By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 20, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET Apologies and the sexes. (Yes, there are differences. Between the sexes. And, yes, differences in how they apologize to one another).
I asked my lovely and beloved wife, Rebecca, for an apology this morning for something kinda hurtful she blurted out in haste to me during a minor misunderstanding we had—and after I had blurted out something kinda hurtful to her. And also after I had apologized for my mistaken kinda hurtful comment caused by our misunderstanding.
My apology was direct, clear and stated multiple times in multiple ways with slightly different wording to make clear my apology was for what I had said and that it was beyond dispute I was at fault.
It felt good to clean up my side of the street in the same way it must feel when, say, a teenager gets caught dining and dashing and the owner of the restaurant catches him and wants to teach him a lesson by beating him up and making him wash dishes for 8 hours straight for the grilled cheese sandwich and soda he dined and dashed on and then making him apologize after calling the cops and his parents and then beats him up again and leaves him outside the locked restaurant door in the cold and windy rain without a jacket. But the young man feels “whole” again. Like he’d paid penance for his wrong. I had that “whole” feeling too, conscience-wise. That’s the main point of this analogy. The rest are just ancillary similarities that aren’t as important.
So after I had finished my penance, I asked Rebecca for a reciprocal apology and to my delight it came almost immediately, rolling off her lips like someone hungry to have that “whole” feeling, penance-wise, I just described. Rebecca lovingly, patiently and methodically explained, “I am sorry, too, if what I said made you feel bad.” I liked it at first but then thought about it and if started to feel like it was my fault and that what Rebecca blurted out to me was actually very reasonable and it was really something defective in me that caused the comment to bother me at all….and that it wouldn’t have bothered a more reasonable person. (Rebecca basically called me “imprudent” although I am paraphrasing).
 After I said, “Thank you,” for the “apology” I began to realize that my “thank you” only reinforced the imprudent reference. So I asked Rebecca for an elaboration to her apology—and quickly got it.
Rebecca clarified that she was sorry also if the tone of her comment made me feel bad.
Phew! This was definitely a big improvement. I think.
So it really wasn’t all my fault —although it still felt like it—and there was more at play than me merely reacting unreasonably. Rebecca ceded that there was a “tone” problem on her side. I liked that. Nothing else to apologize for, mind you.
I then made the mistake of asking “Except for the tone part and my feeling bad part, was there anything else you regretted that you’d like to articulate to me now?” (I’m paraphrasing). I was relieved to find there was. Rebecca, understandingly getting a little exasperated by now with attempts to squeeze more and more of an apology to me out of, conceded that the “timing” of the imprudent comment was probably unfortunate given that I was writing an important email and could have waited until I was finished.
Well now THAT was really all I was looking for! And now I felt fully reconciled and understood.
I think, anyway.
Look, let’s just net this thing out. Sure, I had one simple apology (with multiple recitations….but once you say it it gets easier each time).
And by contrast, if you are keeping score at home, I got not one but three—that’s right THREE (3)!!—apologies in return.
Clearly, I was able to extract more apology-wise than Rebecca got from me.
And here’s the beauty part. I didn’t even have to mention I had screwed up on my comment on the tone, timing and how it made Rebecca feel! Totally off-the hook on that.
In the world of chess, gentlemen, I believe we call that “Game, set, and match,” right? No, wait. That’s tennis. I mean, gentlemen, in the chess world they call that “Checkmate!”, right? Or maybe they say “King me!” I can’t remember exactly. Anyway, the point is, I’m pretty sure I carried the male flag shrewdly and impressively today in this face-off for apologies between the sexes.
And if I didn’t, gentlemen, I apologize for blowing it. And for the tone, timing and way this entire post made you rightfully feel.
===
The sexes apologies and dentistry
1) A man apologizing to a woman is about as painful, as difficult and carries the same resistance as agreeing to have a cavity filled in a decaying tooth.
2) For a woman apologizing to a man is about as painful, as difficult, and carries the same resistance as agreeing to have a tooth extracted that arguably shouldn’t be.
