By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Feb 5, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET Sure, I envy rich people – most of us do, if we’re honest. But usually I don’t begrudge them their wealth – I can admire their accomplishments, aspire to be like them, or just enjoy the fact that if it weren’t for rich people giving parties & hiring bands, most musicians I know would be even more under-employed. (What’s the difference between a musician and a savings bond? The savings bond eventually matures and makes money. Cue rim-shot.)
Of course, there have always been those hideous examples of gross over-consumption or bad behavior that can give wealth a bad rap. (You know, the CEOs with gold-plated toilet seats in their private bathrooms, the jewel-encrusted socialite who owes her maid back pay, the wealth congresspeople who vote to pay themselves hundreds of thousands in farm subsidies.) Other rich people can be counted on to put them in their place with a throaty “How vulgar,” like Cyd Charisse’s character’s reaction to seeing a ‘talking picture’ at a party in Singing In The Rain. (I once played at a very expensive country club, where one of the drunken members was trying to make suggestive remarks to me – at least as far as one could understand his slurring. I was trying to put him off politely, not wanting to be rude to a client, but a lovely silver-haired dowager heard him and told him in no uncertain terms to do something anatomically impossible to himself. That’s the kind of rich person I want to be! . . . but I digress)
These days, of course, income inequality is all the rage – probably because income inequality is at levels not seen since the Gilded Age. Naturally, one might expect the very richest people to feel a bit under siege, but they don’t help themselves when they make public comments about unemployment insurance just encouraging people to be lazy, or feeling just like Jews in Nazi Germany. (Note of advice to Tom Perkins – unless you’re Jewish and have relatives who are Holocaust survivors, that is not a very good idea. Nor is it smart to defend your remarks while bragging about a $380,000 watch that is ‘worth a 6-pack of Rolexes.)
But I’m not jealous of Tom Perkins – in fact, I’m grateful to him for inspiring my next song (which is my way of saying to him what that kind dowager said to the boor who was bothering me . . . )
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET WWKWHD?
Most of these wristbands are proactive and preventive in that they urge us to ask ourselves What would a certain person do “before” action is taken.
But let’s be real. We don’t always remember to ask ourselves before we do something and sometimes still make mistakes.
 Then what?
I have a solution. I also wear a second wristband for just such instances. When I screw up, I look at my wrist and ask myself “What Would Kayne West Have Done?”
The question is past tense. And what Kayne would have done is always something much worse and crazier than what I did. And that makes me feel better.
And will make you feel better too!
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Jan 22, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET
No, this isn’t dating advice (although if the title piqued your interest, at least maybe you’ll read the article . . . much along the same lines as my advice to a friend writing a dissertation she hoped she’d eventually publish as a book, to whom I suggested the title “Heroic Themes In 18th Century French Literature, or Thinner Thighs In Thirty Days.” But I digress . . . )
The Republican Party is trying to reach out to women in order to overcome a growing gender gap. Which is admirable – some of my best friends are Republicans, and they are saddened by their party’s recent tilt to the far right. There are plenty of women who want fiscally conservative candidates but also don’t want the government interfering in reproductive rights, who want small government but also want strong public education and a compassionate safety net, who believe same-sex marriage is not just morally right but pro-business (more weddings!). So they were looking forward to the so-called ‘rebranding’ efforts the GOP leaders have been trumpeting lately.
But apparently that rebranding was simply advising candidates to temper their tone, not to change any policies, where politicians were advised to show women their ‘sensitivity.’ You know, like the experiment my kids devised to see whether our dog responded more to tone of voice or actual words – you could say anything insulting or confusing in a sweet voice and the dog just wagged her taill happily. Not that I am claiming the GOP is treating us like dogs (well, actually I sort of am . . . which reminds me of that climactic argument scene in “When Harry Met Sally,” when Harry compares their differing views of the length of time since their ill-fated tryst to dog years, infuriating Sally who yells, “So which one of us is the dog?”) Republican leaders do seem to think that it’s enough to pat us on the heads and speak soothingly, and we won’t notice that they are continuing to promote the kinds of policies and views that have driven women voters away in droves.
And there seems to be a new plague of ‘Akinitis,’ ridiculous comments by male politicians about women and sex. (Remember “the female body has ways to shut that thing down”?) The latest offenders aren’t even political outliers like Todd Akin – the chair of the House Judiciary Committee has claimed that a bill banning funding for abortion is a ‘jobs creation bill’ because of all the goods & services that will be required for the future unborn children. (None of which the GOP plans to help pay for – to paraphrase Barney Frank, sometimes it feels like the current House believes the value of life begins at conception and ends at birth . . . . ) And there’s a state senator in Virginia who was quoted saying there really wasn’t any such thing as marital rape, since “she’s in a nightie.” (What about those of us who sleep in t-shirts or pj’s – does that exempt us?)
