Trainer” does seem like an incredible oxymoron.)
Rob Ford is larger than life, both literally and figuratively, and someone really should write a song about him. So I did.
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Nov 20, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Don’t get me wrong, nostalgia has a big place in my life. I love elements of the past, including Victorian novels, big band music from the 1920s, and full-skirted cocktail dresses from the 1950s. But I wouldn’t want to live in any of those eras, largely for practical considerations (I was one of those annoying kids who couldn’t read The Little House books without wondering how and where they went to the bathroom, and much as I love Jane Austen-esque romance, I wouldn’t really want to live without antibiotics, electricity, or the ability of women to own and inherit property, which of course was the issue driving most of the romance anyhow).
A lot of things have improved over the years, and one advantage of getting older is that we get to see change for the better. I gaped at my mother’s stories of her college sorority (which had “girdle checks” every morning) kicking her out for dating my father (who wasn’t in an approved fraternity, on top of being Jewish), and my kids are horrified when I tell them about learning to type on a manual typewriter, or that until I was in 8th grade, girls weren’t allowed to wear pants to school.
Now my boys can look forward to telling their kids about when gay marriage wasn’t a universal right – They were born in the mid-90s, so they’ve seen the whole progression of the issue. (In fact, the first wedding my older son attended was that of my college best friend and his partner, who had a commitment ceremony when my son was 3, and I served as the ‘best man’. For a few years after that, David was puzzled when he saw an opposite-sex couple get married.)
Since my kids are 17 and 20, I hope I have to wait awhile for grandchildren (although I do expect them eventually, boys, in case you’re reading this). So in the meantime, I will rejoice as each state adopts marriage equality and come up with an appropriate song – here’s my tribute to Hawaii.
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Nov 13, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET I’ve long maintained that the skills we develop as mothers could come in handy in all sorts of larger contexts, like international relations (“Israel and Palestine, if you can’t share the Gaza Strip I’m taking it away from both of you!”), industrial pollution (“BP, clean up that oil spill NOW!”), or political gridlock (“Congress, you’re in time out – with NO SNACKS – until you get something accomplished!”). And of course it didn’t surprise me that when we started seeing progress in solving the government shut-down, there were women from both parties leading the way.
Mind you, I’m not claiming female superiority, just pointing out that in general, mothers have learned to deal with everything from recalcitant toddlers who throw tantrums in grocery stores to sullen teenagers who swear we are ruining their lives. So a) we don’t sweat the small stuff, and b) we know how to handle bad behavior. Which makes it pretty clear that there is no one with those maternal skills advising Rand Paul.
For starters, a woman would remind him that tons of people have survived being accused of plagiarism – and it isn’t an attack on their personal character, just pointing out a fact. But to hear Senator Paul tell it, he is the victim of a character assassination by liberal ‘haters and hackers’ who are ‘spreading hate on me.’ Moms would tell him to stop over-reacting. (And my mom, the retired English teacher, would tell him to stop using silly cliches that don’t make sense.)
Moms would also advise him to admit his mistake gracefully, and to issue a genuine apology. Like we tell our kids, saying “I’m sorry, but it’s HIS fault” does not count. Neither does claiming that everyone is picking on you because you didn’t footnote your speeches.
Finally, a modern-day mom would remind Senator Paul that the Internet gives everyone instant access to, and records of, anything you put out there. So be careful about what photos from that crazy frat party you post on Facebook or what drunk texts you send to old flames (or what types of incriminating photos you text when you’re running for public office, Mr. Weiner . . . ) Which means if you lift entire paragraphs from Wikipedia, you really can’t deny it when you get caught.
Lacking such maternal wisdom, Rand Paul has not handled this fairly minor crisis very well, which isn’t great for his Presidential aspirations – but it’s been great for humorists! (And like I always advise my kids, teasing is mean most of the time, but if you’re a public figure who behaves in a ridiculous fashion, you’re fair game!)
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Nov 6, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Every generation seems to experience a couple of epic historic moments that define them – we have ‘The Greatest Generation’ with their memories of World War Two, former ‘flower children’ who remember The Summer of Love (or at least did some indiscriminate making-out that year), and so on. I’m on the younger side of Baby Boomers – I was 10 in 1969, so the only real hippie experience I had was embroidering flowers on my bellbottom jeans and writing earnest but dreadful poetry with lines like “the earth was meant for love, not pollution.”
Usually these landmark moments are pretty serious, even tragic, like assassinations or weather-related disasters. And occasionally, they can be celebrations of the human spirit, like the first moonwalk, the falling of the Berlin Wall, or the record number of babies born 9 months after major power outages. But only rarely do we find a transformational, epic moment that has nothing sad about it, nothing triumphant, but just pure fun – in fact, up until recently, the only examples I could think of were pop culture silliness, like pet rocks, the Macarena, or Gangnam Style.
However, due to a calendar quirk, this month will be the first time since 1888 that Chanukah and Thanksgiving have overlapped. And it won’t happen again for over 77,000 years. (Which is how long I know many people hope it will be until the Macarena comes back.) So naturally, people are jumping on it as an opportunity to celebrate, to develop fun hybrid recipies (sweet potato latkes with melted marshmallows . . . don’t think about it too much), and of course to find the marketing angle. Someone has already trademarked “Thanksgivukkah,” and you can buy Thanksgivukkah-themed cards, t-shirts, and even a ‘menurkey’ (a menorah in the shape of a turkey).
Even though this would seem to be a completely apolitical moment of joy, in today’s bitter partisan climate I must admit I was expecting some pushback from the far right who keep insisting that our founding fathers meant for this to be a Christian nation, so I thought they’d be horrified that a holiday celebrating American history would be combined with a non-Christian observance. But so far the only objection has come from comedian Stephen Colbert (who complained that the war on Christmas is now going after Thanksgiving). So we can celebrate without reservation!
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Oct 30, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET It’s always astounding when two closely related things turn out to be complete opposites. Like siblings who have totally different body types, books with matching bindings but one is Jane Austen and the other is Judith Krantz, or the time my father took his first bite into an avocado slice, not knowing what it was but assuming it was some sort of cucumber.
This same-but-opposite premise has been the basis of numerous stories, from The Prince & The Pauper to Hannah Montana, but perhaps the best-known example was the classic Patty Duke Show, where the teen actress played identical cousins with vastly different backgrounds and tastes. (Yes, I know, there is no such thing as “identical cousins” and we all know it was Patty playing both roles, although if you’ve read her autobiography you know her real name was Anna, her managers manipulated her and she felt like a manufactured product, so she was playing an actress playing 2 different cousins, which is a meta-meta-façade.) (Sort of like the irony of Debbie Reynold’s role in Singin’ In The Rain, where her character was dubbing the Lena Lamont’s lines in the movie but the producers thought Reynolds sounded too cutesy so they had her lines dubbed by Jean Hagen, the actress playing Lena Lamont . . . but I digress . . . )
Anyway, The Patty Duke Show’s iconic theme song has come to symbolize any zany combination of opposites, or at least it has to those of us old enough to remember the show. (My husband is several years younger than I am, so when I mentioned the song to him, he thought I was referring to “Sisters, Sisters” from White Christmas.) (My husband also had to be informed that Paul McCartney, of whom he is a huge fan, actually played in a successful band before Wings . . . . ) So I thought it would be an appropriate way to sum up the vastly different-yet-similar viewpoints in Washington D. C. (Spoiler alert – I’m not referring to the Democrats vs. the Republicans . . .)
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