By John Y. Brown III, on Wed May 28, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
A Public Service Request: Ok, everybody. A few simple requests. Lately, traffic has been really irritating me.
I am in a silver Avalon with Jefferson Co plates. If you see me out driving and I am trying to switch lanes, please just let me in. I am in a hurry and am going to assume you aren’t. If I am behind you and seem to be tailgating you, it isn’t a coincidence. I really need you to speed it up or get in the slow lane. OK?
Also, some people who don’t absolutely have to be out driving today, I would really appreciate it if you could stay in and not congest traffic around me—at least between now and 9am and again between 530-630pm and, finally, between 1230-130pm in just the Louisville Metro area. If you live outside of this area, I don’t mind you driving today. But need you to be sure to avoid Metro Louisville.
And please no honking or waving gestures or shaking your head at me if I do something driving that you disapprove of. That hurts my feelings. Especially no honking when a light has turned green and I haven’t accelerated for several seconds. This is just my way of getting back into “driving mode” after stopping.
Oh, and if you are tailgating me, be ready to slam on your brakes at a moment’s notice. I know you want me to speed up, but that’s not going to happen –especially now that you are tailgating me. And please know that even though I may not give you the finger, I am still thinking it.
Feel free to wave hello or smile when passing. Or just give me a nice thumbs up. Then I am going to need you to stop distracting me.
Sound reasonable?
Thanks very much in advance! I think this will really help my frame of mind today.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon May 26, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
As I walked out my front door this morning carrying my laptop bag, I pulled the door behind me with a prolonged tug that caused my index finger to mash between the door and the door pane.
I clasped my throbbing finger as my voice strained to curse loudly enough to offer relief but not so loud that neighbors could hear.
I slowly uncovered and peeked at my swollen finger tip and then went back inside for no other reason than to sigh loudly and curse louder than I had outside in hopes someone would wake up and ask me about my injured finger.
But no one did.
So I left. Again. This time with a sore finger tip and hurt feelings.
It was at this moment I realized how grateful I was for the brave men and women and who fought and died in combat so wimpy and whiny guys like me –who would never have made it in combat– can have a good life today.
And even do frivolous things like writing on Facebook this morning about mashing a finger tip.
And also to do easy but more thoughtful things like thanking the many stronger and braver American service men and women who came before me –and many others like me — and had our backs. And gave their lives for people they would never know but who someday, like today, might want to say “Thank you.”
Thank you. And thank you again. Every day, of course- –but especially on Memorial Day.
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SALUTE
Those who fought and died so that those who came after could live freely and in peace.
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri May 23, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
Going through the whole Bible in Sunday school.
I would never say this to God, but I sometimes think He made the Old Testament a little too long –and was trying too hard to impress us by using really complicated names.
The Old Testament is great and all but I feel like God really didn’t hit his stride as a writer until the New Testament. It just flows better and gets to the point faster.
And, best of all, starts using more regular sounding names like Mark, Luke, John and Mary.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu May 22, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
At lunch today we discussed the study of criminology with my niece, Meg Talley.
The discussion –which eventually led to the topic of the criminal mind –reminded me of one of the great sleeper movies I have ever seen: Straight Time starring Dustin Hoffman.
The movie was released in the late 1970s and, in my view, is a classic study of the criminal mind.
Too often film and television celebrate and glorify the cleverness or boldness of criminal characters. But that depiction rarely seems to ring true to me.
The reason I believe Straight Time is such a powerful and insightful film is that it captures the mind of a criminal in a more credible and convincing manner–in its pettiness and mundaneness. Hoffman plays a common criminal who is endearing but uncomfortable outside of his criminal survival inclinations which, for him, have become instinctive. There is little to nothing about him to glamorize — or demonize, for that matter.
He is a common hustler and con man. Like most hustlers and con men, he is on the surface likable and even endearing. But underneath there is only a calculated instinct to take from others who seem only to exist as props in a never-ending slow motion heist. He tries to connect with others but can’t. Every interaction is just a step toward the next “job.” It’s business, not personal. And criminal not legit.
Hoffman’s character is pitiable at times and despicable at times. But mostly he is just an ordinary little man who approaches life day-by-day in a small and unimaginative manner to get by in a world that isn’t as complicated as he thinks it is yet is convinced he is destined to outsmart it.
But the criminal character in this film seems more real than usual and isn’t defined by bold or clever gestures that somehow seem heroic— but rather is defined by gestures that are crude and futile and essentially remorseless. He lives a criminal life that is noteworthy not for its tortured depth or unpredictable drama but rather is noteworthy merely for it’s shallowness, vapidness and painful predictability.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed May 21, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
You Only Live Once So Pace Yourself
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I don’t like admitting this but sometimes I worry that I haven’t downloaded the right apps to make it in this life.
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My attempted contribution to emotional intelligence (paraphrasing Aristotle).
Anybody can pout – that is easy, but to pout with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not so easy.
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If you are moving so fast and taking on so much that when you “relax” you don’t really relax but merely reflect briefly on moments in your life a long time ago when you were able to relax, your life hasn’t gotten too busy.
It’s gotten insane.
And the answer isn’t to move faster but stopping to discover what it is you are running from.
By John Y. Brown III, on Tue May 20, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
Sometimes when I leave home for work early in the morning, my wife only groggily says something to me like, “Good bye” or “Have a good day.”
That’s nice and all but I need a little more than that.
I tried to tell Rebecca that this morning. (In fact, I had to tell her twice because she was asleep and apparently didn’t hear me the first time.)
Rebecca then mumbled sleep…ily into her pillow, “What do you want me to do? Get up and do a cheer?”
Well…she read my mind! That’s what married couples do after they have been together as long as we have. Rebecca just “gets” me.
