By RP Nation, on Mon Oct 3, 2011 at 12:15 PM ET October 2011. This is an important time of year for Jews who may be re-evaluating past behavior and re-committing to living a life of meaning and impact. It is a time for reflection, atonement and resolutions, and I do look forward to observing these seasonal rituals. I am told that Jewish New Year resolutions, however, are really not supposed to concern superficial things, so I’m traveling back in time to my New Year’s resolution from January to discuss my biggest disappointment this year.
My butt shoes and I failed each other.
Like many of my friends who are now in our mid forties, gravity has been a constant companion. Some folks rightly see that as impetus for improved diet and regular exercise. Others, however, yearn for a quick fix. Post holiday binge, I was ready for a concerted shape up effort. Surveying my posse of girlfriends in January to determine if anyone had tried the heavily advertised and promoted “toning” shoes, several expressed vague product awareness, but none had tried them personally. I was urged to become the guinea pig for the rest of the group.
The theory is that “toning” shoes, with unstable soles, work your muscles harder, which firms your legs and rear. So I bought some. I walked the dog in them, wore them to soccer games and baseball games, pulled them out of my office desk at lunchtime to replace my pumps. Despite what I would characterize as fairly dedicated effort over a sustained period of time, I did not notice any difference. (My husband told me that he thought I was making progress, but then again, he has to say that.)
I began to suspect that you probably have to wear the shoes 24 hours a day, including in the shower and in bed, in order to have any significant impact. And so, over time, the butt-firming shoes were abandoned, along with several other idealistic New Year’s resolutions.
The big news this week is that Federal Trade Commission has stepped in. Reebok apparently made unsubstantiated claims that the shoes strengthened and toned the buttocks 28% more than regular walking shoes. Without admitting guilt, the company has agreed to refund up to $25 million to customers. Another “shape up” shoe manufacturer, Skechers, may also be in trouble for making similar bold claims.
Perseverance is an important lesson, and there is no reason to abandon hope. I recently found some brand-name “skin firming” moisturizer at the drug store. It’s clinically proven to reduce the appearance of cellulite for visibly firmer skin. It requires you to regularly massage copious amounts of the product onto what the label characterizes as “problem areas (thighs, hips, buttocks, stomach, upper arms).”
So, while this is no profound resolution, I do think I am starting the season with new resolve and high hopes. I am also a little more slippery. Check back with me in a year.
By Zack Adams, RP Staff, on Wed Sep 28, 2011 at 3:00 PM ET
Chin-Up Bar [xkcd]
Bathroom Bathroom [Loading Artist]
Two types of Youtube comments [Youtube screenshot]
In the interest of safety [picture]
NO PLANKING! One of my favorite .gifs in a while. [.gif]
(Not) Coming to a theater near you. (Found in the back of an Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.) [picture]
By Zack Adams, RP Staff, on Wed Sep 21, 2011 at 3:00 PM ET
Draw a Stickman! Very cool. [www.drawastickman.com]
I understand very little of this, but I assume it will make someone laugh. [comic]
Iceland ain’t Right [Scandinavia and the World]
Dear Human… [SMBC]
So I found this giant flash drive the other day… [popstrip.com]
By Jonathan Miller, on Thu Sep 15, 2011 at 1:00 PM ET 
At some point, I will give our loyal readers a full and mostly serious account of my amazing journey through Italy this past week.
But first, let me share my most two overwhelming impressions, of beer and Pisa.
First, beer. See the picture above. There really is Duff beer. It’s not just for Homer anymore. (And wasn’t the original Homer Greek, not Roman?)
Second, Pisa. It was absolutely amazing to see the Tower of Pisa (which is a lot smaller in person than you imagine, just as Michaelangelo’s David is a lot bigger). What an incredible thrill it was to stand in the same place where Galileo and Rick Perry dropped the pizza to disprove the scientific community’s misplaced faith in global warming and a round earth! Quite humbling.
But just like climate change and rough earth theory, the so-called “Leaning” Tower of Pisa is just yet another conspiracy. Check out the picture below. The Tower and I are perfectly straight, while the rest of Pisa leans to the right.
Another tragic myth perpetuated by the mainstream media, debunked exclusively here for the RP Nation.
You are welcome!
By Patrick Derocher, on Thu Sep 15, 2011 at 9:15 AM ET Rep. Gohmert in a less interesting moment. Well, you can’t fault him for not having a sense of humor. Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) has introduced a prank jobs bill that consists solely of repealing the corporate income tax. The catch? Like President Obama’s jobs bill, it is called the American Jobs Act of 2011. The President’s bill has yet to be introduced, owing to protest from both sides of the aisle, and will now have to be given a different name. Gohmert, known as a Tea Party provacateur, is considered one of the chamber’s more fiery conservatives. [Slate]
By Zack Adams, RP Staff, on Wed Sep 14, 2011 at 3:00 PM ET
“What we should have been taught in our senior year of high school” Some NSFW language. [The Oatmeal]
Those who are tall and skinny like me will completely understand this. [diagram]
“Hey Dave, how do you close this thing again?” [gif]
“If I ever assassinate a politician…” [Facebook]
How would you make Melbourne a better place? [newspaper]
I am fully in support of this. [Photoshop Troll]
By Jonathan Miller, on Wed Sep 14, 2011 at 12:00 PM ET OK, so it’s not Oscar season. Not even close.
