By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 24, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET “There’s only one thing that he’s got that you haven’t got—courage.”—The Wizard of Oz to the lion.
A brain, a heart—to most of us, those aren’t that hard to muster. Or I should revise- for the people that interest me the most, brains and heart aren’t hard to muster. By the time of our grown-up life, we probably have honed our brains to be smart (is that possible? Sounds painful.) And either we have heart by now or we don’t. And in my opinion you gotta have heart. And if you don’t, well then, you won’t be going to see the musical Damn Yankees. And that’s ok because it hasn’t been on Broadway since circa 1997. But I digress.
Courage is hard for all of us. At least for me, courage is the hardest of the wizardly gifts. Perhaps because it’s unsteady. I have had a lot of courage at various moments in my life, but I still find it hard each time. The challenges that used to require courage get easier, but the sinking feeling in my stomach when I face a new challenge hasn’t gone away. Somehow I’m still able to put cheese fries in my stomach. But that may be a form of denial.
 Case in point– Barbra Streisand gets stage fright to this day. So what to do when we have to face fears anyway? I dare myself. Then I set my dare to music. This week my theme song is Bust a Move. “If you want it. You got it.” I took a look at the lyrics. Seems like it’s talking to a kid who probably looks like a fat Urkel from Family Matters but apparently he can dance when it all comes down to it.
We all feel like Urkel on the inside. Especially when it comes to dating. I know I did. And still do, just I’m not in the dating pool anymore, thankfully. In ’96, I named my dating-café “Drip” because everyone feels like a drip when they’re dating. Even the café itself would have felt like a drip if I had named it the “Lonely Hearts Café” or something like that.
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Nancy Slotnick: Okay, Smartie…
By Erica and Matt Chua, on Mon Sep 23, 2013 at 1:30 PM ET For every story on LivingIF, there is a backstory. Here are two unforgettable experiences we had due to Couchsurfing, both of which led to trip highlights. Let us know in the comments if there are any stories you’ve read here that you wanted to know more about how they happened…
HE SAID…
I wonder what our trip would have been without Couchsurfing. Staying with strangers, all around the world, was one of the most memorable experiences of the trip. The problem with Couchsurfing though is that it is a logistical challenge. Instead of heading to a central area to find a hotel, you have to head to residential areas, then find a person. Arriving in a new country, without a phone, trying to find someone inevitably leads to memorable situations. Nothing was quite like getting from Japan to South Korea.
Getting to South Korea meant exiting Japan, leaving Japan meant a last night out on the town that went from bar to bar to karaoke to sunrise. Taking a quick nap we had some takeout sushi for breakfast and headed to Tokyo’s Narita Airport. Narita is a city about an hour away from Tokyo, so we gave ourselves plenty of time, and casually switched trains from the metro to the suburban rail lines. Simple enough, just go to Narita, right? WRONG, never go to Narita…go to Narita Airport! They are very different destinations.
Arriving in Narita we realized our mistake and had burned our extra time. We ran out of the train station and asked a taxi driver how much to get to the airport. Translating on his phone he estimated it would be $120 and take over an hour…he recommended we take the train. Running back into the station, I saw a person who looked about 18 and asked him, “do you have an iPhone?” He responded, “hai” and handed it to me. Think about this for a second, on a train platform he just handed a complete stranger his iPhone…that’s Japan for you.
How did our best meal in South Korea happen? Trains, planes, buses and running.
The man with the iPhone said that he too was going to the airport…and he’d take us to the check-in counters. Looking at the train schedule, he estimated we’d arrive at the airport 25 minutes before our flight’s departure. He studied the Narita airport map from the train to the Delta check-in counter so we wouldn’t make a wrong turn. The three of us burst through the still-opening doors of the train, LOCAVORista and him sprinting to the counters with me behind carrying our bags. The check-in staff made a few calls to allow us to check-in, 15 minutes from an international departure, and instructed us, “you go now!” We said goodbye to our new Japanese friend and rushed through security, immigration and the terminal. We got to the gate and found everyone still at the gate; the flight had a last-minute delay of 30 minutes!
