John Y’s Musings from the Middle: Boundaries

When I was 21 I saw an attractive and vivacious young lady who I had briefly dated at the end of high school. (Actually, I sat behind her taking the SAT and got her phone number. The most impressive work I displayed that entire morning–as memory serves)

Anyway, I got her number again 3 years later and asked her on a date. And we went on a date. I asked her on a second date. This time on a Friday night. She called to say she was running behind and so I watched LA Law for the first time. And liked it.

She called again saying again she was running even later and I watched another show I can’t remember but didn’t like as much as LA Law. And then I watched the early news before getting the call that tonight wasn’t going to work out but asking about Sunday evening for a rain check. I said OK.

But got stood up again Sunday.

We made another date for Wednesday for which I got stood up a third time.

Saturday was The Police concert in Lexington and I got two tickets and invited my SAT friend but ended up only needing one ticket that night. For me.

We tried for a rain check again Sunday but something came up and she had to cancel because she was simply “over-extended.” I was irritated but hadn’t heard the word “over-extended” used in that way by someone my own age and was impressed.

And started using the word often in the same context and still do 30 years later. So, I am appreciative for learning that from her.

We tried for a lunch date Wednesday but it got cut short due to something “beyond her control.” I had heard that excuse before but wasn’t as impressed as I was with the excuse of being “over-extended” and rarely use it myself unless I really am truly desperate and can’t come up with a legitimate reason. Which I remember thinking is what she must have been thinking that day.

Friday we had a date but she explained she couldn’t make it. Without any excuse or apology. Standing me up had gone from being a rude and unexpected surprise to the equivalent of a yawn.

I had heard “boundaries” recently and even heard there was a book out I should read about them. I didn’t know a lot about boundaries but knew they had something to so with being more assertive and were a theory for not letting people take advantage of you.

And so since I had been learning new vocabulary words from my friend, I decided it was my turn and I invoked my own new vocabulary word “boundary.” And the fact that I had them. At least one boundary anyway. Or so I said. Or was at least trying to start having a new boundary. With her anyway.

I calmly explained that she had essentially stood me up for dates 6 times in two weeks and that was “not acceptable” to me. strong words that only emboldened me. I continued that because “I had boundaries” that (and I was very delicate but still deliberate in explaining this part) that there would not be a 7th opportunity to stand me up.

Boundary-wise, I had to be this way because “I respected my self.”

And we hung up and never spoke again.

That’s the end of the story.

I never actually saw with my own eyes the boundaries I created and announced that night. But they must still be there. Since that time I have never let anyone stand me up in business or other (non-dating) areas of my life.

More than 6 times in two weeks.

I am powerful like that.