By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Jun 12, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET  How well do I know my wife?
After being together 27 years and married almost 23 years, pretty darned well.
In fact, I can tell 10 times out of 9 when she is upset with me but doesn’t want to say anything. And I gently pester her to finally tell me what is wrong and we work it out.
That’s right, 10 times out of 9.
That means 1 out of 10 times when I think Rebecca is upset with me, she really isn’t. But I keep trying to get her to admit that she really is upset with me–even though she isn’t– until I irritate her to the point that she really is upset with me.
Which means I really know when Rebecca is upset with me but doesn’t want to say anything 10 out of 10 times– including times when Rebecca doesn’t even know she is upset with me but is about to be.
I think that’s pretty impressive.
It just takes time. And an observant and irritating husband.
 Conversely, Rebecca realizes I am upset with her only about 5 times out of 10.
When I am upset with Rebecca and she isn’t aware of it, I subtly hint that I am upset with her by telling her outright what it is that is upsetting me. Then we are both upset with each other.
That means 5 out of the 10 times when I am upset with Rebecca, she gets upset with me too. Which means we get to do something together. But frankly, it’s not as fun as it might sound.
And the 5 times out of 10 that Rebecca does realize I am upset with her, she says nothing –which I know is her way of saying, “Don’t. Don’t do it. Because remember….it is better when just one of us is irritated with the other than when both of us are irritated with the other at the same time.”
And I know Rebecca is right.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri Jun 6, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Kentucky in late springtime is about as beautiful a place on our planet as you can find.
Especially early to mid-morning on a mild but sunny day when the foliage seems to be in 3-D and bubbling over itself.
Kentucky, at this time of year, feels like a sublime combination of an upbeat John Cougar Mellencamp song that is an old favorite coupled with serving as irrefutable proof of God’s existence.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue Jun 3, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Birthday thought for the day (Or reflections on what it is like to be 51 years old.)
Get old!
Seriously.
Not because it beats dying. Although it does. (But not by as overwhelming a margin as most people assume.)
But rather embrace the slogan “Get old” because….and this is where we get our snark on: “New and Improved” will never be better than “Old and Indifferent.” And “Young and Dynamic” is just a nice way of saying “Clueless and Unfocused.”
Just think about it, if you are young anyway.
If you are already old, you may be on medication that affects your short term memory and be unable to think through a complete thought. If that is the case, just smile knowlingly, like we do with other things we don’t understand but don’t want others to know we don’t understand. It’s very important we older folks at least keep up appearances. Trust me on this one.
In fact, if you remember nothing else from this “Thought for the day” post, please remember that part–too keep up appearances. In fact, write it down –especially if you are on medication that affects your short term memory– and leave it in a prominent place so you can see it often.
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I am just overwhelmed with so many nice birthday wishes and kind comments and want to thank each of you for taking the time to say something to me on my birthday.
It means a lot. Thank you.
I have tried my whole life to always be nice to people. I was warned by friends, “Nice guys finish last” and “People confuse niceness for weakness.” Andd before I met my lovely wife Rebecca, I had my own table and a running tab in the proverbial “Friend Zone.”
But it all worked out –in fact, better than I could have ever hoped and despite concerns I would “nice my way” into oblivion.
So if you are like me and worry you will always finish last or be viewed as weak or simply harmless, there is some truth to that–but only a little. And it gets better as you get older and people begin to prize pleasantness over posturing.
So keep being nice anyway. Eventually a good woman will appreciate you and others people, also eventually, prefer working with nice people. And best of all are your birthdays on Facebook. For an entire day it will feel to you like “nice is the new black.” Don’t miss out by giving in to your inner-jerk. Stay nice.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu May 29, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Friend: “My wife and I have been married for over 40 years now. The bottom line is there are certain small things about my wife that I will never be able to change. And I stopped worrying about them. And there are things I do that irritate her that she will never change –and she has stopped worrying about them. And we have a really good life together.”
Me: “Rebecca and I have been together 27 years. I know you are right about accepting certain things about each other that have been that way since we met.
But part of me hates to give up so easily after just 27 years.”
By Jonathan Miller, on Tue May 27, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET When someone says to us, “That was a bad decision you made” it is important to remind ourseleves that they didn’t say, “That was a ‘very’ bad decision you made.”
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon May 26, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET As I walked out my front door this morning carrying my laptop bag, I pulled the door behind me with a prolonged tug that caused my index finger to mash between the door and the door pane.
I clasped my throbbing finger as my voice strained to curse loudly enough to offer relief but not so loud that neighbors could hear.
I slowly uncovered and peeked at my swollen finger tip and then went back inside for no other reason than to sigh loudly and curse louder than I had outside in hopes someone would wake up and ask me about my injured finger.
But no one did.
So I left. Again. This time with a sore finger tip and hurt feelings.
It was at this moment I realized how grateful I was for the brave men and women and who fought and died in combat so wimpy and whiny guys like me –who would never have made it in combat– can have a good life today.
And even do frivolous things like writing on Facebook this morning about mashing a finger tip.
And also to do easy but more thoughtful things like thanking the many stronger and braver American service men and women who came before me –and many others like me — and had our backs. And gave their lives for people they would never know but who someday, like today, might want to say “Thank you.”
Thank you. And thank you again. Every day, of course- –but especially on Memorial Day.
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SALUTE
Those who fought and died so that those who came after could live freely and in peace.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu May 22, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET At lunch today we discussed the study of criminology with my niece, Meg Talley.
The discussion –which eventually led to the topic of the criminal mind –reminded me of one of the great sleeper movies I have ever seen: Straight Time starring Dustin Hoffman.
The movie was released in the late 1970s and, in my view, is a classic study of the criminal mind.
Too often film and television celebrate and glorify the cleverness or boldness of criminal characters. But that depiction rarely seems to ring true to me.
