By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Aug 14, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
New World Order. As in new “fast food order”–in the post-Chick-Fil-A politicization of poultry world we now live in.
And everything has changed.
I was on a conference call today with two guys who live in a liberal northeastern state and I was asked to describe Kentucky’s politics. I blurted out, “We are a Chik-Fil-A state” and no further explanation was needed.
But tonight things took a personal turn.
I was hungry and tired and driving in my hometown Louisville, KY. I wanted to go to Chik-Fil-A. But I didn’t. At some deep level I felt like “my kind” wasn’t welcome there. You know the kind I’m talking about: democratic heterosexuals who don’t spend a lot of time thinking about gay sex.
So I did what any good populist loving, bring-me-your-poor-and-huddled-masses democrat would do. I went to Taco Bell instead. Which allowed me the extra political satisfaction of slyly making a subtle political statement opposing immigration too. I was self-satisfied from a political standpoint but as I ate my very masculine Crunchwrap Supreme from the Taco Bell parking lot I kept looking at the Chick-Fil-A sign from across the street. And getting angrier—and hungrier.
I imagined the chicken salad sandwich on toasted bread with cole slaw on the side and for a split second caught myself re-considering my views on civil unions. I was ashamed. And wanted to send Chick-Fil-A a message for putting me in this awful predicament.
I threw down my Crunchwrap Supreme and drove across the street and into the belly of the beast. As I pulled in I felt like I had just pulled into the Creationism Museum circa 1950 and hoped no one was on to me—a political subversive on the premises trying to score a chicken salad sandwich without being outed. So far, so good.
My plan was to order at the drive thru and then pause and ask if they were running any “Heterosexual discounts” today and then casually mention I just celebrated 21 years of marriage to my heterosexual wife to make them think I was one of them.
But as I pulled up to the drive thru a kind female voice asked how she could she “serve” me—and was sincere and patient and kind. I was embarrassed. I couldn’t go through with my silly little prank. But I couldn’t just eat at Chik-Fil-A and not do something to show I wasn’t selling out my political convictions for a measly chicken sandwich. So I ordered “Waffle Potato Fries”—the gayest thing on the menu. No “Freedom fries” here. More like “Fairy fries” if you ask me. And as I enjoyed the delicious fries in the Chick-Fil-A parking lot I thought to myself, “These are Deee-VINE!!” An inside dig with myself as I sneered at the nice and helpful waitress inside.
And then I drove away—disappointed at my juvenile behavior but encouraged that Chick-Fil-A types and my type aren’t that far apart after all. We really never are, you know.
I mean….those fries may not be the gay marrying kind…but by the time Chick-Fil-A is finished with them, there’s nothing remotely heterosexual about them.
And then I got it. I think it Chick-Fil-A’s way of winking to the rest of us and saying,
“We may be traditionalist for the most part. But we still know how to get our gay on too!”
And that made me feel better about returning soon to Chick-Fil-A.
And made me smile to myself and think, “Maybe we really can all get along”
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Aug 13, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
The first thing I thought of when I Googled news of Paul Ryan being Mitt Romney’s choice for VP was “He looks like Romney’s Mini Me.” I thought I’d start off my post with this observation but decided to Google “Paul Ryan and Mini Me” to make sure no one else had used it already. Apparently, Mitt Romney had. Reportedly, Mitt when informing Ryan of his choice said, “Mini Me, you complete me.” Which is an even funnier than what I was going to say using the Mini Me line. So, I’ll just leave it at that. I can’t improve on Mitt’s own words. Just read them and pretend like Mitt was joking. Hilarious!!
Things like that seem to happen to Mitt a lot. He intends for things to be taken one way, and they end up being taken the other, more obvious way. It’s an endearing quality because Mitt isn’t doing it as an act. It’s sweet. It humanizes him. Really.
I suspect with his VP choice Mitt was trying to emulate the most successful VP pick in modern presidential campaigns: Bill Clinton’s choice of Al Gore. It was a surprising and bold move –and like Mitt done by a challenger running against an incumbent president. It created momentum because it reinforced Clinton’s personal brand (DLC democrat) and “just worked” despite politically logical reasons to go a different way. Clinton, of course, didn’t say to Al, “Mini Me, you complete me.” And the pair went on to win the presidency and vice-presidency and govern for 8 years.