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Matt and Erica Chua: He Said/She Said: Behind the Blog Couchsurfing
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon Sep 23, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET
I wonder if Stick People know that other people think of them as Stick People?Even if they do know they don’t seem to be bothered by it.
I wish I could be more like Stick People in that way.
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When life gives us lemons, try responding “Wow! Free lemons! How cool is that?”And then start a lemonade business.
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 We are not our woundsWe are not even the story we tell ourselves and others about our wounds.
We are whatever we do to overcome our wounds. That, it seems to me, is what ultimately defines us most.
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Do we parents really raise our children.
Or do they secretly really raise us?
Some days I feel like Rod Serling will step out from the next room and start explaining this entire hoax — that all along our children have patiently and lovingly been guiding us into adulthood. And as the youngest approaches age 18, facing the horrifying feeling that you are not ready for her to leave because you are not yet fully an adult.
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 17, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET I met my husband on the street. So meeting strangers in public space is not foreign to me, even though I am shy by nature. I am counterphobic I guess. And I am also in the business of helping people to meet.
I had the opportunity to attend a tremendously interesting conference at Harvard this week about public space: its design, its uses and its politics. It was called Putting Public Space in its Place. It was organized and chaired by Professor Jerold Kayden, who has an organization that advocates for the Privately Owned Public Spaces (POPS) of New York City. These spaces have largely been neglected and abandoned. As a result, the owners have either privatized them or let them languish in the majority of cases. I’m interested in the question of re-claiming public spaces for the public, and especially for the purpose of human connection.
Because I am in the matchmaking business, I think a lot about the way people meet their potential dates. I always hear from clients; “Where do I go to meet people? Is online dating the only option? I see people on the subway or at the park that I want to meet, but it seems too awkward- what can I do?” We get the term “ice breaker” from the fact that it can feel as cold as ice to break through the defenses that people have up, especially in a big scary place like New York City. A warm smile can be all you need if you dare. But because smiling at a girl or guy you like can be close to impossible, I’m thinking a warm matchmaker may be necessary. Industry experts say I’m getting warmer.
Public space needs a hotspot. I’m not talking about the Wi-Fi kind. Vast open public space can be a wonderful canvas for design-o-philes, but Fred Kent, founder and president of Project for Public Spaces, calls for creating smaller enclaves, a process that he coins “placemaking.” This type of user-friendly design will encourage social use that is fun and engaging. (I am paraphrasing here so I hope Fred will forgive me.) This type of public space set-up has the capacity to spread the love naturally.
But when it comes to meeting new people and facing rejection, especially in public, there is a missing ingredient that extends even beyond great design. In my experience in the singles scene, people need shepherding. At the conference they call it stewardship. So I will just call myself the Stewardess of Love. That sounds sexy! Coffee, tea or a date? That’s what Matchmaker Café is.
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Nancy Slotnick: PDA
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu Sep 12, 2013 at 12:00 PM ET Do we parents really raise our children?
Or do they secretly really raise us?
Some days I feel like Rod Serling will step out from the next room and start explaining this entire hoax — that all along our children have patiently and lovingly been guiding us into adulthood. And as the youngest approaches age 18, facing the horrifying feeling that you are not ready for her to leave because you are not yet fully an adult.
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Parenting and job classifications
If I had to pick the two professions that best align with the traditional mother and father roles….
I would say for mothers it would be Life Coach.
For fathers I would say Talent Agent.
Ironically, fathers often secretly believe they are a Life Coach to their wives. While wives are convinced they are really like a Talent Agent to the husband.
And kids assume their job has always been Life Coach for both parents.
By Lauren Mayer, on Tue Sep 10, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET Combing this past week’s news stories for a song idea was fairly discouraging – I can’t find anything funny about the possibility of air strikes against Syria, not to mention the human rights atrocities there. I’ve already done a song about Congressional gridlock, the sequester just keeps getting more depressing, and while Anthony Weiner has made a few headlines, it’s been for rage-aholic rants, not for titillating texts. Moreover, I realized many of my weekly songs are my way of responding to unpleasant news, hoping to find some humor in what otherwise would have me yelling, Weiner-style, at the computer, t.v. screen or newspaper.