The reason I believe Straight Time is such a powerful and insightful film is that it captures the mind of a criminal in a more credible and convincing manner–in its pettiness and mundaneness. Hoffman plays a common criminal who is endearing but uncomfortable outside of his criminal survival inclinations which, for him, have become instinctive. There is little to nothing about him to glamorize — or demonize, for that matter.
He is a common hustler and con man. Like most hustlers and con men, he is on the surface likable and even endearing. But underneath there is only a calculated instinct to take from others who seem only to exist as props in a never-ending slow motion heist. He tries to connect with others but can’t. Every interaction is just a step toward the next “job.” It’s business, not personal. And criminal not legit.
Hoffman’s character is pitiable at times and despicable at times. But mostly he is just an ordinary little man who approaches life day-by-day in a small and unimaginative manner to get by in a world that isn’t as complicated as he thinks it is yet is convinced he is destined to outsmart it.
But the criminal character in this film seems more real than usual and isn’t defined by bold or clever gestures that somehow seem heroic— but rather is defined by gestures that are crude and futile and essentially remorseless. He lives a criminal life that is noteworthy not for its tortured depth or unpredictable drama but rather is noteworthy merely for it’s shallowness, vapidness and painful predictability.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed May 21, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET You
Only
Live
Once
So
Pace
Yourself
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I don’t like admitting this but sometimes I worry that I haven’t downloaded the right apps to make it in this life.
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My attempted contribution to emotional intelligence (paraphrasing Aristotle).
Anybody can pout – that is easy, but to pout with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not so easy.
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If you are moving so fast and taking on so much that when you “relax” you don’t really relax but merely reflect briefly on moments in your life a long time ago when you were able to relax, your life hasn’t gotten too busy.
It’s gotten insane.
And the answer isn’t to move faster but stopping to discover what it is you are running from.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue May 20, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET Sometimes when I leave home for work early in the morning, my wife only groggily says something to me like, “Good bye” or “Have a good day.”
That’s nice and all but I need a little more than that.
I tried to tell Rebecca that this morning. (In fact, I had to tell her twice because she was asleep and apparently didn’t hear me the first time.)
Rebecca then mumbled sleep…ily into her pillow, “What do you want me to do? Get up and do a cheer?”
Well…she read my mind! That’s what married couples do after they have been together as long as we have. Rebecca just “gets” me.
I didn’t say it, but yes, of course. That would have been really nice and is exactly what I had in mind.
Now that Rebecca has the idea, I wonder if she’s planning on surprising me tomorrow morning?
Of course she will!
I love that girl!
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Rebecca forgot to do a “goodbye cheer” for me this morning
Yesterday I explained how I wanted a more inspired and dramatic send off when I leave for work in the mornings and fully expected today would be the day Rebecca would start.
But things didn’t go quite as planned.
Our conversation this morning started with a hopeful –but mostly informational overture from Rebecca: “The alarm just went… off, John.”
A few minutes later while dressing in our bathroom, I offered a cryptic hook, “Oh my gosh!” I just let it hang in the air while waiting for Rebecca’s curiousity to build.
After a minute passed and no response, I repeated an even more emphatic, “OH…MY…GOSH!!”
A panicked, “What’s wrong?” came from the bedroom.
I smugly grinned and responded to Rebecca, “Well, you are not going to believe this but remember the navy pants you had taken in an inch in the waist for me last month because of my diet? Well, they are too big for me–again!”
“Oh no.” Rebecca feigned concern.
“No, it’s a good thing,” I confidently chirped. Before adding, “In fact, How do you keep your hands off of me now?”
There was another pause followed by a long and mostly muffled response. I strained to make out what Rebecca was saying and was disappointed to discover Rebecca was trying to explain, literally, how she resists keeping her hands off of me.
“C’mon, Rebecca,” I interjected. “It was a rhetorical question. I didn’t mean for you to answer. I was complimenting myself.”
“Oh. Ok.” Came back the answer.
That’s it. That was our entire exchange this morning.
Before leaving I audibly sighed to see if Rebecca had remembered to do a “goodbye cheer” for me, as if on cue.
Nothing.
I sighed again. This time louder.
Rebecca lifted herself up from her slumber and offered a sleepy hug goodbye.
It was a sweet gesture and I complied.
I reminded myself that cheers –even “goodbye cheers” –sometimes take a couple days to develop. And that Rebecca is probably waiting until she has a complete goodbye cheer routine mastered before surprising me.
Maybe tomorrow.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu May 15, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET  I secretly miss, deep down, that feeling of being an amazing person….in my home, at least, when my children were 6 and 10.
I may have been just another schmo at work. But at home I was a master and maestro to my children at every new activity. Or seemed to be.
I remember blowing giant bubbles for the first time in our backyard that amazed both my children and made them feel like their dad wa…s truly special. I seemed to just “know” how to blow giant bubbles effortlessly–something new to them. They felt proud and believed, deep down, that their dad was probably a better bubble blower than any of the other dads on our street. And maybe in our entire neighborhood. Heck, that day I felt that they believed I was probably a better bubble blower than any dad anywhere.
It was a good feeling. Even though I knew I was probably just a little above average at bubble blowing.
Now our kids are 16 and 20. And they know how to blow bubbles and fly kites and draw in the sand and go sledding and they even know all the grown-up tricks to win at hide-and-go-seek.
And I’m just not as amazing a person as I used to be. I just feel like I’m out of tricks. And pulling a quarter out of one of my children’s ear would just irritate them and make me feel cheap for only pulling out a quarter for them instead of a dollar bill.
Maybe it’s time for a David Copperfield-esque mega magic trick where I make something amazing disappear.
And then I realize that something amazing has already disappeared.
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How well do I know my wife?