Note: Filling cavities occurs much more frequently than tooth extractions. And cavities, over time, often need re-filling. An extracted tooth, on the other hand, is a one-time event. And often, over time, gets replaced with a shiny new implant.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Dec 20, 2013 at 10:00 AM ET Sam Youngman is someone who if you haven’t heard of yet, you will.
And you will enjoy hearing from and about him –and want to hear more about him. And read more from him.
Sam is the Lexington Herald-Leader’s newest political reporter after recently returning from DC to his home state of Kentucky.
The cliched comment would be to reference something about Kentucky’s brain drain and Sam’s return being a bright spot and encouraging anecdote that Kentucky’s best and brightest do often return home to settle down. But Sam’s story is anything but a cliche or mere anecdote. I would say it is a story epic in its trajectory but serenely sane in its current arc–an arc which seems to be good news for Kentucky generally and Sam personally.
And D.C.’s loss–as Sam decided he’d absorbed about all the wisdom one can staring into an abyss. Sam appears to have concluded that the mirage of besotted and noisy power games in our nation’s capital was , in fact, an abyss –and that the orgiastic yet mind-numbing self-absorbed tedium drawing him in was instead the abyss staring back at him.
Please read this wonderfully witty and searingly honest and insightful piece about Sam Youngman’s journey home.
Homer-esque at moments; and at other times capable of making the Prodigal Son blush. But with a similar happy ending; just not one that is similarly Biblical in proportion. In fact, it’s a very humble ending that really isn’t an ending all. But rather an inspired and edifying new beginning.
Welcome home, young man. (No pun intended. Seriously)
By Julie Rath, on Fri Dec 20, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET 1. Hair product can tend to make your forehead shiny, so wash your face after application to avoid that lacquered look.
2. If the weather is foul, and the party you’re going to isn’t dressy, try wearing a dark wash, slimmer cut pair of jeans with rugged boots. You can even roll your jeans up neatly as seen here:
3. Be prepared for the occasional host who asks guests to remove shoes at the door by wearing dress socks that are in good repair – you could even try a pair of red or green ones (not both!) for subtly festive flavor. I like these which are on sale from J. Crew.
Read the rest of…
Julie Rath: Ten Holiday Party Do’s and Don’ts for the Stylish Man
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Dec 19, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET I just always check “I agree to all the terms and conditions” without ever actually reading the fine print of a website privacy policy.
But today I decided to try something different and read a privacy policy I was asked to agree to. In fact, I read several. It all sounded like fairly routine language and, you know, they all have almost identical language. But one section I found hidden in every privacy policy that I found gave me pause. Maybe it is standard boilerplate language but it seemed to stand out to me as somewhat concerning.
Here it is below in a section of the privacy policy. See the portion in parenthesis.
“We do not sell or rent any part of your information to a third party without your permission unless you opt out, we may use your (Hahahaha your mother wears combat boots you stupid moron!!! Oh, and by the way, your combat-boot wearing mother can’t do anything about all the crazy ways we are gonna make bank by using your personal information even though we pretend we aren’t going to. You just signed your life away. Hahaha!!!) contact information to provide you or others with information we believe you or others may need to know or find useful, such as but not limited to…….”
By Josh Bowen, on Thu Dec 19, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET “The journey is not measured by math but by feelings, because the feel lasts longer.”
Most will come to me with the idea of losing weight, body fat, gaining muscle or something that can be tracked. What most will realize is these measurables only account for a small percentage of the journey. It is the things we cannot measure by numbers that matter most. Increased self esteem, more energy, believing in one’s self are all feelings you cannot measure but have a dramatic impact on how you will feel about fitness.
To me, as a trainer, the most impactful reflection from fitness is confidence. Transforming one’s body and loving what you see in the mirror is great but having the confidence inside the gym as well as outside the gym, impacting EVERY intricate detail of life, is what fitness is all about. As a skinny 140 lbs weakling, I learned the value of confidence through fitness. I was shy and my social skills were lacking but as I started my journey in fitness I realized my confidence began to blossom. My social life was dramatically improved. The way I felt about me and my world couldn’t of been better. Not only did I transform my body but my life. Fitness is that impactful. Quite frankly, I cannot think of another thing that can have as big of a dramatic impactful on someone’s mind, body and spirt as fitness. It literally impacts everything about you.