But one happy story popped up, and not only is it good news, it’s also completely bipartisan, non-political yet totally newsworthy, and makes me smile whenever I think about it – Diana Nyad’s record-shattering swim from Cuba to Florida. After finally achieving a feat she’d been attempting unsuccessfully since 1978, as she emerged from the water she made three quoteable points, including a graceful acknowledgment of the team supporting her, but the one that struck me was “You’re never too old to chase your dreams.”
We have longer life expectancy today than ever before, and yet our culture still puts such a premium on youthful achievement that we feel like failures if we haven’t won a Tony Award or been a celebrity guest playing ‘Not My Job’ on “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” by the age of 30. (Or made our first million, or won an Olympic medal, or dated a member of One Direction, or whatever your particular dream happens to be.) So to celebrate the achievements of a woman who’s been eligible for AARP for 14 years gives me renewed faith in possibilities for those of us over 50. (Which is when you start getting those AARP mailers, as if it wasn’t hard enough to hit that milestone!)
So I am celebrating Ms. Nyad’s accomplishment in song, as well as acknowledging other feats achieved by AARP-eligible folks. And sure, I haven’t really had any videos go viral (despite the line I love to use from my 17-year-old, who saw that a few had topped 1,000 views and informed me that it was ‘viral for old people’), but who knows? It took Diana Nyad 35 years from her first attempt to achieve her dream – and posting youTube videos is much less strenuous!
“Diana’s Song (You’re Never Too Old To Chase Your Dreams)”
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 10, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET
There’s a story in my parents’ marriage. Long ago, before I was born, my mom once asked my Dad “Do I look fat in this?” He answered honestly. Once. So it begs the question- is talking about a woman’s weight (or a man’s for that matter) fair game in a relationship? We all know guys are very visual. And probably the #1 fear that most guys have (even though conventional wisdom says it’s “snakes”) is that their girlfriend, or wife, will get fat. Is this fair? Is this superficial? Is this misogynist? Maybe all three, but it is what it is. If he is stifled from talking about it, it only makes things worse.
I have been a dating coach for over 10 years, talking about women’s sex lives and dating lives and everything in between. You would think that I have dealt with the most personal topics you can imagine. But it wasn’t until this year, when I started dabbling in coaching on weight loss, that I really started to piss women off. Some actually quit just because I raised the topic. Is that fair? I don’t know. But I like to ask: “Do you want it to be fair or do you want to be happy?”
Let’s just say that you’re single and you’ve gained 10 lbs (which means 15 lbs in girl lbs.) Or that you are 10-15 lbs heavier than you’d like to be. What if I were to say that losing 15 lbs would dramatically increase the chance that you could get any guy that you want. Well, at least you could get to the 2nd date a lot better. Would you do it?
On the flip side, maybe staying overweight is a way of ensuring that you won’t get what you want. Maybe the extra fat literally and figuratively keeps people further away. Maybe eating is a replacement for sex. Or for the vulnerability that you feel because you can’t control sex in the same way that you can control food.
Wait, this blog is getting too heavy- put it this way- doesn’t sex feel better when you’re skinny? Can you even have sex after a meal at Carmine’s? When you tell yourself “I want him to love me for me!,” is that just an excuse for being lazy?
Women’s commitment issues come out in the funniest ways. A guy who isn’t ready to settle down will generally just say “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Women will bury themselves in Ben & Jerry’s and wonder “Why doesn’t he call?” That’s still a commitment issue!
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Nancy Slotnick: Do I Look Fat in this Blog?