So in the interest of bipartisan cooperation, here’s a little musical advice for the current House leadership in how to appeal to women voters . . .
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Jan 15, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET Just in case you haven’t seen Avenue Q or studied German, Schadenfreude means “enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others,” which makes it sound like sadism or bullying. But combine it with hubris – in case you haven’t studied Greek or read op-ed pieces about Anthony Weiner, hubris is “extreme pride, arrogance and overconfidence.” So when someone displaying great hubris has a spectacular public failure, one could make a pretty good case for ‘justifiable schadenfreude.’
For example, have you ever enjoyed the delicious satisfaction of seeing a driver pulled over for speeding who a few miles earlier cut you off? Or isn’t it fun to hear someone telling a clearly fabricated story get tripped up by a question he or she can’t answer? It’s not that we are relishing the pain of other people, but occasionally it is sure nice to see someone get caught (often referred to as ‘hoisted by one’s own petard,’ which is a Shakespearean phrase meaning lifted by one’s own explosive device, and that makes me seem kind of mean, but ‘getting one’s just deserts’ makes it look like I’ve misspelled a bakery title . . . but I digress).
Anyway, Chris Christie may have had nothing directly to do with ‘Bridge-gate,’ as the flap over the GW Bridge closure has come to be known. And maybe it doesn’t strain credulity that several senior members of his staff planned an enormous revenge plan without consulting or informing him. However, despite his press conference performance as a mild-mannered clueless mayor sad about being lied to and betrayed, he does have a bit of a track record for being vindictive and combative. Plus in the past few months he’d made any number of disparaging, sarcastic remarks about the reporters and state legislators looking into the whole thing. So is it any wonder that plenty of people are taking just a little, teeny tiny bit of joy in his discomfort?
Incidentally, it looked for awhile like Christie had achieved the impossible – creating bipartisan agreement, since both Republicans and Democrats were criticizing him. But apparently most Republicans got the GOP memo on the subject, so they’re now all talking about the left-wing media witch hunt, and why aren’t we as critical of Obama not knowing about the IRS conspiracy to cover-up the security situation in Benghazi to distract from the health care website rollout, or something along those lines.
So now that we’re back to ‘business as usual,’ I’m indulging in comedians’ favorite form of ‘justifiable schadenfreude,’ which is finding comic relief in a politician’s self-imposed difficulties:
“Bridgegate!” –
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Jan 8, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET We’ve all been guilty of it – the inside-out logic of deliberate self-delusion, to try to convince ourselves of something we really wish were true, such as
– “I’ll get there on time as long as I hit every light and there’s no traffic”
– “I can quit drinking/smoking/bingewatching Downton Abbey whenever I want”
– “If you eat leftover dessert standing up, it doesn’t have any calories”
– “How can global warming be real if it’s snowing?”
So I’d like to give the GOP the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their objection to extending longterm unemployment benefits, spearheaded by Senator Rand Paul. His explanation is one of the all-time classic inside-out rationalizations, “Extending benefits does a disservice to the unemployed.” See, they’d be out looking for a job, even though there are 3 unemployed people for every available job, except that $200 weekly check is making them way too comfy, and so they’ll be grateful for the kick in the pants they need to go out and get a job that doesn’t exist.
And let’s assume their objection is also out of concern for the economy – even though most economists say that every dollar in unemploment benefits adds more than a dollar to the economy (because unemployed people will spend the money on frivolous items like food, housing and utilities), and even though the shutdown last fall cost just about the same as extending benefits would. It’s just that in Rand Paul land, up means down, and numbers work backwards. (Either that, or he’s too busy footnoting every single word he says, so that we mean liberals won’t accuse him of plagiarizing again.)
In that spirit, I’m only likening Paul to a certain Seussian green-skinned character because they’re both so cuddly and cute!