I didn’t say it, but yes, of course. That would have been really nice and is exactly what I had in mind.
Now that Rebecca has the idea, I wonder if she’s planning on surprising me tomorrow morning?
Of course she will!
I love that girl!
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Rebecca forgot to do a “goodbye cheer” for me this morning
Yesterday I explained how I wanted a more inspired and dramatic send off when I leave for work in the mornings and fully expected today would be the day Rebecca would start.
But things didn’t go quite as planned.
Our conversation this morning started with a hopeful –but mostly informational overture from Rebecca: “The alarm just went… off, John.”
A few minutes later while dressing in our bathroom, I offered a cryptic hook, “Oh my gosh!” I just let it hang in the air while waiting for Rebecca’s curiousity to build.
After a minute passed and no response, I repeated an even more emphatic, “OH…MY…GOSH!!”
A panicked, “What’s wrong?” came from the bedroom.
I smugly grinned and responded to Rebecca, “Well, you are not going to believe this but remember the navy pants you had taken in an inch in the waist for me last month because of my diet? Well, they are too big for me–again!”
“Oh no.” Rebecca feigned concern.
“No, it’s a good thing,” I confidently chirped. Before adding, “In fact, How do you keep your hands off of me now?”
There was another pause followed by a long and mostly muffled response. I strained to make out what Rebecca was saying and was disappointed to discover Rebecca was trying to explain, literally, how she resists keeping her hands off of me.
“C’mon, Rebecca,” I interjected. “It was a rhetorical question. I didn’t mean for you to answer. I was complimenting myself.”
“Oh. Ok.” Came back the answer.
That’s it. That was our entire exchange this morning.
Before leaving I audibly sighed to see if Rebecca had remembered to do a “goodbye cheer” for me, as if on cue.
Nothing.
I sighed again. This time louder.
Rebecca lifted herself up from her slumber and offered a sleepy hug goodbye.
It was a sweet gesture and I complied.
I reminded myself that cheers –even “goodbye cheers” –sometimes take a couple days to develop. And that Rebecca is probably waiting until she has a complete goodbye cheer routine mastered before surprising me.
By John Y. Brown III, on Mon May 19, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
Uh-oh…
I tried to set my iPod in my car on a “Loop” to play the same 5 songs repeatedly.
It worked but I just noticed my mind seems to be stuck on a loop with the exact same 5 thoughts. (And they are not songs….I mean thoughts that I would have picked to put on a thought loop.)
I have disabled the looping feature on my iPod but am still having the same 5 thought loop playing over and over in my head.
Does anyone out there have experience with iPods and thought loops getting stuck?
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Here I go again…
Woke up, fell out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up I noticed I was late
Found my coat and grabbed my hat
Made the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke
And somebody spoke and I went into a dream
By John Y. Brown III, on Fri May 16, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
When you are talking about gaining weight and you have gained a pound, you simply say you gained a pound. If you’ve gained five pounds, you say you gained five pounds. Simple, right?
But talking about weight loss is different.
If you are trying to lose weight and are talking to someone about your success so far, the weight you mention is always the most total p…ounds lost to date. Even if your weight has fluctuated by a few pounds that week.
For example, I mentioned the other day I had lost 19 pounds in 4 months. And have. I mean had. But I gained two pounds this week. But when asked this morning how my diet was going, I announced confidently that I had lost 19 pounds (not 17 pounds).
I figured it was just pointless to mention and didn’t make me feel as successful.
The rationale, I guess, is that when losing weight we are “in process” and a little backsliding is to be expected but isn’t representative. And we “will” continue to lose weight.
It’s a little like when economists distinguish “constant” dollars and “actual” dollars. Constant dollars are adjusted for inflation. And weight loss is adjusted for aspiration.
As of today, I may have only lost 17 actual pounds, but I have lost 19 pounds when adjusted for aspiration.
By John Y. Brown III, on Thu May 15, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
I secretly miss, deep down, that feeling of being an amazing person….in my home, at least, when my children were 6 and 10.
I may have been just another schmo at work. But at home I was a master and maestro to my children at every new activity. Or seemed to be.
I remember blowing giant bubbles for the first time in our backyard that amazed both my children and made them feel like their dad wa…s truly special. I seemed to just “know” how to blow giant bubbles effortlessly–something new to them. They felt proud and believed, deep down, that their dad was probably a better bubble blower than any of the other dads on our street. And maybe in our entire neighborhood. Heck, that day I felt that they believed I was probably a better bubble blower than any dad anywhere.
It was a good feeling. Even though I knew I was probably just a little above average at bubble blowing.
Now our kids are 16 and 20. And they know how to blow bubbles and fly kites and draw in the sand and go sledding and they even know all the grown-up tricks to win at hide-and-go-seek.
And I’m just not as amazing a person as I used to be. I just feel like I’m out of tricks. And pulling a quarter out of one of my children’s ear would just irritate them and make me feel cheap for only pulling out a quarter for them instead of a dollar bill.
Maybe it’s time for a David Copperfield-esque mega magic trick where I make something amazing disappear.
And then I realize that something amazing has already disappeared.
By John Y. Brown III, on Wed May 14, 2014 at 12:00 PM ET
Marital advice
When a husband says that his wife isn’t appreciative enough of him it is like the Grand Canyon saying to a person throwing a small stone into the Canyon, “That isnt enough to fill me up.”
So ladies, please throw in slightly larger stones.
And thanks for throwing “in” and not “at.”
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Just for today…
Instead of trying to right a wrong that was done to me, I will forgive the person and never think of the incident again.
Tomorrow I can go back to trying to right wrongs against me.
A Public Service Request: Ok, everybody. A few simple requests. Lately, traffic has been really irritating me.
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