But wandering this week through the back alley ways of Italy reminded me of the extraordinary contributions of Italian-Americans to our modern cinema: Scorsese, Coppola, Tarantino, Brando, De Niro, Pacino, Pesci, Travolta, Poppy from Seinfeld (seen at left with Italian-American (?) Cosmo Kramer), yaddio, yaddio, yaddio…
Maybe it’s the Italian air — or my own conspiratorial fantasies — but I’ve concluded that too many of the above greats have something quite compelling in common: the tragedy of losing an Oscar award that they manifestly deserved, to a much inferior, non-Italian-American film/director/actor.
So in the spirit of my consistent desire to provide the RP Nation with the most bellissimo Half-Letterman pop culture lists (Check out my past forays: Favorite Breakup Songs, Favorite Hoops Books, Most Jew-ish Gentiles, Favorite “Docs” who Weren’t Doctors, Pretty Boys I Begrudgingly Admire, Guilty Pleasures, Pop Music Lyrics, Awful TV Shows with Terrific Theme Songs and Most Romantic Screen Scenes in the Rain), I now present to you the Five Worst Oscar Robberies of Italian Americans:
5. 1974: Al Pacino (Godfather, Part II) loses to Art Carney (Harry and Tonto)
Godfather II is my favorite movie, period. Probably because of the entry of politics into the narrative and the focus on the Jewish mafia’s powerful role (via Lee Strassberg’s portrayal of Meyer Lansky stand-in Hyman Roth), Part II ekes out Part I for the greatest movie of all time. And throughout the magnificent duology (I choose to forget the very good, but not closely comparable Part III), Al Pacino is simply sublime as the lead protagonist, Michael Corleone. His oh-so-subtle and delicate embodiment of the young idealist family man who transforms into a furious, violent mobster is to me the greatest acting of his generation. That the Best Actor nod went to Marlon Brando in Part I is forgivable if only due to the legend’s common ancestry. But losing to Art Carney because of the Academy’s sympathy for a long career and a signature role on The Honeymooners (of all shows!) is tragedia of the highest form. The only redemption came in 1992, when Pacino most undeservedly got the same career honorific Academy treatment when won his first Oscar for his strident over-acting in the forgettable Scent of a Woman.
 4. 1976: Robert DeNiro (Taxi Driver) succumbs to the late Peter Finch (Network)
While Robert DeNiro did pick up the Best Supporting Actor for his brilliant work in Godfather II (speaking almost entirely in Sicilian-Italian), two years later he was robbed of his first Best Actor statue for the finest acting of his long, incredible career — his portrayal of the deranged Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver. Deniro’s maniacal energy was palpable in every scene, yet his most indelible work was opposite the young Jodie Foster: DeNiro showed the romantic humanity deep inside a very disturbed man. DeNiro’s method in this movie has inspired a generation of actors — and, unfortunately, John Hinckley as well — but again, the overly-nostalgic Academy selected a guy whose death preceded the award ceremony by only a few months. When I remember this Oscar theft, I become as MAD AS HELL AND I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE! Sorry about that…You talkin’ to me?!? You talkin’ to me?!?
 3. 1980: Martin Scorsese’s Oscar for Raging Bull is stolen by Robert Redford (Ordinary People)
While DeNiro finally won the Best Actor nod that was rightfully his a few years earlier, the picture in which he starred, Raging Bull, was outrageously robbed of the Best Picture award by the maudlin, effete, and treacly Ordinary People, and worse: Martin Scorsese’s masterful directing was eclipsed by Robert Redford’s Hallmark special orchestration. I’ve made clear in an earlier post of my self-awareness toward an “anti-pretty boy bias,” but while Redford’s acting was always under-rated, and his film festival hosting and environmental activism are quite admirable; when it comes to direction, he does not belong in the same league as Scorsese. And worst of all, it would be precisely a decade later when another pretty boy with environmental inclinations would steal yet another Best Picture and Best Director nod from the much more deserving Scorsese…
Read the rest of…
The RP’s Five Worst Oscar Robberies of Italian-Americans
By Grant Smith, RP Staff, on Tue Sep 13, 2011 at 9:15 AM ET The Politics of Sponge Bob
BREAKING NEWS:
Oh Barnacles!! New study suggests that shows like Sponge Bob Square Pants may negatively affect children’s short-term memory.
[AP News]
By Jonathan Miller, on Sat Sep 10, 2011 at 2:55 PM ET  Two Jews walk into a castle in Rome…
OK, I forget the punchline.
Anyway, I need your help.
I’m in Rome for a few days (for the first time), and I need some advice. I’m ready to hit the usual suspects: the Sistine Chapel, the Colosseum, Caesar’s Palace, yaddio, yaddio, yaddio.
But I need some advice about hidden treasures, special restaurants, shops to purchase Roman candles, you name it.
I also could use a little basic Italian for dummies.
The only phrases I know are “Grazie”; “Arriva Derci”; “Stoo Gatz”; “Gabagool”; “Goomba” and “Badda Bing.” (Thanks, Tony and Carmela!)
So show a paizano some amore and leave your comments below. And I hope you are having a great weekend.
By Zack Adams, RP Staff, on Wed Sep 7, 2011 at 3:00 PM ET
The poor-man’s smartphone. [picture]
Yeah, it happens. . . [picture]
Fantastic conversation between an AIM spambot and Cleverbot. [chat log]
Very likely. [picture]
Tech Support [comic]
Promotion Cap [OfficeRats]
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