 The most successful clients I have had have been impactful by increased confidence. As a result, some have had increased function in their occupation, some have increased their relationships with their significant others, some have had increased their confidence to walk away from bad situations and others have had the confidence to walk away from their full time careers and transition into fulfilling their dream of being a personal trainer. It comes in all shapes and sizes, feelings and impacts but confidence is by far my favorite direct reflection of the fitness journey. It also has the most impact on people’s lives, all the more reason to start your fitness journey.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Dec 18, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Another brilliant business idea. Sort of.
(Think late night infomercial)
In our more mature years resolving marital disagreements can be challenging.
When couples are younger couple and one spouse (often the male spouse) finds himself in error, there are a variety of conventional methods for remediation. These can range from from taking on extra chores around the house, finally doing yard work put off for too long, visiting in-laws for the weekend, long talks processing feelings, to utilizing the pull out couch in the den over night.
But as you get older a male spouse’s energy level and physical limitations make some of these conventional remedies impractical. Yet a mistake was still made and something has to be done about it.
I propose a new product that allows perjorative things to be written on the offending spouse’s tombstone for an agreed on period of time. The product would be made with a type of disappearing ink after a set number of days, weeks, or in some cases, years depending on what the spouses agree upon is the appropriate period of time for the public humiliation punishment.
For example, a tombstone could read:
John Smith 1947- 2026
Loving husband, great father, and dear friend to many
Lazy (2011)
Inconsiderate (2013)
Assh*** (2005)
The last three rememberances could be in the disappearing ink and written out without asterisks with the year the offending behavior occurered in parenthesis. These could be recompense for punishment for mistakes made in the past but during the mature years.
The beauty part is there is no painful extra work in the yard to do right now but a satisfactory punishment is still meted out that is appropriate to the misdeed. And remains for everyone to see. At least long enough for everyone the surviving spouse wants to see it. (For example, long enough for all living friends to see but not great grand children)
And for just an extra $9.95 a month the same tombstone message can be placed on the bereavement website for your loved one.
This way, finally, there is a way for both the deceased and their surviving spouse to Rest In Peace.
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Dec 18, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
Last week I wrote about how Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin, et al were trying to stir up a frenzy over their imaginary ‘War on Christmas.’ Which at the time seemed like the height of going on the attack by trying to make oneself into a victim – but oh, ye of little faith, ye didn’t count on Megyn Kelly and ‘Santagate’.
In case you’ve been under a rock all week, a writer for Slate (an online magazine) wondered why traditional images of Santa Clause were always Caucasian, and she suggested that we consider race-free options (like a Penguin Claus – sort of like the Easter Bunny, or the Purim Hamster). This prompted Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly to trash her previous reputation for being more intelligent than her colleagues (remember her arguing with Karl Rove about the 2012 election results?), by convening a ‘panel’ to debate the issue, which as far as I could tell consisted of just one article (that hadn’t been very widely read until Kelly publicized it). She expressed her outrage that political correctness might trump truth, because it was a historical, verifiable fact that Santa is white – just like Jesus.
When critics began weighing in, Kelly immediately went on the defensive, claiming she was being attacked by race-baiting humor-less haters who didn’t get that the whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. On top of the fact that the original segment wasn’t particularly funny, one could also point to Kelly’s recent appearance on The Tonight Show, when she insisted she was a serious journalist, not an entertainer. But my biggest issue is that it’s hard to complain about being criticized when she’s the one who started criticizing in the first place.
The whole thing reminds me of sitcom fights where a younger sibling (Cindy Brady?) kicks an older one (Jan?) and when Jan retaliates, Cindy runs to mom, claiming “Jan is picking on me.” (And no, I don’t know what episode that was, it just sounds pretty plausible – plus I promised my own sons I’d stop embarrassing them by using them as examples.)