I think Mitt was trying for this same formula but, again, shanked it. Sure, Ryan is similar to Romney but not in a way that creates electoral dynamism. He comes off more like Mitt’s younger brother who majored in economics instead of finance as opposed to a fun and synergistic compliment to Mitt. But there are those who could have fit that bill. In my opinion the obvious selection for Mitt’s VP who could have provided the same electoral dynamism we saw in 1996, is obvious. Bill Paxton, star of HBO’s Big Love.
Paxton, like Romney, is an outsider and Mormon. He’s a very successful no-nonsense businessman whose small business expertise could temper Romney’s narrow business image as more of a financier than everyday American businessperson, like Paxton’s character. Paxton also has cross-over appeal to democrats—both male and female. When polled, democratic males 18-85 answered “D” by an overwhelming majority to the question, “Which one of Bill Paxton’s wive’s is the hottest? A) Barb, B) Nicki, C) Margi or D) All of them? And another overwhelming majority of democratic males answered “yes,” to the follow up poll question, “If a republican vice presidential candidate could juggle three hotties and still pay all the bills, would you be more likely to vote for that ticket?”
Conversely, female voters from both parties polled about Paxton scored him high on “security issues,” “pro-life,” “immigration,” “family values” and “ideal second husband” (interestingly, polling data showed the fact he’d have to be shared with three other women can be a plus for a second husband). And both male and female voters from both parties felt Paxton’s ability to maneuver the temperamental ingénue Margi was a good indication he could work with House of Representatives. A similar percentage believed having managed to keep the attractive but matronly Barb happy all these years showed Paxton could deal adeptly with Sen Mitch McConnell’s dryly sensible and scolding leadership style. And the fact that Paxton seemed to keep Nicki (Chloë Sevigny) happy as a sister-wife had no political significance according the polling, but almost all polled considered it “friggin’ amazing.”
Other pluses of a Paxton choice for veep is that he has a casual yet connected air about him to contrast with what some consider Romney’s uptight remoteness. Everyone knows Utah (where Big Love is set) is the country’s most conservative state. So Paxton could simultaneously burnish Romney’s conservative bona fides while also eating into democrats Hollywood’s fundraising edge.
Of course, polygamy has been outlawed by the Morman faith and it’s supposed to be politically incorrect (even taboo) to ever mention it was part of the Mormon faith tradition. But in this context it is a clear political plus. I mean, c’mom, let’s be serious. Does anyone believe Joe Biden is suave enough to handle 3 wives?! In the upcoming Centre College debate, Paxton wouldn’t even have to be very knowledgeable about policy. He could merely try to convince voters that Mitt Romney really is a lot like his character in Big Love and it would be a blowout of Biden. An ad running before the debate with each of the sister-wives starting into the camera saying, “Joe Biden, I know Bill Hendrickson (Paxton’s character in Big Love), Bill Hendrickson is a husband of mine. Mr Biden, you are no Bill Hendrickson” would be a potential knock-out punch. A republican Lloyd Bentsen moment on steroids –and Viagra. Even better it would benefit the presidential candidate, Romney, even more than the vice-presidential candidate.
And here’s the beauty part. Romney, when notifying Paxton of his choice could still have said, “Mini Me, you complete me.” And Paxton is so cool that everyone would have taken it as a hilarious insider Hollywood joke. Romney would have realized that he stumbled into a brilliant comment that was genuinely funny. And started laughing himself at how inadvertently hysterical he was. And if all that happened standing on stage next to Bill Paxton, it would have been Mitt Romney’s finest, funnest and most human moment in the campaign. And in an odd way, would have perhaps been Mitt’s most “presidential” moment of the campaign yet.
Heck, even conservatives would have to admit they kinda liked Romney on that night.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Aug 10, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
His Brain; Her Brain: How we are different
I bought this thick “Collector’s Edition” at the airport. As we boarded the plane my wife smiled and pointed to her carry-on bag. She had bought it too.
But here’s the difference. I suspect she bought the magazine to try to understand differences that can be applicable in our home. I bought the magazine to find out how better to defend myself and negotiate with my wife to more often get what I want.
So, even though men and women have similarities…the motives and methods are usually distinctly different.
Anyway, I think this example tells the tale. And saved me from reading 112 pages. Because now I can let my wife read it and just explain it to me.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Aug 9, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Dear Olympics,
A modest proposal.
In the future, if you want to pull in a bigger and broader audience and gin up some fun and dazzling sports competition, please have fewer athletic events that seem selected by a prep school athletic director and more sporting events drawn from popular street ball pick up games.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Aug 8, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
A fancy story. About Kentucky politics.