By Lauren Mayer, on Tue Sep 3, 2013 at 3:00 PM ET It’s a classic rite of passage every fall, parents taking their kids off to college and saying goodbye (after spending way more than they’d budgeted for dorm room essentials like bedding and Starbucks cards). And it can be an emotionally loaded experience, especially for moms like me who cry at the drop of a hat. (I tend to weep at the oddest moments, like the first time I saw my son tap dance in the opening number of ’42nd Street’ -that iconic moment when the curtain just goes up enough to see the ‘dancing feet,’ which is one of the most upbeat, cheerful scenes in all musical theatre. But I digress… )
For many parents, this is their first realization that their babies are leaving the nest, and it can be hard to let go. But I’m okay with that since I also went 3,000 miles away to college, and I’m thrilled for my son to have that experience too. The hardest part for me is feeling old – in my gut, I still feel like a college student, but walking around campus, I am clearly part of a troupe of aliens, adults who are irrelevant and unnecessary – and old. Of course I want to age gracefully, not to be one of those desperate middle-aged women who wear inappropriate clothing and overdo the cosmetic procedures. (As my hairdresser says, “Bangs, not Botox!”) But being a parent at a college campus is a huge wake-up call, reminding me that the ‘aging-gracefully’ time period I’d anticipated is actually now.
Plus there’s a heady sense of freedom at a campus – these kids are at the beginning of their adulthood, surrounded by interesting people, with opportunities to develop their minds and to train for their careers, with everything still being possible and nothing out of reach. No worries, no limits – who wouldn’t envy that? Fortunately, part of being a college parent is helping my son move into his dorm, and once I looked at the small, unairconditioned room and thin extra-long twin mattress, my envy strangely disappeared.
So this week’s video is dedicated to all parents who are taking kids to college, and all moms who cry . . .
By Jeff Smith, on Tue Sep 3, 2013 at 2:00 PM ET Do you find yourself unable to check your office work at the door when you get home? A new survey reveals nearly all employed Americans do work-related tasks during their free time. We talk to people who just can’t seem to disconnect from their work.
Originally aired on HuffPostLive, September 3, 2013
GUESTS INCLUDE:
- Contributing RP Jeff Smith (New York , NY) Professor of Politics & Advocacy at The New School
- Debra Shigley (Atlanta, GA) Creator & Host, “Deb’s Kitchen”
- Jeff Kreisler (Hoboken, NJ) Comedian and Author
By Nancy Slotnick, on Tue Sep 3, 2013 at 8:30 AM ET Eggs
Milk
Arizona Diet Iced Tea- Peach flavor
Sunchips Original
Organic baby spinach
Oh sorry- that’s my grocery list. And it’s so easy to just go across the street and get it all. If only finding a mate could be so easy. Some people have a grocery list for what they look for in a partner. But is that a wise way to go about it? I’ve seen a lot of people seeking love in my years in the dating business and I have to say that the ones who are successful do not usually have a checklist the size of a dictionary. The people that I see using a spreadsheet to track their dates are generally too removed from their emotions to find love.
Matchmaker Café and other online dating sites are a kind of grocery store for dates. It seems like it should be so easy to plug in our criteria and have the internet machine spit out the answer. So why can’t we just order up the person we want like Chinese take-out? I would tip the delivery guy so well for that. But the conversation around the “checklist” always leads to one conclusion- that the chemistry and the checklist are at odds. How to have both is the big question.
It can be done. So here’s the checklist for the resolution of the checklist question:
- Do not have 73 things on your checklist- that’s only ok for reality TV stars on shows called “Miss Advised”
- Have 3 dealbreakers- that’s reasonable
- Have a picture of what you want that has details- that’s ok
- Let your picture morph if you meet someone you like
- Don’t be anal or rigid about your checklist
- Go with your gut- if you have passion about someone- listen to it
- If more than 5 friends have told you you’re too picky- you probably are
- If your checklist is too long, you need to look inward
- Recognize that the checklist is about being in control; Love is an out of control experience
- People are not objects, so you can’t order them up like groceries
- If you are a checklist person, you may be a narcissist
- If you are a narcissist, there is hope for you (other than being a reality TV star). But you have to want to change.
- You can’t outsource love, because of #10.
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Nancy Slotnick: The Checklist
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The Recovering Politician Bookstore
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Case in point– Barbra Streisand gets stage fright to this day. So what to do when we have to face fears anyway? I dare myself. Then I set my dare to music. This week my theme song is Bust a Move. “If you want it. You got it.” I took a look at the lyrics. Seems like it’s talking to a kid who probably looks like a fat Urkel from Family Matters but apparently he can dance when it all comes down to it.