So as long as I’m in parental mode, I’d give Ms. Kelly the same advice most parents give their offspring – try to get along by putting yourself in each other’s shoes. And if you’re going to say something as silly as “Santa just IS white, it’s a historical, verifiable fact,” put yourself in the shoes of a liberally-inclined humorist and see if YOU could resist the temptation!
By Jonathan Miller, on Tue Dec 17, 2013 at 5:00 PM ET  Interested in being a part of Mark Nickolas’ first significant film project? The political operative-turned blogger-turned documentary filmmaker is in the middle of his first Kickstarter campaign to fund his latest film titled ‘This Is Not Graffiti,’ an important short film that will explore the use of political graffiti and street art as a catalyst for popular revolutions and uprisings around the world.
Mark is 17 days into his 36-day fundraising period and has already raised about 50% of his $18,500 budget, with pledges ranging from $1 to $2,500. But Kickstarter is an all-or-nothing platform. If he doesn’t hit his target, no pledges are processed and he gets nothing. Besides, the project offers very cool rewards starting at the $10 level, so they are great stocking stuffers!
As you may recall from our reporting here, his first film (which was simply a graduate film school project), garnered considerable national press, was a Smithsonian finalist, and is now on the film festival circuit. (check out his website if you want see/read more about his work at mosaicfilmsnyc.com).
Love him or hate him, those of you that know or remember Mark will recall his impressive level of success at his work, be it campaigns, with his writing, or with his very early film work. His new film project is already getting a considerable amount of attention and backing (including from yours truly), and you should check it out here.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Dec 17, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET How does one say RIP to a man, Peter O’Toole, who once quipped, “I hate the light. I hate weather. Heaven for me is moving from one smoke-filled room to another?”
And to complicate matters further, O’Toole hilariously played an aristocratic delusional man who believed he was God in The Ruling Class. His doctor asks, “When did you realize you were God?” and O’Toole explains, “One day when I was praying I realized I was talking to myself.”
Today we lost, professionally, one of our greatest actors and even greater stage presences; and personally, we lost a preposterously delightful and divinely charming character’s character.
Upon hearing of Peter O’Toole’s death, I kept thinking of the story he told nearly a decade ago about what he wanted written on his tombstone.
After a trip to his dry cleaners’ to drop off his beloved leather jacket, one that he sent in “because it was covered in blood and Guinness and scotch and Cornflakes, the usual,” the jacket was returned with a note pinned on it:
“It distresses us to return work which is not perfect.”
And that’s what Peter O’Toole wants his tombstone. Maybe he’ll get his wish.
There are too many memorable video clips to pick just one. But since one is the limit for a post, this is a fitting one and they way I prefer to remember, Mr O’Toole–whose most magical role as an actor, perhaps, was simply playing himself.
(Start at about the 3:50 mark)
By Liz Roach, on Tue Dec 17, 2013 at 1:30 PM ET “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion.” – Franz Kafka
While Kafka wasn’t talking about baking, he may as well have been. In the midst of hectic holiday preparations and festivities, I’m here to implore you: don’t water down your favorite recipes just because they may be rich or “unhealthy.” I won’t be so dramatic as to compare it to editing one’s soul…however! Don’t edit the soul of your dish. It’s the holidays. Live a little.
To that end, let’s talk about your to-do list. Have you finished everything? What about those last-minute presents you’ve been putting off? What about that hard to shop for uncle, or the boss who has everything? What about the acquaintance that unexpectedly gave you a gift, and now you’re scrambling to find something for them?
I’ve got a (relatively) quick solution for you: make them something. It’s meaningful, easy, and can be shared with a wide audience. Scads of recipes lie in wait for you within the Internet abyss: homemade jams, pickles, sauces, and hot chocolate are all great options.
 Last year, I baked chocolate hazelnut cookies for some of my cohort from a recipe I found online. Recipients liked them so much, I decided to make them a Christmas tradition. I’ve shared a copy of the recipe below, which I promise is not as complicated as it looks.
