John Y’s Musings from the Middle: My Hypothetical Heroism

Sometimes on a late work night when I stop off at Thornton’s to reward myself with something utterly non-nutritious, I sit in my car wolfing at down and watch the nice clerk inside and ask myself, “If someone robbed Thornton’s now while I was watching, would I try to help stop the robbery?

So far that question has remained a hypothetical one. And so far, I have answered “yes.”

I would come to the rescue and save the day in every hypothetical instance I have imagined—dashing out of my gray Honda Accord that went unnoticed because the robbers saw 16 others just like it driving there.

I rush inside, slide across the floor to avoid bullets (really just for effect since there are never any bullets), grab a pot of scalding hot coffee, and throw it on the would be assailants just like the scene in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

I then call the cops, do a couple of quick live interview,s and the clerk tosses me an extra Krispy Kreme doughnut “on the house” as I turn an wave a cavalier goodbye.

It’s exhausting.

Even though it’s all hypothetical.

But heck, because the heroics are so impressive in my hypothetical, I think I am probably excused for having to do anything now in reality if a real robbery ever does take place. You know?