John Y. Brown, III: The DOMA Decision

Sometimes, Sigmund Freud, was quoted as saying, “A cigar is just a cigar.”

And if Siggie were alive today he’d probably offer a corollary that “Sometimes same sex marriage is just same sex marriage.”

I don’t want to get all controversial about this….but this DOMA decision by the SCt has me worried.

No, not worried so much about the threat to the institution of marriage between a man and a woman caused by same-sex couples wanting to marry. We heteros have already done a fine job of that ourselves and can’t–with a straight face, so to speak–even try to blame same sex couples for piling on.

Frankly, I don’t think same sex couples care a great deal about what we heterosexuals do in our personal lives. It’s not all that interesting, I admit. But I kind of like knowing that gays are analyzing our sex life every chance they get. And lucky them! That allows gay people time to think about other things—like decorating and dressing nice. They sure got us on those two fronts.

I’d even go so far as to say we heteros could probably learn a thing or two about not always talking and thinking about gay sex and gays marrying. Maybe it does scare some of us. But I suspect anybody who talks all the time about how bad gay sex is, is talking about gay sex because, well, he just likes talking about the topic…. and it gives him a sort of cheap thrill he doesn’t get by talking about heterosexual sex.

And that’s fine. I’m not judging them. I’m really not.

Heck, when I was in elementary school I acted that way myself. At recess I’d chase girls pretending they were gross and I didn’t want to have anything to do with them. But even though I swore I was trying to avoid gettin’ the cooties, there I’d go chasing after these very girls who we thought had cooties and trying to touch, pinch or push them anyway I could. And it wasn’t a coincidence that I’d always chase and push the ones I wanted the most to like me back.

It didn’t really work out well for me. And wont for politicians talking about animal marriage this time. But on that playground I did get a little thrill out of it all and suspect these older fellers talking about gay-this and gay-that get some kinky thrill in their own way, too, when they are chasing and pushing around gay people in the political playground. I could be wrong. But I know what it looks like when someone says they don’t want girl cooties and then can’t stop chasing and talking about girls. 

But let me get back to the fallout from the DOMA decision that really does have me alarmed today. I never knew we had so many danged Americans who think and talk about, well, I guess you could call it “animal love.” I swear! And not just the really weird and creepy looking perverted types out there. All kinds of regular looking folks, even members of Congress wearing khaki pants and blue blazers are using this DOMA decision to start airing their dirty ideas about people like them marrying up with dogs and cats and chickens and rabbits. Even squirrels and gerbils, I reckon.

How same sex folk wanting to marry each other is an excuse for some eccentric folks out there to start talking about how they can’t stand the idea of people marrying animals —is beyond me! Just reminds me of the 3rd grade playground. I guess if they were in my class back then they would have been the kids chasing whatever animals they could find at recess and saying out loud how gross it would be to marry them.

Fortunately, I was bused to an inner city high school where people knew better than to say such things out loud. You’d get punched for saying anything about marrying up with a goat. Or any animal for that matter. It just wasn’t done back then and that’s not a bad thing. I mean, some weird thoughts just need to be kept to oneself. Animal marrying should be on that list, if you ask me.

Goodness gracious. Kindly makes me sick to my stomach even thinkin’ about it. What kind of people even imagine a thing like that? I’ve loved every dog I’ve ever owned over the last 50 years. But lordy, it never occurred to me to want to marry it. And I watched Will and Grace for several seasons and like that Ellen girl’s talk show a good deal too. But even the dogs I’ve had since watching those shows —never once have I thought to myself, “Wonder if she (my dog) would ever like me enough to want to marry me?” It just never happened. Never. Although I will admit to sometimes letting our dog lick me on the face for several seconds. I never had any thoughts beyond that little bit of face licking, I swear. And would never have admitted to that if it weren’t for all this animal marrying talk going on today

I wish I could say the same for all the people who let the cat out of the bag today about their animal marrying imaginations. I suspect it just is what it is. It’s a crazy old world out there ….and I learn that is truer and truer with each passing day. I don’t know…maybe I’m just repressed when it comes to animal matrimony and am in some kind of denial. In fact, next time a member of Congress starts in on how they don’t want to ever be able to legally marry an animal, I’ll listen to them with a compassionate and loving heart. And pray that any animals they come into contact with run like the dickens if they try to pet or caress them. That’s the least I can do until we Americans come to our senses about this topic. Heck, they don’t even talk about this topic in Europe and they think of themselves as so much more advanced than we are.

Oh, heck. Nothing about this DOMA ruling is creating the possibility of people marrying animals. Or even dating them. DOMA’ s decision didn’t unleash this phenomenon. Back to my gerbil reference. We was hearing about gerbils 30-40 years ago involved sexually-speaking with a Hollywood actor. Long before the DOMA rulings. And let me add I never trusted Richard Gere or well-groomed gerbils after that. Even the mainstream media acknowledged animal romance before DOMA was even an acronym on the tip of our thinly pursed lips.

Just think about it. Remember this scene from Woody Allen’s faux documentary Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask? It was a good movie. And I’ll never forget this scene with Dr Gene Wilder.

I even laughed at some parts. But that doesn’t mean its OK for people like Dr Wilder’s character to start talking about America making it legal for a man to marry a sheep. That’s just too kinky for this old-fashioned fella. I don’t want to even think about it. That’s one new trick this old dog isn’t interested in learning.

And if you are bound and determined to want to talk about marrying animals anyway, please, for our children’s sake, take up the topic in one of those weirdo chat rooms. Don’t be bringing it up so children who may be changing the cable channels have to be exposed to such weird fetishes as they flip on C-SPAN. There’s already enough that’s confusing to kids –and grown-ups—on C-SPAN without draggin’ animal marriages into it.