For a savory option, you can’t go wrong with bourbon beer cheese. My cousin Amanda Cole and good friend Ashley Baker get together every December to whip up a batch, and my aunt Robyn has kindly shared the recipe for your consumption.
My only rule for these recipes is this: no low calorie substitutions allowed. You’ve got a foodie soul to protect.
What are you waiting for? Get cooking!
Baci di Dama Cookies
(from http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2012/11/baci-di-dama-cookies-recipe/)
About 45 cookies
Recipe by Terresa Murphy of La Cucina di Terresa
Ingredients:
1 1/4 cups (140g) hazelnuts, toasted and skinned
1 cup (140g) rice flour (or all-purpose flour)
3 1/2 ounces (100g) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1/2 cup (100g) sugar
Pinch of salt
2 ounces (55g) bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, chopped
Directions:
Toast the hazelnuts in a 325ºF (160ºC) for 10 to 15 minutes, until they’re a deep golden brown color and the skins are peeling away. Remove from the oven and as soon as they’re cool enough to handle, rub the hazelnuts in a tea towel (or if they’re not too hot, with your hands), until as much of the loose skins come off as possible. Let them cool completely before grinding them up.
1. Put the hazelnuts in the bowl of a food processor and pulse them until very fine; they should be the consistency of coarse polenta.
2. Transfer the ground nuts to a bowl and add the rice flour (if using all-purpose flour, sift it in). Cut the butter into pieces then add the butter, sugar, and salt to the dry ingredients. Use your hands to mix all the ingredients together until the butter is dispersed and completely incorporated. The dough should be very smooth and hold together. If not, knead it until it does.
3. Divide the dough into three equal pieces and roll each piece until it’s 3/4-inch (2cm) round. Try to get them as smooth as possible, with no cracks. If the dough is too long to work with as you roll them out, you can cut the dough at the midway point and work with it in batches.
Chill the dough logs until firm on a small baking sheet or dinner plate lined with plastic wrap or parchment paper. (Terresa recommends refrigerating them for 2-3 hours, but we put them in the freezer and they were cold within 15 minutes.)
4. Preheat oven to 325ºF (160ºC) and line two baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone baking mats.
5. Working with one length of dough at a time, keeping the others in the refrigerator or freezer, cut off equal-sized pieces using a knife or pastry cutter. The ideal is 5 grams each, if working with a scale. The fastest way to do it is to cut one to the right weight, then hold that one alongside the logs and use it as a template to cut the others. Once you’ve cut a length of dough, roll the pieces into nice little balls and place them on the baking sheet, slightly spaced apart.
If you don’t have a scale, simply roll the dough to the size of a marble, trying to keep them as similar in size as possible.
6. Continue cutting the dough and rolling it into little balls. Bake the cookies for 10 to 14 minutes, rotating the baking sheets in the oven midway during cooking, until the tops are lightly golden brown. Let the cookies cool completely.
7. In a clean, dry bowl set over a pan of barely simmering water, melt the chocolate until smooth. Put a chocolate chip-sized dollop of chocolate on the bottom of one cookie and take another cookie, and sandwich the two halves together.
Once filled, set the Baci di Dama sideways on a wire cooling rack until the chocolate is firm. The cookies will keep in an airtight container at room temperature for up to one week.
(Liz’s note: To get more bang for your buck out of the dough, I skip sandwiching the cookies together.)
Bourbon Beer Cheese
(adapted from Jonathan at Gratz Park chef Jonathan Lundy’s recipe http://jagp.info/bluegrass-table-cookbook.html)
Ingredients:
14 ounces sharp cheddar cheese
4 ounces smoked cheddar cheese
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 tablespoon caramelized onions
12 ounces Ky Bourbon Barrel Ale
1 tablespoon of Bourbon
1 tablespoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
2 tablespoons paprika
1/4 teaspoon cayenne powder
Directions:
Shred cheddar cheeses. In food processor, puree caramelized onions and shredded cheeses. Slowly add beer. Process until smooth and add remaining ingredients, continuing to process until creamy smooth consistency.
Can be stored in refrigerator for up to 2 weeks. Make ahead as flavor takes a while to develop.
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