In Kentucky we still have the medieval practice of Trial by Ordeal for our politicians. And it’s a great amount of fun for spectators. If you want to take your place among Kentucky’s statewide and congressional officeholders you must first survive Fancy Farm. Part stump speaking; part right of passage.
To borrow from Frank Sinatra, “If you can make it there (Fancy Farm), you can make it anywhere.”
It is the Southern political equivalent of an actor making it through his or her first Broadway show. You have been initiated and are now part of an elite club. You have what it takes…and the courage to put it all that on the line. And you survived. This time. And for a while you have the respect of others.
I remember preparing for my second Fancy Farm speech. I was in deep West KY outside our Super 8 hotel. I was sitting alone on the curb scanning the local newspapers for local tidbits to pepper my speech with while others ate breakfast inside. I overheard two people talking about me admiringly. Two people I had come to know well.
“Look at him. He’s something isn’t he? He’s reading those papers and putting his speech together in his head right now. I don’t know how he does it.”
And yet just a few days earlier I heard these same two people talking about me in a very different way. “You know you can’t rely on him. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. If you want something done, don’t expect him to do it.”
It was my wife and mother-in-law talking about me.
But Fancy Farm changed all that. Suddenly I went from failure on the home front to being a hero—one of only a few who would take the Fancy Farm platform later that day. And they were related to me. It made them proud. It made me feel special.
And grateful, for this one day each year, I wouldn’t be expected to run any errands or be judged on the same scale as ordinary mortals. Which was never my strong suit anyway.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Aug 7, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
About 16 months ago I agreed reluctantly to write a weekly column for the new Recovering Politician blog. I believed in the idea and wanted to support my friend Jonathan Miller’s efforts.
Personally, my hope was to write 4 or 5 obligatory columns and then start coming up with excuses for why I couldn’t continue and then just slip off his radar.
But that didn’t happen. I started making up excuses for why I couldn’t continue after my first and only column. I enjoyed writing the column but I didn’t want to be under a deadline, didn’t have the time to devote to a regular lengthy columns, and didn’t want to write about politics.
Jonathan then came up with a compromise. He said, “Don’t feel obligated to write anything. Don’t write about politics and make it informal and conversational —like when you write something on Facebook. (I had just gotten in the habit of posting random thoughts on Facebook.)
Jonathan went on, “But when you do feel the desire to write, post it on Facebook and if it is something that can work on the blog, I’ll post it.”
I was stuck. There was nothing to say “no” to. So I mumbled that it sounded like a good idea. And it was.
This my 200th post for The Recovering Politician. About 199 more than I thought I had time for under the original plan.
So, thanks Jonathan for the opportunity to write for your blog. Thanks also for the encouraging nudge. And thanks to all of my Facebook friends for putting up with my fits of conversational prose, impulsive observations, quirky insights and a dozen other kinds of random, mundane and fleeting thoughts.
Here’s the original piece for the RP that–in truth–I tried to come up with an excuse not to write before I finished it. But somehow got it done. And am glad I did.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Aug 6, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
New York Notebook.
A Kentucky family spends a few days in the Big Apple just before their college-bound son leaves for his freshman year. There is a parental sense of obligation to expose him at least once to the big city before leaving the nest. There is no real itinerary. Just a last minute plan to get to NY, see the city, and return safely home. And hopes that the entire family feels that they can “Make it there.” Because, as the song says, if you can do that, “You can make it anywhere.”
And I gotta admit I really do Iike that song. Even if I haven’t cared a great deal for New York. But I’m keeping an open mind and trying to see the city with fresh eyes and try to make sense of it. With the occasional post for The Recovering Politician blog.
I am in New York City and amazed at how little difference there is between here and back home in Kentucky.
Here’s a picture from the subway.
It’s just like Walmart except underground an not as well organized in different sections.
Oh yeah. And a subway.
= = =
More on NY. Well….they have the iPhone here too. Shoot! Hoping we’d have them on that one.
Based in conversations so far most everyone is working only part-time or in a temporary job. And most everyone is really a full-time actor, actress or model. And a solid number of can drivers.
Pretty limited economy, if you ask me.
= = =
My college bound boy apparently closing a business deal before a power lunch in the city. With his sister. —
Yesterday I was having trouble with a mobile device and went to the Verizon store to see if they would exchange it.