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Jan 1, 2014 at 8:30 AM ET Yes, once again it’s time for end-of-the-year rituals. Maybe you come up with the type of resolutions that help gyms make a fortune from people who join and never show up. Or perhaps you scour critics’ lists of ’10 Best’ or ’10 Worst’ lists of the year’s movies, t.v. shows, political scandals, etc. Some families have charming New Year’s traditions. When I was a kid, we would eat chocolate fondue, drink Andre Cold Duck (hey, I was 8, I thought it was classy) and watch old Abbott & Costello movies (on a projector my mom borrowed from the school where she taught – this was way before DVDs and videos, although despite my own kids’ rude comments about how old I am, it was WAY after one-room schoolhouses). When my own kids were little, I would let them watch the televised countdown from Times Square (of course, when they were younger, I was able to convince them that midnight in New York was the same in California, thus enabling me to get them to bed at 9 p.m.) (Which was not intended to get back at them for the ‘mom, you’re old’ teasing . . . but I digress.)
My earliest comedy-song-writing influence was Tom Lehrer’s great album, “That Was The Year That Was” (hold on, you’ll see how it relates). I wanted to reference that album in relation to this week’s song, but in researching which year he’d meant (which turns out to be mostly 1964, although the album was released in 1965), I learned that he had been the resident songwriter for performers on the US version of a British weekly TV program, “That Was The Week That Was,” and the record featured Lehrer finally performing those songs himself. So weekly comedy songs are part of a long tradition!
Anyway, as inspired by Mr. Lehrer, here’s a musical recap of the year’s highs and lows, or as some might say, “from the sublime to the ridiculous.” Happy New Year!
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Dec 31, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
Thought for the day (Perception and problem solving)
When faced with a new and unpleasant predicament I like to think of the best part about it, the worst part, the slver lining and the reality of the entire situation.
For example, today I am congested and have a cold.
Best part: I can sound like Barry White when I talk to my wife.
Worst part: My wife keeps clear of me while I am contagious.
Silver lining: Sometimes I fully recover from my cold and am no longer contagious before my voice completely heals and I can sound like Lou Rawls for a couple of days when I talk to my wife. (Lou’s voice isn’t as deep as Barry’s was but still sounds low, slow, melodic and smooth.)
The reality of the entire situation: It’s too bad I can’t sing with or without a cold.
Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean I should take singing lessons instead of taking Advil. It only means I should at least seriously consider that option.
By Jonathan Miller, on Thu Dec 26, 2013 at 10:00 AM ET From Virtual Jerusalem.com:
Our Top 12: The Jews Behind the Christmas Songs
12. The Christmas Song
Written by Mel Torme and Bob Wells.
Mel Torme was born to Russian Jewish parents. Bob Wells was born Robert Levinson.
The two were a well known songwriting partnership.
This song was born in Toluca Lake, CA on a hot July day, When Torme arrived at Wells’ house, he found a spiral note pad of paper with some words on it “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, Yuletide Carols being sung by a choir, folks dressed up like Eskimos.”
Wells had wanted to write a song for a completely different season “to cool off.” Torme recognized the potential in the lyric, and the rest of the song was written in 35 minutes.
11. You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
Written by Albert Hague
Hague was born as Albert Marcuse to a Jewish family in Berlin, Germany who considered their Jewish heritage a liability, and raised him as a Lutheran. This was written and recorded for the 1966 Dr. Seuss TV Holiday Special How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Seuss wrote the lyrics and Albert Hague wrote the music.
10. Holly Jolly Christmas
Written by Johnny Marks
Though he was a Jew, Marks was also one of the most famous Christmas songwriters of all time. He appears on our list no less than THREE Times.
He was brought in for this project after impressing executives with the success of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
9. I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm
Written by Irving Berlin
Born Israel Isidore Beilin, Berlin was an American composer and lyricist of Belarusian-Jewish origin. This song was one of the numbers from the 1937 film musical On The Avenue, to which Berlin contributed the majority of the music.
8. Winter Wonderland
Written by Felix Bernard
Born Felix William Bernhardt to a Jewish family in New York City, Bernard was known for his great compositions.
This became one of the most popular holiday songs of all time.
7. Let It Snow!
Written by Jule Styne and Sammy Cahn
Born in London as Julius Kerwin Stein to Jewish immigrants from the Ukraine, Styne was a famous American songwriter.
Cahn was born Samuel Cohen in NYC and became obsessed with music shortly after his bar mitzvah.
Although this song is associated with Christmas, there is zero mention of the holiday in the lyrics.
6. Silver Bells
Written by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans
Livingston was born Jacob Harold Levison in Pennsylvania. Evans, also a Jew, stepped away from all organized religion, including his religious heritage, later in life.
This famous duo is also behind the classic standards and Academy Award winning numbers, “Buttons and Bows” and “Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be, Will Be).”
5. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Written by Johnny Marks
Marks’ second appearance on our list! Let’s start with the fact that Rudolph was originally named Rollo, or Reginald! The story of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer was created in 1939 by Robert L. May, a copywriter for the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward department stores, as a promotional gift for customers. The stores had bought and distributed coloring books every Christmas and saw writing their own story as a way to save money. Marks was May’s brother in law, and after developing the lyrics and melody for it, the song was first released in 1949, selling an astonishing 2 million copies that year.
Click here for the rest of the list.
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Dec 25, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Every now and then, a movie catch phrase comes along that both works perfectly in context, and comes in handy in real life. “Toto, I’ve a feeling we aren’t in Kansas anymore,” “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” and “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” come to mind (as well as almost every line from “Blazing Saddles,” although most of those can’t be quoted without a detailed explanation and a PG-13 warning).
One of my personal favorites is from “The Princess Bride,” when Inigo Montoya hears his boss say ‘inconceivable’ and comments, “You keep using that word, I do not think that word means what you think it does.” (I’m the adult child of a former English teacher, meaning I cringe when I see mis-used words and grammatical mistakes, although I agree, “ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put” is a little awkward.) So I was delighted to see that meme pop up in connection with the latest flap over “Duck Dynasty,” with family patriarch Phil Robertson being quoted in GQ (yeah, rednecks and GQ seem like an odd pairing to me, too!), expressing some colorfully homophobic and outdated racial views.
Of course, the biggest shocker to me was that anyone was shocked – did A&E really expect that a family of Louisiana evangelical duck-hunters would have enlightened views on race relations or gay rights? (Brings to mind another of my favorite film lines, when Claude Rains is trying to impress the Nazis in Casablanca by saying, “I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here” right before a dealer says “Your winnings, sir.”) But in their reactions, A&E and conservative politicians seem trying to outdo each other with cluelessness.
I find Mr. Robertson’s remarks offensive – but I find a lot of things offensive about reality TV, and I’m not so crazy about the whole idea of hunting defenseless little ducks – but I digress. Mr. Robertson has a right to express his views, as repugnant (or weird – read the actual article!) as they are, and his employers at A&E have a right to hire, fire, and suspend whomever they like. A&E announced a brief suspension, apparently trying to appease the large gay and black audience for the show (??), but opening up a huge can of worms in the process. Conservative politicians and peripheral-but-trying-to-stay-in-the-spotlight-characters declared their outrage that the media was censoring a good Christian and depriving him of his fundamental right of free speech. Ignoring, of course, the fact that no one’s right of free speech was infringed, because the Bill of Rights says nothing about anyone’s right to star on a reality television program.
By Lauren Mayer, on Wed Dec 18, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
Last week I wrote about how Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin, et al were trying to stir up a frenzy over their imaginary ‘War on Christmas.’ Which at the time seemed like the height of going on the attack by trying to make oneself into a victim – but oh, ye of little faith, ye didn’t count on Megyn Kelly and ‘Santagate’.
In case you’ve been under a rock all week, a writer for Slate (an online magazine) wondered why traditional images of Santa Clause were always Caucasian, and she suggested that we consider race-free options (like a Penguin Claus – sort of like the Easter Bunny, or the Purim Hamster). This prompted Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly to trash her previous reputation for being more intelligent than her colleagues (remember her arguing with Karl Rove about the 2012 election results?), by convening a ‘panel’ to debate the issue, which as far as I could tell consisted of just one article (that hadn’t been very widely read until Kelly publicized it). She expressed her outrage that political correctness might trump truth, because it was a historical, verifiable fact that Santa is white – just like Jesus.
When critics began weighing in, Kelly immediately went on the defensive, claiming she was being attacked by race-baiting humor-less haters who didn’t get that the whole thing was tongue-in-cheek. On top of the fact that the original segment wasn’t particularly funny, one could also point to Kelly’s recent appearance on The Tonight Show, when she insisted she was a serious journalist, not an entertainer. But my biggest issue is that it’s hard to complain about being criticized when she’s the one who started criticizing in the first place.
The whole thing reminds me of sitcom fights where a younger sibling (Cindy Brady?) kicks an older one (Jan?) and when Jan retaliates, Cindy runs to mom, claiming “Jan is picking on me.” (And no, I don’t know what episode that was, it just sounds pretty plausible – plus I promised my own sons I’d stop embarrassing them by using them as examples.)
So as long as I’m in parental mode, I’d give Ms. Kelly the same advice most parents give their offspring – try to get along by putting yourself in each other’s shoes. And if you’re going to say something as silly as “Santa just IS white, it’s a historical, verifiable fact,” put yourself in the shoes of a liberally-inclined humorist and see if YOU could resist the temptation!
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