There was a pleasant looking Egyptian gentleman behind me who listened as I explained my situation. The store clerk politely said I couldn’t exchange it. I thanked him and left. Two blocks later I hear a “Sir. Excuse me, sir!” It was the Egyptian man from the store.
“I overheard you and was wondering if you’d like to sell to me.”
“Well, I don’t know. Really?” I gave him a price that was more than I expected.”
He countered just slightly lower and I said OK.
He paid me cash and I introduced myself. He said, his name was Mohammad (or “Mo”) and that he was head waiter at The Palm restaurant down the street and we should try it out. He told me about his son in Egypt (who the device was for) and said he thought it was a fair deal. I agreed and we shook hands and parted ways.
Later in the day I called The Palm and made a reservation for dinner. It’s an historic restaurant with a long and colorful history that is obvious from the walls which are covered with pictures, drawings and news clippings from the past.
We were seated and I surprised my family by asking if Mo was working that night.
The maitre d smiled broadly and said he would let Mo know I had arrived. A few minutes later we were warmly greeted like old friends and long time patrons.
My family was impressed.
I offered slyly, “What can I say? I know some people who know some people…..and, yes, Mo is a friend.”
It was a nice dinner. A good deal. And we all thanked Mo as we left and a great family dinner came to an end.
= = =
Two Kentucky beauties in the Big Apple. Holding their own. And then some.
I learned about “Truth is” from my daughter’s Facebook page. I’m gonna try it.
Truth is New York used to intimidate me.
Truth is I found a hotel and made reservations and picked out a restaurant tonight for the family.
Truth is I walked the streets of the city today and no one seemed able to notice I was trying hard not to be noticed by standing out like a tourist. Which means I basically fit in.
Truth is I’m feeling pretty grown up right now.
Truth is at 49 I still consider that a small but worthy victory.
====
NY City will toughen you up in short order. The hustle bustle and proud dog eat dog competitive spirit is not for the faint hearted.
Just now I ordered coffee at a crowded cafe. It was really hot but I didn’t dare ask for a sleeve for my cup. I just put in the cream and sugar and slyly placed a napkin in my pocket until I was outside and a block away.
Wish I’d gotten two napkins.
Read the rest of… John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Musings from NYC
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Aug 3, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
Inspirational Facebook Stories
It is hard to move ahead in the present until we can make peace with our past.
Facebook has allowed us to have an unprecedented opportunity to find people from our past and find ways to work through past differences.
Last night I looked up a guy who bullied me mercilessly in 6th grade. I hadn’t seen him since middle school.
I looked at his pictures on Facebook and at his life and saw him as he really was (and still is): A scared and lonely and lost boy with a seemingly empty life. I looked into his eyes and felt sorry for him and let go of the anger I had felt toward him for all these years.
I forgave him.
And then, in my imagination, I walked over from my Facebook page to his and beat the crap out of him.
As I was walking back, I turned and saw him getting up and about to come toward me.
“No, no. You don’t want to do that.” I said.
He had that resigned look on his face as if to say, “I know. You are right,”
“Be glad you caught me in a forgiving mood. If I ever see you on my Facebook page, I’ll knock you into last year’s Facebook Timeline. We clear? We good?”
“Yes, sir.”
And just like that, thanks to Facebook, I was able to make peace with a part of my past. And then some.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Aug 2, 2012 at 12:00 PM ET
It wasn’t long ago that this was the only option for TV entertainment after 1 am.
And now you can’t find the DVD series anywhere. I guess that shouldn’t come as a surprise.
The writing was weak. Nothing much happened. Yet it was nice knowing it was an option. And when I did stare at the Indian test pattern, it had a calming effect on me.
And it became a TV institution.
I suspect someone somewhere in Hollywood is thinking of a modern remake of this time honored piece of TV history.
Maybe starring the Indian guy from the Twilight series who turns into a werewolf. I actually liked him a lot. He inspired me to start working out and I thought he was a more compelling and interesting character than the guy who played Edward Cullen.
On the other hand, the Indian role in the test pattern is eerily similar in breadth and scope to the Edward Cullen character. Quiet, stoic, brave, eccentric, bit of an outcast, and up all night without much nuance. Yeah, maybe the guy who plays Cullen would be a better fit.
This remake idea could be big. I am already seeing a sequel in the works before the first one is finished.
A new book, Disorder in the Court, jabs the legal practice with the verbatim words during legal proceedings as recorded by the legal reporter.
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